In response to "Do They Ever Leave"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In response to "Do They Ever Leave"
11
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 6:06pm
Hello, I am an OLD timer here....I don't post very often but your question struck a cord with me.

Do they ever leave.....the answer is that sometimes yes they do.

HOWEVER, I am very big on the saying Be Careful What You Wish For.

My MM left his exW (not necessarily FOR me mind you) and we got married. That was over 5 years ago now....

Keep in mind though, you never ever know someone until you are living with them and guess what....we are now divorcing. Not because of any EMAs just simply because he is a child that never grew up and I got tired of being his mommy...I would have never believed this was possible with the man I was involved with but you just don't know. I actually sypathize with his exW...how very sad is that.

So even though I am not saying that NONE of these things work out...I'm sure there are some that do...just be careful because no matter how much you love someone...something just were not meant to be forever.

Good Luck with whatever path you choose.

Key

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 6:17pm

Hey Key,


Nice to see you hon... hope things are going well for you.


luv and hugs

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My Affair Support
Email me

"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

"Happiness is like a butterfly, if pursued it is always out of our reach. However if we sit quietly, it comes and rests gently on our shoulder"

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 10:24pm
Everyone here,

My advice is to print monkeysgirl's post off, and frame it. Hang it on your refrigerator.

The moral of the story is, even in an affair, when you think you are 'in love', what you are feeling is not the same kind of emotion that will get you through years and years of a day-to-day relationship with your other guy.

Not trying to be a downer, just (after many years of pain, and a few of reality) trying to be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 9:16am
If you have time and are still here, could you tell me a little about what this guy was like when you were first involved? Were there any hints? My MM is a big kid at times and it does concern me. He jumps right in there with his DD and her friends and plays but he does take the stern father thing. It's just that he's always said he'll never grow up...that he's a big kid. Should I be concerned? I do think his W seems rather frustrated with him at times, going by what I've seen personally and what I've heard people say, including him. I don't know... I know you can't predict what someone will be like within a marital relationship, but if you know which warning signs to look for, it helps. Of course, my H is like a child sometimes too and I'm beginning to think all men are to a certain extent. They just aren't as self-sufficient as we are, seems like. But I wouldn't want someone who had no responsibility whatsoever...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 10:05am
Okay, I realize you guys are only talking about what you've experienced, but I see a LOT of generalizations being thrown about and I felt compelled to respond. First of all, I don't think all men are children. Some are yes, but then so are some women. I guess the biggest problem I have with my W is she wants to be either my mother or have me treat her like a little girl. I want an equal partnership. Part of the reason there are so many men with issues of growing up is because there are so many women who baby their sons. So if you want to end that cycle, you have that power.

As far as whether an affair can turn into a successful relationship, I think it depends on how realistic the people involved are. You can't expect to jump from one relationship to another very successfully ever in my opinion. It takes time and the best thing to do is to not live together right away and see how things develop. If you know that you're not jumping into some perfect relationship and have actually developed a real connection with the person and not just a physical one, I would say the chances of that relationship working are generally no worse than any other. The problem comes when people specifically choose someone they aren't compatible with, which I also believe happens in affairs a lot. So I guess I would say to proceed with caution, but don't assume every statistic applies to you either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:04pm
To Omahamm....

Please understand that I do not generalize all men as children...I actually would prefer a man to have a child-side...just not ONLY have a child side. My stbxH (previous MM) was not a rushed relationship. We have know each other more than 15 years, knew each other before he married his first W and were friends the whole time. All I am trying to do is

is give some of the ladies here a reality check, so that they make sure the go into things with their eyes open. You really don't know someone until you live with them, and sometimes not even then (I lived with him previously, but he didn't show his true self until after the ink dried on the marriage license). If I can save even one person from some of the misery I have experienced then that makes me feel better. This could go for male OR females...the only advice I gave was Be Careful What You Wish For...

P.S. On a side note...if I am lucky enough to be around to see my children grow up and marry and I get even a hint that they are acting similarly to stbxH, I will kick their butts (whether that be verbally or physically).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:19pm
To lilah iv....

Honestly, I wish the childlike behaviour I am speaking of were that he played with the kids and acted like one of them with them. As it is, he barely notices them.

I am speaking of more the relationship between he and I. I am "expected" to cook, clean, take care of the kids, the pets, the finances, work a full time job, AND be waiting at the door when he comes home from work were a pretty little teddie and ready to take care of his other "needs"...all the while he doesn't expect to have to lift a hand, (not even a finger) to contribute to the family in any way that isn't finacial.

Did I see signs of this prior to us living together? No way...what I saw was that he cleaned and cooked as much if not more than his exW, and was what appeared to be the perfect "partner"...when he lived on his own he was self-sufficiant and when we first moved in together...we did things together. As I said to someone else...it wasn't until the inked dried on the marriage license that things changed...

Now I am in completely agreement with ohmann? (i'm sorry his name and spelling are escaping me at the moment) when he said he wants a PARTNER...that is all I wanted myself...a partner...not a dependant...hence the divorce (I refuse to completely take care of another male unless I have given birth to him).

I do not claim to be an expert on relationships nor am I currently very big on marriage at all so please keep that in mind while you are reading this post. I hope I answered your question...if not...LOL...ask me again and I'll try again.

Have a nice day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:38pm
Why do you think that your stbXh's attitude changed once the ink dried on the marriage papers? Was he just interested in the chase and once he got you - he wasn't involved anymore? I hope you don't mind my asking...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 1:11pm
I wish I knew....

I do have some ideas, however, I don't want to take this board away from the EMA support which is it's intention. If you would like to speak of this feel free to email me...is that still a feature here? I know they did away with Ivillage email...does it go to the email you used when you signed up now? I wonder which of them i used? LOL...anyway, just post here that I have mail and I will find it!

Have a great day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 1:39pm
I sent you mail. thnx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 1:42pm
ok, let me find it. ROFL!!

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