The Reason I'm Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
The Reason I'm Here
25
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:38pm
I'm just going to ramble here.

Nobody seems to judge here, and all seem to want to help. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this board. I didn't know anyone else felt like I did. But all of us seem to be hurting, in one way or another, even though we're in love. We all love someone, and we know it's not right, but we can't help it. I mean, I'm almost 57 years old, and I feel like a teenager, IN ALL WAYS! (gives you youngsters something to aspire to, doesn't it?? :) )

If I would use my brain, I would realize that what my sweetie and I have (and our love affair is really new) must end, and will end. It can't be any other way. If I would use my brain, I would spend time trying to make things right with my H of 34 years, instead of ignoring that and concentrating on my love. I'm just tired, and MM gives me what I have always needed.

I read all of your posts, and it just breaks my heart, because I know that most of your hearts will be broken too. What do we all want? Love. And this affair gives us what we want and need. Maybe it's just sex, maybe it's just the excitement of somebody finally seeing something more in us. But there's got to more than that. I don't know-I'm a mature, intelligent woman, but I'm besotted, and I don't know what to do. I can't even imagine how those of you who are so much younger, with other complications, cope.

Less than 3 months ago, I led a pleasant, if uneventful, suburban life. Now my life is full of finding ways I can see my long distance lover, full of deceit and lies, and I'm NOT a good liar, and, quite honestly, I'm not so proud of myself. And we will never even get to see each other more than every couple of months! That's not a life!

You know, I just read Annie's post-she asked if it always has to be so hopeless. You know, I think it is that hopeless. That's the reality.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, if anything. I'm just glad I have this place to say it in.

Legs



Edited 8/29/2003 9:42:11 PM ET by longlegs2

Edited 8/29/2003 9:45:46 PM ET by longlegs2


Edited 8/29/2003 9:48:28 PM ET by longlegs2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 4:39pm
secret, funny you should say "35".... that is the age i was when i left my H and M and took my 3 children and our beds and never looked back. i worked two jobs to support the kids and we all came out of the experience healthy, happy and educated. the kids are grown now and i'm following my own path. i left my M for me, not for any man. i wanted to explore that option, of course, but i felt smothered and unloved and unlovable by my H. i finally went out in the world and ended up being desired by another man who showed me that i was desirable and lovable.

you must think about what YOU want, not someone else -- OM, H, MM or whomever. you are the only one who can make yourself happy in this life.

good luck in whatever you decide,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 5:32pm
I haven't been on the boards much lately, so I just found this. I had to respond. When I started visiting this board, I did so because I had fallen in love with someone who I shouldn't have. And like with any relationship when you realize you are in love, you want to tell the world. But in this situation you just can't. Here I was able to talk about something that my friends and family don't want to hear. It's good to know that I am not the only one who has ended up in this situation. I was a person who liked to think in black and white, and now I know there is a whole rainbow of gray.

Today I am here because I am feeling sorry for myself. My OM is having an attack of morals. He isn't sure that he can continue this. I don't blame him for feeling that way, but I'm sad that we're at this point again. We just reconnected in January after a year and a half of NC. Your post really touched me. I am trying to decide what to say to him when he calls me next week to say that he has decided it is over. I don't know that that is what will happen, but I am preparing myself for it, and hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised instead. Maybe it was Desert who got to me, but as I was reading each post, I figured out not necessarily what I need to say, but how I need to act. I did choose to get involved in this situation, and I have no regrets. I would do it again. It's like "The Dance" by Garth Brooks - I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance. And I wouldn't have wanted to miss this dance for anything. Our situation is one where love just isn't enough. I have loved OM for quite awhile and he's loved me for 15 years, but I'm not ready to leave my M, and I can't blame him for wanting more than I can give him right now. Thanks for starting this thread. I know that I sound pretty sad, but really it made me feel good.

lp

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 9:32am
lp,

I'm no expert on this-MM and I only declared our love for each other on July 30 (after one meeting after not seeing each other for 38 years).

I know ours will end too-not because we don't want it anymore, but because we can't-distance mostly. I understand about you wanting to be prepared. I feel that way, too.

Like Sweetc posted, if it is over, don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. That thought is really helping me.

It's just amazing to me that so many of us are in the same situation.

I'm so glad I found this board, since, like the rest of you, I have nobody in my "real" life that I can talk to about this, although, thank goodness, I have a cyberbuddy I talk to.

We'll all get through this. What other choice do we have/

Legs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 10:24am
I know how you feel. MM has attacks of the guilts all the time. He'll be fine for a few weeks, then he'll get guilty and start backing off. We don't go total NC as long as we're both at work, but he just doesn't call when he's supposed to and when we do see each other, he's so distant. I keep trying to brace myself, telling myself the less emotionally involved I am, the better, but oddly he's the one that talks about leaving more than I do. I think you do have to prepare yourself emotionally for the day when it'll be over, but you got through it once so you can get through it again. In time the pain does lessen... Sounds like if he keeps going away and coming back, he can't get you out of his system and he'll probably be back again, even if you have to "cool it" for a while. Can't you just stay in touch as friends? That's what MM and I do when he's feeling really bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 5:26pm
lilah,

I'm sure we will keep in touch as friends. We always do. Maybe not at first, but after things aren't quite so intense. It's just different and not often enough. I'm pretty sure he will be back, but it gets harder to let go each time. Plus, I hate the whole yo-yo thing. The best way to sum up our whole relationship is bad timing, but I still have hope that someday we'll straighten it all out. I'm feeling better each day, and even if we have to "cool it" for now, I know that he loves me.

Thanks,

lp

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