Reasons for infidelity
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| Wed, 10-22-2003 - 2:50pm |
"...the marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate who provides security and stability. It's healthy to seek that balancing. But after we've mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There is a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner; the person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who is difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable. Under those circumstances, the unfaithful partner is often caught in a triangle."
So if this is me, what does that mean? Does anyone else think they are in a similar situation? The article is REALLY good. It's a long one, but chances are you'll find your situation in there. It does show that not all affairs happen for the same reasons:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-19980701-000026.asp

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Edited 9/20/2004 2:10 pm ET ET by seansluv
Edited 10/22/2003 6:14:00 PM ET by julietsfate
First of all, before I forget...I went to counseling during my first marriage and she never suggested me ceasing my relations with my OM at the time. She listened, guided, suggested and listened some more...therapy is not about making decisions for you and it shouldnt be that way or you need a new therapist...
ok on to the article. That paragraph from the article totally covered me and my situation. I am in a very happy marriage, safe, secure etc. My marriage contains all of the qualities that were missing in my relationship with my father and my first husband. Ive often thought that the only thing missing in my life is the disfunction I've had all of my life. Without it something feels as though it's missing. I'm starting to think that's why I tolerate my OM and his inconsideration, undependability and unpredictability. I feel starved to be mistreated at times and since I've invited him into my life - he seems to satisfy that craving I have, ridiculous as it may sound.
I'm going to go read the entire article now - more comments later
Liberal
You're back! -- I remember you and your situation.
That was a great article -- thanks for posting it. I myself do not see my A "healing family wounds," but I did find some aspects of the article that I could relate to. (I'm sure everyone here could relate to it in one way or another).
I think it also can explain to a lot of the women on this board WHY their MM break contact for a while, etc. -- At least it did for me. I think it's true that most women are longing for the emotional and intimate connection in the relationship more than men. Most women want the emotional aspect with the sex (although I don't think the article touched enough on how much women DO want and crave the great sex), and men want the sex without getting too emotionally involved. It certainly confirmed what I was guessing to be the case in my A.
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