In response to meow and ?s re: counselor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In response to meow and ?s re: counselor
1
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:17am
I see my counselor once a week and have been going for 4 months. No, I don’t know him outside of a professional manner. He has seen me only mostly, but my H as come a few times, too.

It is sooo right that we all change during the course of our relationships and lives. H and I were a PERFECT match 15 years ago, and MM and his W were a perfect match 10 years ago. Now…….not so much for either of us.

My counselor didn’t say that MM and I would have a hard time parting BECAUSE of the physical aspect – he said that ending it may not be the best thing for ME considering what I am facing in various aspects of my life. As a matter of fact MM and I have only been physical 3 times in the past 4 months. I think my counselor might have meant that I am drawing a lot of strength (?) from my R with MM and therefor, ending it may not serve a greater purpose. I don’t think I’ll feel pain when/if the physical aspect of our R ends. If the physical ends, we will still have a great deal of love for each other as friends and will continue to see each other as friends. I agree – MM is not my “be all and end all”, but I would jump at the chance to MAKE him that LOL.

Ya know…I just plainly and simply LIKE MM more than my H. MM is gentle, kind, caring, a “go getter”, a “leader” a positive person, a romantic person, a man who treats women with respect and who truly cares for the people in his life. Yes, H has some of those qualities, but I’ve been hurt by H so many times, I’m having a hard time “allowing” him back into my heart and trusting him again – I “feel” like he is not going to continue his efforts to change and be more attentive to our M.


I wonder…..what IF is was to tell MM I’d rather be with him than H - “let’s ditch the lousy spouses and try for a happy life with each other” What could it really hurt? If it scares him off then so be it – we end this thing and move on. If he takes it to heart and considers it, then maybe we will both gain from it (although our spouses and the friendships we have with them would be totally screwed). Geez..I don’t know. I’m pretty tempted to say that I hope he doesn’t contact me when he gets back in town – he well as a friend, but maybe I dont want him to contact me as a lover. Then ther is that big part of me who can not WAIT to hold him and touch him and kiss him…….ugh!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:02pm
Thanks FWB for your response - I had asked about your counselor because I wondered how well he knew you.

FWB, I do realise how your & MM's friendship for each other is a priority over the benefits, and that you *like* him for who he is (I say like, because I *like* my MM too, even though I love him). It's funny I jumped on the physical, guess that tells where the back of my mind was, lol. But, I was talking from my own experience - to me the physical is just as important as the emotional.

I can see where your counselor would say you are gaining strength and support from MM in your EMA - but wasn't he there for you as a friend Before your EMA? I don't understand how ending your EMA would change the friendship/support/strength in your friendship if the physical is not a large part of it (if it ends amicably, not caught, etc.). Does that make sense? Not that I am saying you should end it or not, and not that I am a certified counselor, lol!

What if you told MM you'd rather be with him than H? Does that mean you two have to act on it, right now? Would it affect your friendship? If you end the benefits, would you miss the physical, and be able to switch back to friends and be happy with that? Would that affect your friendship? What if even the friendship were to disolve - would you be o.k.? You seem to be enjoying your friendship with benefits - you don't seem to have the ups and downs - can you enjoy it for what it is, now? Can you wait until you reach a bridge (if you do) before thinking if you will cross it or not, or do you feel the need for change now?

I think if you keep asking questions of yourself, getting insight from others, you will eventually learn what you really want, and you'll find yourself stronger for that knowledge. LOL, I'm beginning to realise it could take me a lifetime!