The Reason I'm Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
The Reason I'm Here
25
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:38pm
I'm just going to ramble here.

Nobody seems to judge here, and all seem to want to help. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this board. I didn't know anyone else felt like I did. But all of us seem to be hurting, in one way or another, even though we're in love. We all love someone, and we know it's not right, but we can't help it. I mean, I'm almost 57 years old, and I feel like a teenager, IN ALL WAYS! (gives you youngsters something to aspire to, doesn't it?? :) )

If I would use my brain, I would realize that what my sweetie and I have (and our love affair is really new) must end, and will end. It can't be any other way. If I would use my brain, I would spend time trying to make things right with my H of 34 years, instead of ignoring that and concentrating on my love. I'm just tired, and MM gives me what I have always needed.

I read all of your posts, and it just breaks my heart, because I know that most of your hearts will be broken too. What do we all want? Love. And this affair gives us what we want and need. Maybe it's just sex, maybe it's just the excitement of somebody finally seeing something more in us. But there's got to more than that. I don't know-I'm a mature, intelligent woman, but I'm besotted, and I don't know what to do. I can't even imagine how those of you who are so much younger, with other complications, cope.

Less than 3 months ago, I led a pleasant, if uneventful, suburban life. Now my life is full of finding ways I can see my long distance lover, full of deceit and lies, and I'm NOT a good liar, and, quite honestly, I'm not so proud of myself. And we will never even get to see each other more than every couple of months! That's not a life!

You know, I just read Annie's post-she asked if it always has to be so hopeless. You know, I think it is that hopeless. That's the reality.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, if anything. I'm just glad I have this place to say it in.

Legs



Edited 8/29/2003 9:42:11 PM ET by longlegs2

Edited 8/29/2003 9:45:46 PM ET by longlegs2


Edited 8/29/2003 9:48:28 PM ET by longlegs2

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 4:45pm
That's how OM and I feel. There is no guarantee when my *#$&$ H will ever get off his duff and find a real job, so no telling how long it will be before I can physically leave this marriage. Emotionally and mentally, I left about 5 months ago. Then there's the separation period until the divorce is settled and final. THEN there's the time period when my children have to heal and so no telling how long until until OM and I can be together, openly. He will stay with g/f until that time, which makes sense. No sense rocking his boat until it's time to. So we might be together in about 4 months, it might take longer until my kids can come to terms with it.

But there is no question in either of our minds that we will stay together. I told him about Levi's A and that gave us a twisted sense of hope, lol.

OM has helped me so much and given me so much. We were talking about my marriage this morning, because H really has bent over backward on many of our issues, trying to be a 'better' husband. But it's too little, too late and there are a couple of deeper issues that haven't been touched and that he won't be able to change about himself. Anyway, OM and I were talking and I said, if H had made this level of effort even 6 or 7 months ago, I might have stayed around to see if it would take. But, OM has shown me another world in which I am a partner with someone, where there is give and take, where there is a balance between fun and taking yourselves too seriously, where there is mindblowing, live changing sex, lol, and I just can't live without those things anymore. I refuse to. I'm too young!!! (And no, H isn't capable of making those things happen...we just *don't* have that kind of R.)

We plan to stay together until one or the other tires of it! And we can't conceive that would ever happen!!!

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 4:49pm
DESERT!!!! Damn, I've missed your posts. I love how you get me thinking. Good to see you again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 6:45pm
You women are amazing! How did I get so lucky? I wish I could reply to each of you, because each reply was so heartfelt and true-and I can't figure out how to read each reply and answer. You all seem to have the same feelings I do! Desert, you are a poet.

I took my H in my arms tonight and said,"you and I are soulmates. Don't you care enough about us to change this? Do you care more about drinking than us? Don't you want it to be like it was? (in so many words) He basically said he had stuff to do. I then said, "let the chips fall where they may". I tried. Oh, I've tried, for 30 years I've tried.

