Is this really possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Is this really possible?
23
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 12:14pm
For those of you that don't know MM has told me from the get go he "loves" his wife and will NOT leave his M.

I've asked him why then he's involved with me and he says "because there is an attraction there that I couldn't deny" that attraction was/is still more than just physical.

This past week he took a vacation with his family - for a part of the vacation the children were left with family and MM and W headed off together. I asked him if it was fun - he said "yes" I asked him if it was romantic - he said "yes" - basically he still has a great deal of passion in his relationship with W. He tells me all this to be honest and not led me on. He is the kind that will LET me walk away because he knows this isn't fair to me! :(

Anyway - my point is - if he has all this with his w WHY then is he with me? What purpose do I serve? and WHY would he risk such a wonderful thing to be with me? Is he lying? Is he in denial? Is it possible that he can be "in love" with his wife after 8 years and STILL want something from me?

I can't deal with knowing the sex is as passionate with her - knowing he looks at her like he looks at me. It's one thing to know my MM loves his wife because she's his wife and because she's the mother of his children - it's another to know he's IN LOVE with her and still has a passionate romantic relationship!

Anyone have any thoughts? Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 4:21pm
no no - that isn't the case at all - infact he boarders more on the OTHER end of the spectrum on realizing this isn't exactly fair to me because he's said and stands by the fact that he won't leave and because he won't he can't give me all that i need! So he's more the type that will let me walk away so I have the chance to find all I deserve but it sure would be nice for him to atleast say "I don't want you to go - I want you - I just can't have you" because of his situation - is that making ANY sense? Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care if I walk away from us because he feels like the whole situation is unfair to me - which it kinda is but I KNOW inside of him he values and cherishes what we have - and honestly I feel like he is SO not a pig - he's VERY upfront and more like what mommy was saying in her original post - wants to give me the option to accept what he is offering or walk away - I'm trying to figure out if accepting him in THIS situation is absolutely insane or something that can be done?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 4:44pm
I so totally understand what you're saying.

So let us get past the discussion of whether or not he's a pig; you say he isn't and I believe you. I believe you and I know how you feel because I have been there and thought the EXACT same thing.

I'm in a long term A (more than 7 years now) and we almost ended it several years ago because I just could not get past his honesty! I wanted him to bemoan the fact that he couldn't be with me, even though we both knew we couldn't. I just wanted to hear him say it! And what was ironic was that I didn't want him to actually DO anything about it, because I couldn't do anything about it - I just wanted to hear him say it so I could believe he felt that way! We actually went through NC for almost a year because of this.

I have, in the meantime, accepted that my desire to hear him say that was my own insecurities talking. My feelings that maybe I didn't mean as much to him as he meant to me. Over the long haul, he's proven to me how much I DO mean, because he is there, and has been there, for me emotionally through so very much upheaval in my life. And I am completely secure in that knowledge now, and it shows - in my communications with him, and in how much more relaxed I am about everything.

I finally realized that what I needed from the A was exactly what I was getting - nothing more and nothing less. Hearing him say that he wished he could leave her and be with me would have been GREAT for my ego, but it would have been just words. More important is that, somehow, we have been to each other what we both need, and it has helped us both to survive through marriages that have been difficult for us both.

And ironically, when I let up the pressure on him (and on myself) to need that from him, he drew closer to me, and he has said things to me that indicate how much I mean to him that he would NEVER have said before, at the beginning.

So the bottom line is, I believe he's being honest with you and doesn't want to hurt you. It's totally up to YOU to think through what he can offer you and decide if that is what you want, or if it's enough for you. He's making it very clear to you what he can offer. It's so very hard, and I so completely and totally understand what you are saying and how you are feeling.

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 5:43pm
Is it really possible? Yes, since your MM has come forward with his feelings about his situation at home without trying to deceive you. I think you should appreciate him for that for being forthright to you. I can't remember if you are married or single. If you are single it does hurt a lot more to hear things are not so bad at home, than if you are married. I guess you are wondering what is drawing him to you, right? I think you should take up that discussion with him next time and feel him out on that subject. We can debate here forever about what he wants from you, but HE can only give HIS reasons for being in the EMA. Everybody feels the twinge of jealousy if they have to share a loved one with another. Some show it out while others don't since they probably don't want the other person to feel bad about it. In my case, I don't really show my OM how much it hurts if I hear about his dates. I try to downplay it since it something I don't wish to dwell upon too much. I try to keep my emotions in check for his sake, so that he would really open up with the girl he goes out with and not worry about me, because I know he will. Anyway, I can feel where you are coming from, sometimes its hard to accept that there is another person beside you that can make your man happy. But what can you do about it, right? If you could you would have done something by now, LOL. That's why we need a non judemental place like this to express/vent our feelings about the emotional rollercoaster ride. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 1:19am
Honey, some men just seem to have a need for sexual variety. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you as a person too, it just means his sole interest is in the sexual variety you provide. I once knew a guy who told me that he could never be satisified with one woman. It's just the way some men are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 7:50am
Hi,

This is already a long discussion, but here are my thoughts...

