Is this really possible?
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| Sat, 10-11-2003 - 12:14pm |
I've asked him why then he's involved with me and he says "because there is an attraction there that I couldn't deny" that attraction was/is still more than just physical.
This past week he took a vacation with his family - for a part of the vacation the children were left with family and MM and W headed off together. I asked him if it was fun - he said "yes" I asked him if it was romantic - he said "yes" - basically he still has a great deal of passion in his relationship with W. He tells me all this to be honest and not led me on. He is the kind that will LET me walk away because he knows this isn't fair to me! :(
Anyway - my point is - if he has all this with his w WHY then is he with me? What purpose do I serve? and WHY would he risk such a wonderful thing to be with me? Is he lying? Is he in denial? Is it possible that he can be "in love" with his wife after 8 years and STILL want something from me?
I can't deal with knowing the sex is as passionate with her - knowing he looks at her like he looks at me. It's one thing to know my MM loves his wife because she's his wife and because she's the mother of his children - it's another to know he's IN LOVE with her and still has a passionate romantic relationship!
Anyone have any thoughts? Thanks!

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So let us get past the discussion of whether or not he's a pig; you say he isn't and I believe you. I believe you and I know how you feel because I have been there and thought the EXACT same thing.
I'm in a long term A (more than 7 years now) and we almost ended it several years ago because I just could not get past his honesty! I wanted him to bemoan the fact that he couldn't be with me, even though we both knew we couldn't. I just wanted to hear him say it! And what was ironic was that I didn't want him to actually DO anything about it, because I couldn't do anything about it - I just wanted to hear him say it so I could believe he felt that way! We actually went through NC for almost a year because of this.
I have, in the meantime, accepted that my desire to hear him say that was my own insecurities talking. My feelings that maybe I didn't mean as much to him as he meant to me. Over the long haul, he's proven to me how much I DO mean, because he is there, and has been there, for me emotionally through so very much upheaval in my life. And I am completely secure in that knowledge now, and it shows - in my communications with him, and in how much more relaxed I am about everything.
I finally realized that what I needed from the A was exactly what I was getting - nothing more and nothing less. Hearing him say that he wished he could leave her and be with me would have been GREAT for my ego, but it would have been just words. More important is that, somehow, we have been to each other what we both need, and it has helped us both to survive through marriages that have been difficult for us both.
And ironically, when I let up the pressure on him (and on myself) to need that from him, he drew closer to me, and he has said things to me that indicate how much I mean to him that he would NEVER have said before, at the beginning.
So the bottom line is, I believe he's being honest with you and doesn't want to hurt you. It's totally up to YOU to think through what he can offer you and decide if that is what you want, or if it's enough for you. He's making it very clear to you what he can offer. It's so very hard, and I so completely and totally understand what you are saying and how you are feeling.
Kari
This is already a long discussion, but here are my thoughts...
I don't believe one person ever completely fulfills all the needs of another, so you bring something into his life that he gets from no one else. I would enjoy just that knowledge. But it also means, imho, that he can love his wife and still love you. I don't see love or Rs as an either/or thing, and it all depends on the people involved, anyway, to see how far those Rs go... We have different friends, different family members, etc, that all bring something different into our lives and while we may enjoy them and love them differently, it is not necessarily always gauged on a "more" or "less" value system.
But your post really isn't about MM. It's about you. MM has been clear from the start on his position... and so this is about how strongly you want to be with him, if it's worth knowing you will never have him 100%, (but do you ever have anyone 100%), and if what he gives you NOW is ENOUGH for you. This is all about you. What do you want, what's the best way for you to go about getting it.
The answers might be quite simple, once you sit down and look at it objectively. But it won't be easy. Sometimes the simple solutions are the hardest ones to implement.
If the knowledge that MM will never be yours, and that he still loves his W, outweighs the joy you take in the R, or at least makes you certain that two or five or ten years from now, you want something different, then YOU have to choose what are the next best steps for you to take... or you could be content for the rest of the life with MM and the R you have now. In either case, it's all about you and your needs, and none of us here can answer that one for you.
Good luck, whatever you decide!
lily
I handle it all by really, truely, knowing and believing that he loves me very deeply. He isnt intimate anymore with his wife, they are merely roommates and parents for their children.
If your MM still has passion left for his wife, yes, I would be very concerned. Only you can make the best decision for "you". No one else can tell you what to do or how to feel. It may take some time to figure it all out. Don't be too hard on yourself if you feel like you should break it off, but can't.
Talking about it with others in the same situation will help, and I believe you should always follow your gut feeling.....the little voice inside of us that we tend to ignore....what does it say to you?
Any help I can give I am more than happy too. Good luck.
I thought you were going to change your board name - how about imanoldposter? LOL!
Is it possible to appreciate one person's worth for what it is, while appreciating another's? Just like a piece of music or great work of art, one doesn't admire/appreciate only that one piece. Keep in mind that what MM & W share is different to what MM & you share - two different, seperate entities.
Be appreciative that he is upfront with you, Poster. Be appreciative of what you have with him, and enjoy it for what it is (as long as it is what you want)...right now.
Hugs,
Meow
I can't change my name - look YOU recognized me! :) That's important! :D Thanks for your thoughts and yet it's human nature to want to be the one and only so... *shrugs* but I get your point! ;)
Mom - than thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for your post it made alot of sense and I really enjoyed it! :)
I love this place! :)
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