My darling has a basically happy marriage, and there will be an end to "us". Who knows when. But what I found out is that I DESERVE to feel this way, with MM or with someone else, or JUST WITH MY SELF!!

I cherish you all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 7:46am
Hi Legs, and welcome to the board!

You wrote that being in a secret relationship, and all that comes with it, is not a life. Well, no, in and of itself an affair isn't a life...just as a marriage in and of itself is not enough in life. You mentioned you previously had a pleasant, if uneventful, life. Maybe it's time to shake it up a bit...experience other new things!

An affair is not always hopeless - when two partners know going in that it will only ever be an affair, and can keep a persepctive about it, then how can it be hopeless to receive what you've always desired? I do agree with Desert (who is a man, by the way, lol) - in everything there is the potential of pain and joy, and we choose, make decisions, to experience them long before we actually do. Don't anticipate the pain before it arrives...enjoy each moment of each day for *all* the joys in your life!

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:14am
Meow, had to respond to you, since you hit the nail on the head. I DO tend to anticipate things, in many aspects of my life, not just this. I think it's just because I like to be prepared. I AM thinking about the end of it, instead of enjoying the now of it, which is so beautiful and new. And as I reread the post, I see I really WAS rambling ( a little wine was involved).

As I sit here in the bright light of dawn, I now realize that it's NOT hopeless-for any of us. I found love when I didn't expect to. My life has joy now, which I didn't expect. MM has made me feel, not just like a woman again, but FEMALE again, in all the permutations of that word-I'm not sure if I said that right. If only for those things, this will have been SO worth it. If my heart does break someday, well, at least I will have known what it feels like to have one that is full.

Yup, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Legs

Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 1:36pm
Hi Everyone--Just wanted to add to all of these lovely and thoughtful posts--I'm 48, M (in a fairly happy one), no kids, MM has young children. Our A is very new--less than two months--after three years of being very strongly attracted to one another. This is a new experience for me as well as for him. I am, for my own sanity, trying to learn not to anticipate, to appreciate the "now", to love myself best of all so that my sense of well-being does not depend on DH or MM. I am also learning what it is like to be completely sexually uninhibited and trusting--and what a gift that is! And I certainly did conciously choose to have this relationship with MM, although I haven't delved very deeply into the why of that yet.

The best thoughts and wishes to you all (and Desert, it's great to see you here again!)--

JB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 1:41pm
Very eloquent, legs, you expressed so well what many of us feel. It's nice to be able to read and nod along with understanding.

I question myself as well and have those "heart versus head" debates. For now, the heart is winning, I'm happy and I just try to live life one day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 3:33pm
i agree with you both. this A can only end unhappily, but i'm trying to enjoy each day and look forward to time with my MM AND my BF. i'm 51 and thought i could keep the A separate -- just fwb. but over time, we both started to care about what was happening when we aren't together and wanting to know everything day-to-day and being unhappy when one or the other was unhappy. getting emotionally involved. i swore i wouldn't do it, but i fell hard. and now MM tells me he feels the same.

just trying to enjoy one day at a time!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 3:45pm
oh my legs, i had to write.



* My life has joy now, which I didn't expect. MM has made me feel, not just like a woman again, but FEMALE again, in all the permutations of that word-I'm not sure if I said that right. If only for those things, this will have been SO worth it. If my heart does break someday, well, at least I will have known what it feels like to have one that is full.

Yup, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.*

i absolutely, positively feel the same! MM gave me back my confidence as an independent woman who can and does take care of herself. MM makes me feel like i can do anything (and have anything!) i want.

AND MM has made my relationship with my BF much, much better because i've gotten back the confidence to demand what i need from him and the relationship.

all in all, this A is sooo worth every minute of joy and pain.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 4:20pm
Oh, please answer one question for me! If you were "35" would things be different? Would you leave your H? My only heartache is if I stay will I regret it when I'm older. Thanks for the wonderful words of wisdom. I let a true love slip away a long time ago and I will never forgive myself.