Reasons for infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Reasons for infidelity
18
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 2:50pm
I keep reading everywhere, including here, that if you're having an A, something is wrong with your marriage. I just can't believe that because, honestly, my marriage has always been great. Then a couple of weeks ago I was reading an article at Psychology Today (I've posted the link below) that dug a little deeper. One paragraph I read actually brought tears to my eyes. It hit home hard...VERY hard. I'm thinking maybe this is ME. Here's the paragraph:

"...the marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate who provides security and stability. It's healthy to seek that balancing. But after we've mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There is a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner; the person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who is difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable. Under those circumstances, the unfaithful partner is often caught in a triangle."

So if this is me, what does that mean? Does anyone else think they are in a similar situation? The article is REALLY good. It's a long one, but chances are you'll find your situation in there. It does show that not all affairs happen for the same reasons:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-19980701-000026.asp

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Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:22pm
That sounds like me. I never got along with my dad, still we blow up at eachother for no reason.. thank goodness i am in finland and he is in hawaii, but i have a great M, love H very much, but just always feel its not enough and never can put my finger on it.. strange. .great article.. thanks
Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:33pm
What a great article!! Thanks for sharing it. I read the whole thing and it gave me a lot to think about. I haven't yet quite figured out why I'm doing what I'm doing....maybe this will help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:44pm
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Edited 9/20/2004 2:10 pm ET ET by seansluv
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 4:30pm
Wow that article really hit home. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 6:12pm
WOW, that definitely hit home lilah. My OM is definitely the "difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable". But I don't have difficult parents but maybe its my X-BF from my college days who I always thought was an difficult person. Maybe I was trying to unconciuosly trying to relive our issues/problems in the relationship with OM??? Who knows??


Edited 10/22/2003 6:14:00 PM ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:17pm
Oh yes... that's me too. My husband is a great guy and we started dating young as well. When I was 19 we got together and lived together for about 5 years before we got married. We have been together for about 13 years now and have two children. I started an affair about a month ago with a male friend of ours that I have always found attractive and he always found me attractive as well. I don't know how it all came about and I questioned my motives. My husband is a really nice guy. Why am I doing this? After careful soul searching I realized that my husband came into my life durning a very difficult period. My Mother died when I was 19 and he was there for me to fall back on and cling to. Now 13 years later and two children, I realized that the passion and excitement has left our marriage and he is somewhat more of a parental figure in my life than a partner. Now I am already trying to end this affair or fling with this guy friend but I am finding it very difficult to let go of. For some reason it is somewhat completing me and I don't know why. I love my husband but I need passion and my husband is more than willing to give that to me but I love him more like a family member than a passionate lover. I think that I am going to start going to counseling to figure what is going on with me in more detail. I really think that you are correct with there being more than just something wrong with your marriage when you have an affair. There has to be alot of soul searching here.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 7:40am
It's interesting that so many people relate to the same thing I related to in the article. My first instinct was to go in the direction of repairing my feelings about my relationship with my father. I'm sure that's what a therapist would work on. But I think it requires more than just introspection to repair all those old wounds from childhood. Thing is, I always joke about my dad and how he really doesn't even know what I look like now... And I refuse to talk about the stepdad I had who was emotionally abusive toward all of us growing up. So I just block it out and I think maybe it manifests itself in other ways. Like you, Karey, I tried to end it with MM and I was absolutely desperately miserable. I felt this horrible emptiness in my life. Even before MM I always had men I fantasized about. I would develop crushes, first on movie stars and then, after I lost weight, on a male co-worker who would never return the favor. But even before I married I was a dreamer. I would be dating one guy and fantasizing about another...I'd develop crushes on men and make up stories about how we'd get together someday. I've always existed with this double life and never really admitted it to anyone before now. I'm sure a therapist could really help me, but 1) he/she'd force me to stop seeing MM and I'm not ready to do that and 2) how on earth would I explain it to H??? He thinks everything is just peachy in our lives. I wish a therapist could just fix me so I didn't WANT MM anymore without having to go cold turkey on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:00am
Mornin Ladies!

First of all, before I forget...I went to counseling during my first marriage and she never suggested me ceasing my relations with my OM at the time. She listened, guided, suggested and listened some more...therapy is not about making decisions for you and it shouldnt be that way or you need a new therapist...

ok on to the article. That paragraph from the article totally covered me and my situation. I am in a very happy marriage, safe, secure etc. My marriage contains all of the qualities that were missing in my relationship with my father and my first husband. Ive often thought that the only thing missing in my life is the disfunction I've had all of my life. Without it something feels as though it's missing. I'm starting to think that's why I tolerate my OM and his inconsideration, undependability and unpredictability. I feel starved to be mistreated at times and since I've invited him into my life - he seems to satisfy that craving I have, ridiculous as it may sound.

I'm going to go read the entire article now - more comments later

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:25am
Hi lilah

You're back! -- I remember you and your situation.

That was a great article -- thanks for posting it. I myself do not see my A "healing family wounds," but I did find some aspects of the article that I could relate to. (I'm sure everyone here could relate to it in one way or another).

I think it also can explain to a lot of the women on this board WHY their MM break contact for a while, etc. -- At least it did for me. I think it's true that most women are longing for the emotional and intimate connection in the relationship more than men. Most women want the emotional aspect with the sex (although I don't think the article touched enough on how much women DO want and crave the great sex), and men want the sex without getting too emotionally involved. It certainly confirmed what I was guessing to be the case in my A.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:26am
I think maybe that's my situation too. But I'm beginning to see I have control issues with MM. I feel this constant need to have him wrapped around my finger. He started this whole thing by telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he was falling for me. So when it turns around to where I'm chasing him, it bothers me immensely. So I do anything to wrap him back up in me again. Yesterday I was telling him that at the beginning of this week I felt so strong but all week he's been coming at me with all this sexy stuff and I'm getting weaker and weaker. He pointed out that I've done the exact same thing to him. I never thought about it that way. I've been teasing and flirting all week and if he were feeling strong, I pulled him down. I realized when I thought about it that I've been weakening him because I want him to think about me all the time but at the same time, I resent him for weakening me because I DON'T want to think about him all the time. It's not fair at all, but that's how I feel. But it DOES support the theory that I'm seeking that love and attention I never got from my dad. I feel like my dad just shoved me aside without a second thought, so here I am wanting this man, who is the father of a little girl and a very GOOD father at that, chasing me around unable to think about anything BUT me. On top of that, he's older by a few years so he represents that father I never had. I think the fact that he loves his daughter so much that he pushes me away out of fear of losing her only adds to my attraction to him. I'm sure all this would come out in therapy. Heck, between my abandonment issues and emotional abuse and sexual abuse by a babysitter's son when I was 6 or 7, I'm a therapist's DREAM! It's no wonder I've made such a mess of my life... I think the focus is not why I got involved in an affair but why I've always had these crushes because, honestly, had MM never initiated all this, I never would have even given him a second thought. I never would have had the courage to seek out an affair on my own.

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