Reasons for infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Reasons for infidelity
18
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 2:50pm
I keep reading everywhere, including here, that if you're having an A, something is wrong with your marriage. I just can't believe that because, honestly, my marriage has always been great. Then a couple of weeks ago I was reading an article at Psychology Today (I've posted the link below) that dug a little deeper. One paragraph I read actually brought tears to my eyes. It hit home hard...VERY hard. I'm thinking maybe this is ME. Here's the paragraph:

"...the marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate who provides security and stability. It's healthy to seek that balancing. But after we've mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There is a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner; the person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who is difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable. Under those circumstances, the unfaithful partner is often caught in a triangle."

So if this is me, what does that mean? Does anyone else think they are in a similar situation? The article is REALLY good. It's a long one, but chances are you'll find your situation in there. It does show that not all affairs happen for the same reasons:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-19980701-000026.asp

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:38am
Hi Charlotte. An interesting thing happened here that sent me away. I was posting about how my MM pulls away sometimes and someone told me that in a healthy EMA, I would be the one he would turn to for strength, not the one he fights off all the time and considers his weakness. After reading all that, I became thoroughly disgusted with MM and our situation. I was convinced that I had a great H and that I didn't deserve this treatment. That an A wasn't worth it if it couldn't be the great love of my life. So I tried to end it and I went to the Ending board and tried to get strength there. MM accepted that I ended it, but then came after me again. He was pursuing me the way he did in the early days but this time I wasn't falling for it. So I kept him at a distance and I think I still have him at a distance. I'm not sure anymore. I keep trying to evaluate how I feel about him but my mind is kind of numb right now. I guess I'm just tired of overthinking and analyzing things. The truth is, all of our situations are different and if one of us has a man who goes NC without explanation or pulls away a lot, we can't just assume that man is a snake. If that article taught me anything, it's that men enter into EMAs for various reasons (as do women) and some men may not have a single shred of guilt. But there are so many factors at play here, it's not as black and white as "he's a jerk." If a man has a loving, caring wife but something's just not right then of course there will be a HUGE amount of guilt for what he's doing as opposed to a man who maybe has a wife who treats him like crap. In my case, MM does seem to be pretty emotionally involved with me but he's the type who falls hard and fast. I think for him, having an A makes him feel more secure because if something were to happen with his M, he'd have a backup. I know that sounds odd...but this is his second A and he told me if something happened to his W he'd remarry pretty soon after. He just HAS to have a relationship. He's actually fought the sex more than I have. He won't kiss me most times, even when I want him to, because it "makes him want more." I'm fine with just kissing and never going any further (although eventually I guess I'd want more). We all have emotional baggage and our MM/OMs have emotional baggage too and with each of our situations being different, I'm not sure we can say who has a good OM/MM and who has a bad one. I think it does help having that cold bucket of ice water splashed on us every now and then and an objective perspective is certainly worth the hurt it inflicts, but I think I harshly judged MM after what I read here. I think it's not fair of me to assume that just because he gets bogged down with guilt sometimes that he is a jerk or insensitive or whatever. I look at it this way -- if some bizarre series of events were to occur and I were to end up married to him, wouldn't I want him to go through a whole lot of hell before he fell into bed with another woman? Of course I would. The fact that he's anguishing over it as much as he is makes me respect him a little more, especially since his wife is wonderful. That's not to say a man who doesn't anguish isn't a good man...it's just that the circumstances all factor in here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:48am
Lilah, thank you so much for sharing your experience. Perhaps your post will serve as a reminder to all of us that what we read here on our board is merely opinion and sharing of personal experiences - it is by no means the gospel. You are definately correct in saying that everyone's experience is different. Each EMA we share here on our board consists of it's own characteristics, goals, needs and overall expectations due to the fact that each relationship consists of two individuals.

Im not quite clear on where you are at this point in your EMA - it appears that you are at the ending stage but haven't really gotten over the fence yet. Im glad to see you here with us and thank you for sharing your experience with us all - it was truly an eye opener.

Liberal

a/k/a cl-imshagnhurman

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:58am
Here is my dime store psych theory...

Generally people fear and avoid the unknown or unfamiliar. However, there is an adventure seeker in all of us. So if we are in a relationship that mirrors relationships we saw in our family we feel a sense of comfort and familiarity - even if it is a toxic relationship. The thing is we are already emotionally prepared to deal with this type of situation. Perhaps that is why something different is sought out. We have the security of the familiar and venture out into the unknown. This also works in the opposite way. We may be involved in an unfamiliar relationship but seek out the familiar to have a sense of security and control.

