Regretful, remorseful, duped
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| Sat, 05-01-2004 - 2:41am |
I feel like OM was pulling me into a scheme for the last several months. He found my vulnerabilities, said all the right things, and now he is flakey. I think I was a challenge, a conquest. Maybe I am crazy. But what happened was a big deal to me. A big risk. And I'm not a casual sex kind of person. OM is only the second person I've been with in my life. H is the only other. I thought something special was happening. I thought it was meaningful, emotional.
Yet he tells me it was fun. It was. But before he talked about all these feelings. Not physical feelings, but feelings feelings. He said he cared for me. As I was falling over the line last weekend, he kept saying things like "what if it is love?" Why would he say that? I dont think he meant it. I think he was lying. Maybe he didn't mean to lie. Maybe he thought he meant it.
We are both in committed Rs, so I dont know what I expected. We couldn't go live happily ever after. I know that. But there has been so little contact since then. We are working on a huge joint project together and the stress is high. He knew I was upset this morning over the project and rather than helping me himself, he sent his GF. What was that all about? He's lied to me this week. Avoided me. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other in months.
I dont know what I expected. I'm just sorry I did this. I know that I got exactly what I deserved. I wish I could go back in time. But I can't. And I so deserve the pain I am feeling.

Be true to you
F