Regret but not for the reasons I expected

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Regret but not for the reasons I expected
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 4:03pm

This is my first time posting. I am posting here because people seem mostly supportive and understanding and not judgemental. I just had my first affair this week, and I am trying to process it. I am regretting it now because of the way the guy treated me. 

This is my story.  To lay the ground work, I've been in a non-marital relationship with no children for over 10 years. There have been struggles during that time. With my partner's depression, with libido, but we're actually in a good place at this moment. We also met when we were very young and, until last week, he was the only person I'd slept with. Add on the fact that I have a very open attitude toward sex and sexuality, and do not believe in monogamy (though I have been monogamous this whole time), and this was bound to happen eventually. I do not see it as connected to my partner though, but as something separate. 

Anyway, I routinely have crushes and flirtations but had never, ever crossed a physical line with anyone. Not even close. But earlier this summer, a guy approached me in a bar in a city that I don't live in but visit regularly. He is the best looking man I have ever seen in real life, and also a free spirit, punk rock type guy. I try to maintain a bohemian side to my professional existence, but part of me wishes I could live the lifestyle this guy has.  Anyway, I was pretty floored by him, but at the time thinking, wow, this is amazing, but I will never do anything with it. I left the bar that night and said to my friend "knowing you could sleep with a guy like that and not doing it is so much better than really doing it, cause you get the thrill without the complications."  I should have listened to myself.  I should add that he was very aggressive about getting me to go home with him that night (I didn't) and that there was always a sleazy undercurrent in our encounters of this nature that made me uncomfortable.

So I am dumb, and I find him on social media, and he immediately asks me when I'll be in town and gives me his number. There isn't much interaction after that. But next time I am in town I text him.  He didn't know who I was (he didn't have my number and I didn't say). I think he even thought I was another girl at first (player red flag number 2), but when he found out who I was he invited me to this party at his place. I go, and he is all over me, but I feel awk, both due to guilt and his assertiveness, so I leave eventually. But not before kissing him.  The kiss was not that great to be honest, but I get back to my friend's place and I immediately want more. He is so good looking and I find his lifestyle so alluring, I'm hooked. But I don't know if I ever would have done anything if he didn't text me and ask me to hang out with him again. I wasn't in the city but told him I'd love to see him again. A week later he texts me again to ask when I'll be back.  A week after that I text him and he texts me back immediately. Our texts are shallow but consistent. I decide I want a one night stand with him.  This is key, because at this point I know he is a player and likely to turn cold once the deed is done.  This is in part what is attractive about the opportunity, because it feels NSA and so it won't bleed into my life.  I should also say that b/c his interest seemed so shallow, I didn't worry so much about hurting him, so I did not come clean about my situation. As far as he knows, I am single. 

A week goes by and I get drunk and text him, and then he calls me.  This seemed like a major escalation in our interactions to me. And his voice mail was so sweet and nervous. I don't speak to him, but some texts and online messages later and he asks me on what seems like a real date.  A few days before that real date, he texts me to make it even more datelike, suggesting we spend the whole day together.  Part of me is like, wow, awesome, he likes me!  and part of me is like, this is a player who thinks I require a date to put out. (I'd already decided at this point to put out, btw. I thought about it a lot. I figured this is the safest way to experiment with someone else, since it is out of town and shallow. I wanted to work out some sexual issues on my own and had the support of friends and family going into it). The day before the date, I text him to confirm and he calls me the instant he gets off of work. When we talk, he suggests we meet for drinks that night as well, and I agree, knowing that we'll probably have sex that night.  He is saying things to me like "we're going to have 36 hours together," "I will take you to breakfast," "we'll get your stuff and you'll stay with me, no expectations."  Looking back, I see this all as pillow talk, but my friends are convinced he wanted more.  Anyway, I go back to his place and have sex which is like our previous interactions, exciting, but a little sleazy. There were times I tried to slow things down, and he was just as assertive/aggressive as he had always been. But I wanted it too. Afterward I was so glad I did it, but thought, I will never do this again, I know what it is like now, and I thought, I definitely do not want to lose my partner over this.  I should also say that I had the distinct feeling it had been about the sex and nothing more.  So, afterward we do cuddle and what not, he gives me a shirt to sleep in, but for a variety of reasons, I leave. I sneak out.  Now, I text him immediately to apologize, tell him I had a good time, and confirm that I still want to see him the next day, but I did leave and that may or may not be a factor in what happens next (my friends think I hurt his feelings).