As an example, a friend of mine came from a family where Dad was an alcoholic and abusive. The parents stayed married until his death, and needless to say it was not a happy or stable family life. She has become involved in abusive relationships because she knows how to deal with that type of situation and perhaps to some extent she wants to "fix" that person, or make that person stop behaving in that manner because they love her. She married a really nice guy, that happened to be an alcoholic. After several years of marriage, she got to the point to where his alcoholism was too much and she divorced him. We talked at great length about what happened. She saw all the signs that he was an alcoholic before they got married, she just refused to admit that he had this problem. Not until after she had children did she realize how detrimental his behavior was to the family and she did not want her children to go through her childhood. Now she is involved with a very sweet, stable, loving, attentive, addiction free guy. She freaks out sometimes because things seem to be going too well and she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is an unfamiliar situation for her. It's a positive relationship but she hasn't dealt with what could be considered a "healthy" relationship before so sometimes she wants to just run for the door. Does this mean that if they marry she will find herself involved in an A with a "fixer upper" - who knows. I personally don't think she would have a A - but then again I never thought I'd be involved with a married man. I have a pretty good relationship with my dad, but not with my mom. About a year before I filed for D, I realized that I had married my mother!!! Frightening thought I know. My XH had so many of mother's personality traits and I realized, I was trying to find a way to get mother to love me by running a test trial with XH. If I could find a way to "make" him love me the way I wanted to be loved, then perhaps I could get mother to love me the way I needed her to love me - or to even accept me.

That is my 2cents for the day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:09am
Hey lilah…interesting. I hope you didn’t think that I was saying that men are “snakes” because many tend to not want to get emotionally involved. -- I think (like you) that all situations are different, and of course, there are surely men who may be looking for that aspect of the relationship.

However, having visited this board for a few months now (not that long -- but I have read many posts), I do see common threads in many of the affairs. In the beginning, it seems that the majority of the men overwhelm “us”; shower us with attention, affection, sweet words and gestures, etc. Usually, the sexual relationship follows (although not in your case -– you are a strong woman!!:) Soon after the sex, we hear from them less; the sweet “somethings” from the beginning of the relationship begin to dwindle. I think the article’s discussion of the emotional aspect for men pinpointed why this happens. -– Men (maybe unwittingly or unconsciously) use the emotional aspect to get the sex; women have sex to get to the emotional level -– we crave that more (for whatever reason).

Once the sexual relationship is established, maybe men no longer feel the need (or even want) for the emotional level. Or, maybe they do want it, but feel the need to hold back from it. Women, on the other hand, feel it’s just the beginning -– it’s a means to an end; we are trying to get more emotion and intimacy out of it all (maybe unconsciously too). I don’t know -– I’m probably not making too much sense.

In your case it’s hard to tell; you two have not had sex, and the fact that he pulls away from the physical part of it does make things between you two sound a bit different.

Oh well, I rambled!!!

I also want to say that I DO think there are many other reasons men pull away -– guilt, fear, or maybe they are just plain busy. I think I have sufficiently confused everyone enough today!!

