The Reason I'm Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
The Reason I'm Here
25
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:38pm
I'm just going to ramble here.

Nobody seems to judge here, and all seem to want to help. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this board. I didn't know anyone else felt like I did. But all of us seem to be hurting, in one way or another, even though we're in love. We all love someone, and we know it's not right, but we can't help it. I mean, I'm almost 57 years old, and I feel like a teenager, IN ALL WAYS! (gives you youngsters something to aspire to, doesn't it?? :) )

If I would use my brain, I would realize that what my sweetie and I have (and our love affair is really new) must end, and will end. It can't be any other way. If I would use my brain, I would spend time trying to make things right with my H of 34 years, instead of ignoring that and concentrating on my love. I'm just tired, and MM gives me what I have always needed.

I read all of your posts, and it just breaks my heart, because I know that most of your hearts will be broken too. What do we all want? Love. And this affair gives us what we want and need. Maybe it's just sex, maybe it's just the excitement of somebody finally seeing something more in us. But there's got to more than that. I don't know-I'm a mature, intelligent woman, but I'm besotted, and I don't know what to do. I can't even imagine how those of you who are so much younger, with other complications, cope.

Less than 3 months ago, I led a pleasant, if uneventful, suburban life. Now my life is full of finding ways I can see my long distance lover, full of deceit and lies, and I'm NOT a good liar, and, quite honestly, I'm not so proud of myself. And we will never even get to see each other more than every couple of months! That's not a life!

You know, I just read Annie's post-she asked if it always has to be so hopeless. You know, I think it is that hopeless. That's the reality.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, if anything. I'm just glad I have this place to say it in.

Legs



Edited 8/29/2003 9:42:11 PM ET by longlegs2

Edited 8/29/2003 9:45:46 PM ET by longlegs2


Edited 8/29/2003 9:48:28 PM ET by longlegs2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 11:02pm
But it's not about brains, is it? It's about hearts and the greatest happiness and also the greatest sadness we've known. Speaking as the other elder here, I have to agree with everything longlegs has written. My fervent hope is that when it does end, I'll somehow be able to hold the joy in my heart and remember that once I had a love that was wonderful.

MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 7:48am
Hi Legs,

I like your post... Many of those thoughts run through my mind, too. This board has been a lifesaver for me. It was all too much to keep inside, yet there was no where to turn to talk. Until I found this board and the supportive people who participate in it. I have a few miles on my engine - I'm 42 years old - but know I have many more to go.

Our A has been doomed from the start because I refuse to leave my H. At first, I was consumed with guilt, yet unable to resist the temptation, the elation, the restoration of my ego after years of being ignored by H.

I am comforted by a couple of things... First, my OM accepts the terms of our R and says that all of the difficulties inherent in it are "worth it." Simple as that. (I wish I could resist overthinking things like he does!) Second, reality dictates that life will be too short. We sometimes have to put ourselves first and do things to ensure our own happiness. For me, this means unwittingly falling into a loving relationship outside of my M. As long as no one else finds out, no one else risks getting hurt. After weighing the pros and cons, I decided the benefits outranked the risks.

I don't want to get to the end of my life and regret some of the rare and wonderful opportunities I missed out on. Now, instead of guilt, I feel lucky to have stumbled into a R with a warm, patient man who respects my needs and desires. And I hope this house of cards stays intact.

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 10:20am
I read your post on the "lost love rekindled" post and felt I had to write you. I am in such a similar situation, married same amount of time and same age, and been in affair with "first love" for a year now. My "first love" is in same situation. I, like you, feel like a teenager and at times am so sad that this will never go anywhere, but at the same time I cannot let go. We are so much in love and have such a wonderful loving relationship. I am not too bothered with the guilt, but MM struggles with this terribly and it is so hard on him. I don't know what to tell you, but life is short and I just want some happiness while I can get it. I know that that sounds selfish, but he makes me so alive and when I see the love in his eyes for me, I can't stop! I know that he will never leave his marriage, he just can't hurt someone like that, which is one of the reasons I love him so. Yes, at times I think that this just insn't worth the pain, but mostly I just cherish the time that I can have with him and, I know this is stupid and unrealistic, but I have just that tiny, tiny, glimmer of hope that "maybe" someday, who knows? I don't know if you want to post your email, but if you want, I will email you if you would like to talk further.....
Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 11:14am
PUGS, LONG LEGS, i agree completely. Life is to short for all of us, not to feel the buterflies of new love. Not to adore being wanted, not to miss the touch of someone new, not to miss out on life... good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 11:28am


What a great post Legs!

You have very eloquently summed up what I have been feeling for almost 3 years. I, too, should be working on my M instead of being all consumed with MM. I just can't! I, too, should be following my 43-year-old brain instead of what feels like my 16-year-old heart! I just can't!

I agree that, eventually, the fire that we are playing with will most likely burn us. I know that the man that I love.. that I crave.. will never leave his W. Nor will I leave my H. There is no real reason for this, other than loyalty, history and a strange sense of commitment and friendship. There are no financial worries on either side, no young children to stay for...

Is this all about sex for MM and I? I really can't say. We do love each other, but at what level? Do we love each other for bringing back excitement, desire, and yes, mind-numbing sex to each other's lives? For building each other's egos by rearranging complicated work/home schedules, for jeopardizing years of career aspirations, and family relationships just to steal a few moments together? Do we love each other because we are lost soulmates sharing the same dysfunctional M's? I don't know. But whatever the level, we are in love and when this ends, it will crush me.