The next day I am ambivalent about seeing him again. One crazy night is one thing, two is getting a little more deceptive and the idea of sleeping with him again makes me feel guilty. I debate whether or not to even see him again, but he texts me to set up a meeting time and we go through with the date.   As has already been established, my physical attraction to this guy is fierce, so as soon as I see him, I think i'll do it again. The date is fantastic. I love our conversation, and after a few hours he is all over me again like before, even making comments about having sex again that night. But then, another girl shows up! I find out later after talking to her that she texted him when she got off work and he invited her to meet us (we're at an event, not like dinner or something).  She is way younger and way thinner than I am. After she arrives, he puts his hand on my leg twice more, but things cool off permanently after that. We all go back to his place, which is very communal so there are tons of people around. They seem flirty together, but he does some things that seem cold to her too (like not accompanying her to go get food when she clearly wanted him to and disappearing for at least an hour on both of us).  When he finally comes back from wherever he is (getting high, I am pretty sure), he sits down and starts talking to her and ignoring me. So I decide to leave.  He walks me out and says in kind of a sweet voice "I feel like I am never going to see you." I think he had a nice "break up speech" planned. I derail it by offering to stay (idiot) and then he goes totally cold. He says no, he is tired, that he's dead from the waist down. He tries to say something about how we'll always have this weekend and shuts the door on me saying "we're done, we're done".  I am crushed.

Over the next few days, my friends convince me he really liked me and I hurt his feelings and he was just high. So I send him a few texts. One gets a lackluster response, the other gets nothing, so it is clear he really is done with me. To add insult to injury, it is clear from social media that they're together like every night now. I feel like this is such bad timing. If she had come along a few weeks before, he would have been distracted by her and nothing would have happened with me; a few weeks after and it would have been a separate thing. Right in the middle crushes me.

 I know this is for the best because continued contact might affect my relationship and I do not want that. But I am hurt and rejected. I wanted one dumb, fun thing, and I feel like I was robbed of that by how it ended. Also, part of my attraction to him was that he was my teenage self's dream guy. I wanted my teenage self to get some revenge and have a little fun, and instead had the exact same experience that my poor teenage self always had (getting dropped for the hotter girl, or in this case younger, she's not *really* that much hotter) and brought back all those traumas.  Now I am just depressed and I feel like this experience didn't have to be this way. It could have been this nice little steam valve on my relationship (which has improved sexually since I started talking to this guy, btw), and now I just feel depressed. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 4:26pm

Ok, the bright side is now you have a good story!  I could totally see myself falling for the same sort of guy, and the same situation.  It's hard to say no when you see pure hotness and badness in front of you, waving itself around under your nose!  I think many girls would fall for a scenario like that (and probably have fallen for that EXACT one with that same

I'm sorry it wasn't what you expected it to be.  If you would have just stayed away and left the player waking up alone, wondering WTH happened, that would have been the justice high school you wanted.  But we are dorks because we are  We don't have the smooth timing the perfect people have.  We feel too much and think too much, analyze way too much and internalize too much.  So what's a girl to do?  Move on...  I am not meaning that in a dismmissive way, but more of a way that says there is a lot of positive to get out of this.

You got to know what it is like to be with that kind of guy.  You will have the memory of those moments. Although the sex wasn't that thrilling, I'm sure some of the mental pictures of his loveliness will stick in your head.  That's good!  It's nice to have those hot, pretty memories even if the guy himself didn't measure up.  You also learned you aren't missing out on much.  I'm sure your ego was hurt, but I know that type of guy, and he didn't care WHO the girl was.  He picked her because she was there and available.  She brought him pizza that next night.  She showed up at 11PM a few days later and pried some new girl off him to bring him home with her.  She's buying him drinks now when he accidentally forgets his wallet at home.  Lucky  She was there.  It could have been you just as well, but you didn't have the freedom (or hopefully the stupidity) to be there.  

I know it is stinging now, but I think if you focus on the positive, you will be able to move on and view this as an interesting experiement in your life.  And if you choose to have another A, it will help you to choose a person who can give you a more rewarding experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 9:19pm

Well, I have an update.  I saw him again this weekend.  After I noticed that he and the other girl weren't friends on social media anymore, he posted something asking people to send their phone numbers to him cause he lost his phone. So I sent him a message, assuming he wouldn't write back, but he did and we were in touch back and forth for a while.  I went back down to the town he lives in over the weekend. He contacted me a few days in advance to invite me to this event he was organizing (a music thing; he's a musician) and asked if I would spend the night that night. So we met up, and I spent the night again. When we woke up, we hung out all morning. He was going through his cds and playing all these different songs for me that he'd written and recorded with different bands. Showing off or trying to connect?  He took me to breakfast.  Both during the cab ride home that night and at breakfast he kept mentioning the fact that I'd left last time in the middle of the night and seemed embarrassed about his place. Sincere or manipulative?  I mean, we spent 6 hours the next morning together, but is that just what he likes to do with his conquests, as a player, or is that sincere interest in me?  I know I should be thinking about how this will effect my primary relationship, but I just keep thinking about him, and where things can go from here if anywhere.