Keep us posted on your situation!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:43am
I'm not sure where I am in my A either. I'd love to believe I'm in the ending stages but if you still see the person every day and talk to him, can it ever really be over? Further, if you feel ADDICTED to seeing him and if you don't get your daily fix you are saddened deeply, it can't really be over either. I mentioned this on the Ending board and got interesting results...but there's a Jim Carrey movie coming out soon called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (I think) where he goes to a service that will erase all memories of a bad love affair from his mind so he can move on without the pain. I asked on the Ending board if they would do that if they could and they all said no. That although they are in deep pain now, they wouldn't trade their experiences for anything. That they learned and grew from it. But I still remain unconvinced. I think if somehow I could remove all traces of the last five months from my brain and go back to seeing MM as a fun but not attractive guy, I'd be so much better. I saw this guy every day for a year and a half and didn't find him even remotely attractive, so it seems like it could be easily fixed! MM told me a couple of weeks ago that things would never be like they were in the beginning -- that he's faced the fact that we can't be more than just flirting friends because of circumstances -- but then he turned around this week and started planning out how we would meet at a hotel room and consummate this. I take everything he says to heart, but then nothing sticks. I'm beginning to learn not to listen to him because how he feels today won't be the same as how he'll feel tomorrow. Does anyone else have that problem? I guess it's just the nature of the beast; after all, I do the same thing. One day I'm sure it's over and the next I look at him and know I can't live without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 10:58am
Oh no, Charlotte, I was directly addressing the reason I left which had nothing to do with you I'm pretty sure. I don't even remember the names and it doesn't matter...they were trying to help and they did help. Maybe I can credit them with the fact that I don't see MM through the rose-colored glasses I once did and if that's the case, whoever it was deserves a HUGE thanks! I'm back in the A but I feel like I'm in control now. I feel like I have him eating out of my hand; it's just when he turns on me again, I'm going to have to find the strength to let him go days without calling me and to not pick up that phone and sacrifice my pride as I've done in the past. It's not that I'm a strong woman for avoiding sex...he has avoided it as much as I have. We've kissed a few times but he gets really freaked out by it. I just can't bring myself to go to a hotel room with him or whatever. I'm TERRIFIED of getting caught, as is he. It's a big step and I have a feeling if he can't handle a kiss without getting all guilty and pushing me away, sex is really going to do a number on him. Your post makes me all the more determined not to have sex with him. Maybe my case is just an example of what happens when you prolong things a bit. You still get taken for granted either way, if I'm any example. Some have said that the sex brings you much closer, though. I think a lot of it is that after the sex, then what? More sex. Beyond sex, there really is no next stage. If it were a real R, you'd progress to a deeper relationship, then either marriage or living together, then children. But in an A there's no progressing to the next level so what are they to do? You're kind of stuck. And the situation with my MM is exactly the same, even without the sex. He's said he's realized we can't do anything right now because of our situation so he keeps things on a friendly level as much as he can. But then things started going poorly with his W... Without going into details, she beats his ego down about certain things and I'm starting to see that he comes to me to build the ego back up. But once she's over this tangent she's on right now and she starts treating him well again, there I'll go back to the trash heap. So I'd be crazy to sleep with him, knowing that was coming down the way, wouldn't I? I guess fear motivates my behavior more than anything. You only have to be hurt so many times before you finally learn to protect yourself against it. Problem is, I can't fully enjoy the good times now because I know bad times are coming and I feel like if I let myself get emotionally involved, it'll hurt even worse. Plus I'm sensing that the more emotionally involved I get, the more afraid he gets. Seems that if I hold myself back he doesn't get as afraid...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:20am
"I'm going to have to find the strength to let him go days without calling me and to not pick up that phone and sacrifice my pride as I've done in the past." -- that's right, listen to your Mars/Venus advice!!!;)

Yes, the sex does bring you closer in some ways, but I think because of the intense emotions sex inevitably brings with it, whether men want it or not...it comes (no pun intended!) and men sometimes have to pull away because of them -- even more. But your situation is interesting (and I'm learning from it) in that you two have not had sex and it still sounds very similar to those of us in affairs that have. Hmmmm...



So I guess you (and him) are actually pretty smart in fearing a possible sexual relationship between the two of you...the push pull factor will probably only intensify. The more emotionally involved you get, the more fearful he will get -- at least that's been my experience (but you can't have the sweet without the sour).

Good luck lilah, keep listening to your own advice, and keep us posted.


Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:37am
What's going to complicate matters is my move to a work area where I'll see him more, but we'll have zero privacy. Where I am now, occasionally we are alone and can sneak a kiss. Once I move there will be people all around and I'll be in a cubicle so the private phone conversations we have now will be halted. So unless I do agree to meet him somewhere outside of here, the physical isn't going anywhere. I guess we could sneak off somewhere here, but that's risky too. What I don't understand is why I'm LESS emotionally involved than I was before. I'm addicted to him, yes, but generally I'm just plain confused about the whole thing. A couple of months ago I was head-over-heels, sure this was the guy for me (even though we make no sense together) and dreaming of spending the rest of my life with him. But now I find myself looking at him sometimes and thinking, "This is the guy I used to think was a dumb redneck. What have I been THINKING?" Is it normal to feel that way inside the relationship? Aren't I supposed to be so blinded by love that I can't see him for whom he really is? I guess I spend so much time trying to talk myself out of him that I'm succeeding in a way. We walked to the parking lot together the other day -- first time in months that we've done that -- and he was talking about us running away together and it felt so weird. It felt like I was talking to the old MM, the one I just thought of as a friend. I just keep thinking, "Hang on to that feeling. Don't let him pull you back under." He mentioned us meeting at a hotel -- just hypothetically -- and I said, but what if my car broke down? He had it all worked out -- how we could meet somewhere that it would make sense I would be alone and if something happened, he has a friend he could trust to pick him up and not ask questions. I was thinking, "Well, that'll give me something to fantasize about" but I went home and tried and I couldn't. I couldn't imagine myself making love to him in a hotel room somewhere where we'd snuck off to be and we would possibly be caught. I couldn't get past the guilt I would feel and the guilt I know he'd feel and the fear I'd have that the following day, he'd pull away worse than ever. Is it just that I've let it go so long without sex that I can't imagine doing it anymore, because a few months ago I probably would have gone through with it...

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