I don't believe one person ever completely fulfills all the needs of another, so you bring something into his life that he gets from no one else. I would enjoy just that knowledge. But it also means, imho, that he can love his wife and still love you. I don't see love or Rs as an either/or thing, and it all depends on the people involved, anyway, to see how far those Rs go... We have different friends, different family members, etc, that all bring something different into our lives and while we may enjoy them and love them differently, it is not necessarily always gauged on a "more" or "less" value system.

But your post really isn't about MM. It's about you. MM has been clear from the start on his position... and so this is about how strongly you want to be with him, if it's worth knowing you will never have him 100%, (but do you ever have anyone 100%), and if what he gives you NOW is ENOUGH for you. This is all about you. What do you want, what's the best way for you to go about getting it.

The answers might be quite simple, once you sit down and look at it objectively. But it won't be easy. Sometimes the simple solutions are the hardest ones to implement.

If the knowledge that MM will never be yours, and that he still loves his W, outweighs the joy you take in the R, or at least makes you certain that two or five or ten years from now, you want something different, then YOU have to choose what are the next best steps for you to take... or you could be content for the rest of the life with MM and the R you have now. In either case, it's all about you and your needs, and none of us here can answer that one for you.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 2:02pm
Yes, I have a thought--he is using you for sex. Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 1:41am
Hi. I have been involved with MM for around 15 months now. I wish I could tell you how to deal with all the emotions that you are having. It is very difficult at times. My MM has told me from the very beginning that he will not leave his wife, because of the kids, and because of his convictions for God. I know this sounds strange considering his love and R with me, but, this is the case.

I handle it all by really, truely, knowing and believing that he loves me very deeply. He isnt intimate anymore with his wife, they are merely roommates and parents for their children.

If your MM still has passion left for his wife, yes, I would be very concerned. Only you can make the best decision for "you". No one else can tell you what to do or how to feel. It may take some time to figure it all out. Don't be too hard on yourself if you feel like you should break it off, but can't.

Talking about it with others in the same situation will help, and I believe you should always follow your gut feeling.....the little voice inside of us that we tend to ignore....what does it say to you?

Any help I can give I am more than happy too. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:02am
Hi Poster,

I thought you were going to change your board name - how about imanoldposter? LOL!

Is it possible to appreciate one person's worth for what it is, while appreciating another's? Just like a piece of music or great work of art, one doesn't admire/appreciate only that one piece. Keep in mind that what MM & W share is different to what MM & you share - two different, seperate entities.

Be appreciative that he is upfront with you, Poster. Be appreciative of what you have with him, and enjoy it for what it is (as long as it is what you want)...right now.

Hugs,

Meow



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 11:10am
ahhhhhhhhhh Cat - I miss you!!! ))))))))))(((((((((((

I can't change my name - look YOU recognized me! :) That's important! :D Thanks for your thoughts and yet it's human nature to want to be the one and only so... *shrugs* but I get your point! ;)

Mom - than thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for your post it made alot of sense and I really enjoyed it! :)

I love this place! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 12:21pm
i know your story....if you read mine which i just brought back from page 2 you'll see that my om put a ring on his g's finger & began planning their wedding.the other day i looked him in the eye & demanded...so she is everything you want?he said yes...i asked...so you're fulfilled?he said yes....totally fulfilled?he said yes.at that point i just laughed in his face.i understand the pain.i don't understand it either & i've been trying desperately to.i've asked other questios that i didn't really need the answers to.what i try to focus on is the reason he wants me...& when i'm feeling really bad i just tell myself that i'm lucky that i'm not that poor stupid girl that he's marrying.EVERYTHING is not as it seems.my own friend observed her at a party & said i am the polar opposite of her.he tells me he likes control,that i am a whirlwind,a storm...i considered it a compliment.he loves her cause she's boring & says yes all the time?blech.i'd rather be the exciting storm that he can dream about when he's w/ her(at least THAT'S what i tell myself.sometimes it works)mine let me walk away.i decided i couldn't.don't torture yourself.don't go there.it hurts like hell,i know.think about what you want to ask from here on & then ask yourself if you really want to know the answer.