Reasons for infidelity
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-22-2003 - 2:50pm |
"...the marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate who provides security and stability. It's healthy to seek that balancing. But after we've mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There is a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner; the person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who is difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable. Under those circumstances, the unfaithful partner is often caught in a triangle."
So if this is me, what does that mean? Does anyone else think they are in a similar situation? The article is REALLY good. It's a long one, but chances are you'll find your situation in there. It does show that not all affairs happen for the same reasons:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-19980701-000026.asp

Pages
Im not quite clear on where you are at this point in your EMA - it appears that you are at the ending stage but haven't really gotten over the fence yet. Im glad to see you here with us and thank you for sharing your experience with us all - it was truly an eye opener.
Liberal
a/k/a cl-imshagnhurman
callmeliberal@hotmail.com
Generally people fear and avoid the unknown or unfamiliar. However, there is an adventure seeker in all of us. So if we are in a relationship that mirrors relationships we saw in our family we feel a sense of comfort and familiarity - even if it is a toxic relationship. The thing is we are already emotionally prepared to deal with this type of situation. Perhaps that is why something different is sought out. We have the security of the familiar and venture out into the unknown. This also works in the opposite way. We may be involved in an unfamiliar relationship but seek out the familiar to have a sense of security and control.
As an example, a friend of mine came from a family where Dad was an alcoholic and abusive. The parents stayed married until his death, and needless to say it was not a happy or stable family life. She has become involved in abusive relationships because she knows how to deal with that type of situation and perhaps to some extent she wants to "fix" that person, or make that person stop behaving in that manner because they love her. She married a really nice guy, that happened to be an alcoholic. After several years of marriage, she got to the point to where his alcoholism was too much and she divorced him. We talked at great length about what happened. She saw all the signs that he was an alcoholic before they got married, she just refused to admit that he had this problem. Not until after she had children did she realize how detrimental his behavior was to the family and she did not want her children to go through her childhood. Now she is involved with a very sweet, stable, loving, attentive, addiction free guy. She freaks out sometimes because things seem to be going too well and she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is an unfamiliar situation for her. It's a positive relationship but she hasn't dealt with what could be considered a "healthy" relationship before so sometimes she wants to just run for the door. Does this mean that if they marry she will find herself involved in an A with a "fixer upper" - who knows. I personally don't think she would have a A - but then again I never thought I'd be involved with a married man. I have a pretty good relationship with my dad, but not with my mom. About a year before I filed for D, I realized that I had married my mother!!! Frightening thought I know. My XH had so many of mother's personality traits and I realized, I was trying to find a way to get mother to love me by running a test trial with XH. If I could find a way to "make" him love me the way I wanted to be loved, then perhaps I could get mother to love me the way I needed her to love me - or to even accept me.
That is my 2cents for the day.
However, having visited this board for a few months now (not that long -- but I have read many posts), I do see common threads in many of the affairs. In the beginning, it seems that the majority of the men overwhelm “us”; shower us with attention, affection, sweet words and gestures, etc. Usually, the sexual relationship follows (although not in your case -– you are a strong woman!!:) Soon after the sex, we hear from them less; the sweet “somethings” from the beginning of the relationship begin to dwindle. I think the article’s discussion of the emotional aspect for men pinpointed why this happens. -– Men (maybe unwittingly or unconsciously) use the emotional aspect to get the sex; women have sex to get to the emotional level -– we crave that more (for whatever reason).
Once the sexual relationship is established, maybe men no longer feel the need (or even want) for the emotional level. Or, maybe they do want it, but feel the need to hold back from it. Women, on the other hand, feel it’s just the beginning -– it’s a means to an end; we are trying to get more emotion and intimacy out of it all (maybe unconsciously too). I don’t know -– I’m probably not making too much sense.
In your case it’s hard to tell; you two have not had sex, and the fact that he pulls away from the physical part of it does make things between you two sound a bit different.
Oh well, I rambled!!!
I also want to say that I DO think there are many other reasons men pull away -– guilt, fear, or maybe they are just plain busy. I think I have sufficiently confused everyone enough today!!
Keep us posted on your situation!
Charlotte
Yes, the sex does bring you closer in some ways, but I think because of the intense emotions sex inevitably brings with it, whether men want it or not...it comes (no pun intended!) and men sometimes have to pull away because of them -- even more. But your situation is interesting (and I'm learning from it) in that you two have not had sex and it still sounds very similar to those of us in affairs that have. Hmmmm...
So I guess you (and him) are actually pretty smart in fearing a possible sexual relationship between the two of you...the push pull factor will probably only intensify. The more emotionally involved you get, the more fearful he will get -- at least that's been my experience (but you can't have the sweet without the sour).
Good luck lilah, keep listening to your own advice, and keep us posted.
Charlotte
Pages