MM and I had a conversation a few months ago about our R ending. He, very practically, told me that someday this would have to end. Hard as that was to hear, I know that he is right. He told me that he never wants to hurt me. I believe him. My response… I will be hurt, terribly, but nothing in life is free and that will be the price of our A. Right now, I am willing to pay that price for the happiness of the moment. Of course, that is easy to say, since the payment is not due yet.

I think that our best bet is to enjoy this while it lasts, end it when the pain exceeds the pleasure and close the door softly when the time comes to leave.

Thanks for the post.

Many hugs

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 1:02pm
Call me naive, unrealistic or even stupid. I can't imagine that it will ever end. One of his greatest fears is losing me. We are LD so we still have a lot of face to face talking ahead of us to clarify things but we want to make it work, one way or the other. I am not saying it will be easy. We have even talked about continuing to stay in each other lives, even on a minimal basis, but never NC. It is not an option for us. I even joked about being finally together when we are 90 and he said no problem. We will always be in each other's lives in some way, shape or form. As someone said, a love that won't be denied. I don't think of this relationship in terms of ending unless one of us dies. We are a love rekindled. I know I sound like a pie in the sky Pollyanna, but I believe this to be true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I am very persistent and he is very tenacious. Time will tell, of course. But I have no reason to believe otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 1:20pm
An interesting muse, LongLegs... I disagree with a couple of things here.

First, hopeless as it applies to the EMAs is only if the parties involved either have different end-goals or neither is willing to do the work to get to the desired end goal. It's all about choices... not hope, fate, or an accidental "whoops". For some who want to be with OM or MM, but are not, it's a choice. It may not be their choice, but it is their MM/OM's, and most of them had made that clear in the beginning of the EMA. If both parties agreed in the beginning that they were not leaving their spouses, then there's no "hope" to speak of because both are already working on the premise of the same end-goal.

I also don't believe it's all about the heart and not the mind. That assumes the two are not tied together. And again, I believe we make choices. We can choose to follow our heart, our emotions, or we can choose to think through our options and select the most "reasonable" course of action, or we can think through the options and decide the risk is worth it... or, or, or. But we make a conscious choice. No one wakes up one day and says, "Oh my gosh, did I just start an EMA yesterday? I sooooo didn't mean to do that!" Most of these relationships have been developing over time, we are aware of the attraction we choose to act or not to act upon that attraction. We may act without thinking, and call that following our heart, but that's another choice we make.

So in my mind, EMAs do not have to be hopeless nor mindless. I have been thinking on this topic for a long time, weighing what it would or wouldn't mean to me to get involved in one, and I have been pushed to really consider what *I* want and need... and whether an EMA really fits that. I do not have any answers yet. But I appreciate being pushed and challenged to think this through. If I make a bad choice, I will know it was my bad choice to make!

Thanks for the chance to explore this from a slightly different angle.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 1:40pm
Very well put, Lily. I have always said there are no answers, just choices. And not to make a choice is in itself, a choice. Conscious and not mindless, I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 3:45pm
Gottaluvhim,

I feel exactly the same. We will always be together, somehow, someway, I truly believe that! Also rekindled love. We have talked about this and there is no way that we will ever have complete NC. It isn't possible, unless, like you say, one of us dies! We did not forget each other in over 40 years, I don't see us stopping now!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 4:08pm
Dear Longlegs,

There is a substantial contingent of people with

some real life experience here. At 54 I have a few

miles myself. I don't guess I need to tell you which

miles I cherish the most, I suspect you know. And as

for judgeing others, as the Byrds said, "I was so much

older then, I'm younger than that now".

I love your post, and understand exactly what you

are saying. I guess if we could have it all, then we

would be married to our special other. And yet, I am

not so sure that would work either. Would that ultimately

pass in it's turn? I surely didn't think my first M

would meet the fate it has come to. I am concerned

I might be wrong again, but have no chance of testing this.

I often think that beauty holds within itself

the seeds of it's own destruction, that the fate of all

beauty is to be ignored. I once (many years ago) lived

in Boulder Colorado. When people would visit they would

look up at the mountains and say something like "Those

are gorgeous!". I would glance up and be taken aback,

because they were gorgeous, I had just grown used

to the beauty and was ignoring it. I saw it every day and

it lost it's effect on me. So I am wary of beauty, I know

I will come to take it for granted. Perhaps that is why

most A's are short lived things, though there are a number

of people on this board that seem to have beaten the odds.

I think part of the electric excitement of an EMA is

finding someone that is willing to play the game too, just

to be with you. To fly in the face of social rules, to

risk what you risk, solely in the name of wanting to

love you and be loved in return. It is a big, big risk,

and only makes the gift sweeter for me. I think it is a

tremendous turn on, I live for that passion and excitement.

In the end, I think of an EMA as a zero sum game. The

thrills and excitement I think are about equally balanced

in the end by the pain. I feel you can choose to play or

not. We all know where the path eventually winds up, we

are all dead. I guess I will slumber the long sleep better

having lived each moment to the fullest. For having taken

the risk to love, even a forbidden love. Virtue, to me,

feels empty without love. Chastity is it's own just

punishment.

If you choose to open yourself to joy, then you also

choose to open yourself to pain. Isn't it odd how life is

always such a balance between opposites? Good and evil,

light and dark, life and death, man and woman, future

and past, joy and pain... I would rather feel it all, I

think, both the good and the bad.

Please don't weep for my broken heart, I told MW she

couldn't break it, I wouldn't let her. It might be a little

tender in places, but it is a long way from broken. Don't

cry for me young lovers, I've had a love of my own.

I guess I fall in with all the existentialists on the board,

I choose to love, as have you. It provides me a great deal of

comfort at night, when I am not alone, but am alone all the same.

To life, and all it brings! Thanks for rambling together!

ditr

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