Returning after a LONG absence

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Returning after a LONG absence
5
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 3:19pm
Hi

I was a member of this board a long long time ago. And I am still in the EMA and up until today I thought I was handling it just fine.

I am 40ish, married, no kids and have been in an EMA with a 40ish MM, no kids for 4 years. We both lived in a midwest state and when he took a job on the east coast, I followed suit and moved here as well. ( My H and I were sep for the first 3+ years of the EMA)

The hard part is that through the kind of work we do... I got to know the W and he got to know my H and we do lots of "couple" things which is really OK...well...most of the time.

I thought I was OK with loving the MM and knowing it will never amount to a "real" or "normal" relationship....and slowly over time it has changed. I get angry that he confides in me, and we share dreams and talk about the future as if there IS one...and then I have to see them together in the work context and THAT is what drives me crazy. I think "it should be ME and not HER" and it has slowly been eating me up inside.

I took a work trip this week with the MM and the W ( H is at home) and we spent a full day and a night together and it was wonderful. He was actually very "clingy" and very emotional... and that is a different thing for him. I was realy very happy kissing him Goodbye in the AM when he went off to do his work and I went off to shop with a friend...but then.. when it came time for bed that night, I realized how much I wish he could be with me all the time... and it has been a major depression since then. In all honesty, we are very very good friends as well as lovers... it took him 2years to admit to loving me but we frequently talk about the love we share, and he is my BEST friend.

I am just needing some "friends" - thats you guys.. to give me a little emotional boost right now. I came from a morning event with the MM and the W... and I realized how much I wish for more than what I have....

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 4:44pm
Hi F4L,

That stinks, and my cyberhugs go out to you. I wonder if I could ever be strong enough to do what you have been able to do so far: maintain a good friendship and work R while being lovers... knowing that the W and work obligations come first. Sometimes I *think* I can but I worry that what is happening to you will one day happen to me... I will want more.

Have you ever discussed more? Is it a possibility? Or are your feelings changing in a way that the R will not be able to? And if that's the case, are you willing to let go of it because it will not meet your needs?

Regardless of what you choose, you're in a tough place right now and my heart feels for you. I hope we can help you through this.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 4:45pm
I am feeling the same way today. Wishing for more. I love MM with all of my heart. And I honestly do understand the things that keep him with his W. Doesn't make the yearning any easier some days. The going to bed and waking up in his arms urge. The idea of going grocery shopping with him even. Why does SHE get to be there when she doesn't even really want to be, and ME who really wants to be ISN'T??!!

I'm impressed it has taken you 4 years to realize that you want more!! I've been in my EMA for a year and a half now. And I have wanted more from the beginning. The urge has changed though. I have experienced time with no MM in my life. We were on NC for quite awhile. I can compare the two, and know that for now at least, the little time I do get, is more important to me than hours, days or years I have spent in *real* relationships with others.

I have probably been no help to you at all!! Babbling a little I think. Hope your day gets brighter :-)

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 7:39pm
Hi F4L,

My heart goes out to you hon... and I hope that you get all the cuberhugs I'm sending.

I can relate in many ways to how you feel... I've been with MM now for almost 3 and a half years and I know there is a yearning there... but somehow I managed to understand and live (without depressing myself) that what we have will always just be an EMA... and in all honesty... I'm ok with that. I feel that having him in my life this way... is better than not having him at all... even though it's just an EMA... I think it's a special relationship... and it's certainly grown over the years.

However... I can say that... knowing that I will probably never have to meet his wife and get to know her in anyway... thank goodness! While I'm always interested in MM' life... including his wife... knowing that all at home is good with them... makes me happy for him... but if I had to watch them being happy together... I really wouldn't know if I would be as strong a person as I am now with our relationship... I couldn't say at all.

I think it's time to reaccess what you have and what you want... if you think you can accept all this... then continue on and enjoy it for what it brings... but if you think you want more than what he can give... then the pain of the bad might just out weigh the good... and as painful as it would be... it might be time to turn the page on this chapter in your life.

It really all comes back to you...

luv and hugs

Sweet


Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 8:54pm
Hi Lily

We have never "REALLY" talked about the possibility of more. We have talked about WANTING more and wanting things to be different. But, financially for both of us...well.. it would take away so much - that it would have no alternative but to affect our R at a time when the R would be most vulnerable. Does that make sense??? It does to me - but sometimes I am not really clear translating from my head and heart to my fingers.

Am I willing to let it go if the possibility is not a reality? No, not at this point. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before - and we both agree... had we met each other before our respective spouses...well... chances are very good we would have ended up with each other.

Most of all...this man has such a good heart. He is one of the most caring individuals I have ever met. And when I have needed him - he has been there 100%. I know if I told him I needed to walk away from the R because I needed more... he would understand... and he would STILL be my Best friend.

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 8:59pm
CFH:

I guess I always wished for more, but I was able to rationalize that this was all I could get and I would be ok with it... It is just getting harder to deal with it on a daily basis...We too have been on a NC basis for a little time ( a few weeks when he was traveling and we decided to try NC -no email/phone etc. ) and those few weeks made us both realize how much we wanted to be together. We have become so much more aware of our feelings and we voice them to each other all the time.. which makes the emotional level both comforting and overwhelming at the same time..

Thanks for your post :)

F4L