a revelation
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| Tue, 11-11-2008 - 7:14pm |
Hi everyone, long time no see.
Although my A ended eight months ago (wow) and my M awhile after that, I have found that lately I have been doing a lot of thinking..trying to figure out what went wrong in my marriage and what patterns I fell into to make it go wrong, as well as why I had an affair in the first place and how not to go there again.
I was working out today when I had a revelation! I said for years that I loved my XAP..deeply, passionately..and I did. But really probably 75% of it was that I loved how he made me FEEL: alive, sexy, wanted, beautiful. There were a lot of things about him that I didn't even like: his temper, his lifestyle, how he refused to get a backbone and leave his W when he talked about how bad his marriage was.
Shouldn't you love the person, not just how you feel around them? If you really think about it and separate the two, it becomes very clear. All the time I hear about women relating the things their partner does which really are not all that acceptable, but then they add.."I love him." Why?
I really love my boyfriend. I mean, I really, really love him. I love him for the person he is, the way he treats other people, his integrity, his honesty, and all the other qualities that make him who he is. I see now that it is so much deeper than I ever went with my XAP. I never got the chance with XAP to have a real relationship, so I put up with things I should never have..because I "loved" him.
Just something to think about. I wish everyone peace and the love of someone who really, truly puts them first!
ps. Don't take this the wrong way..I definitely don't have the answers! My life is not perfect. But I have been where many of you are, right now.


Snow..your distinction is so telling, and a good lesson for those still mired in affairs that will eventually crash and burn. It is so, well, wonderful, that you have found that real love is not something taken up in the moment, not something that you "fall into" and subsequently cross your fingers and hope for the best. It is something that starts with the same spark that an affair does. The difference? In a relationship where both partners are "free", each has the ability to see the whole picture, not just the physical chemistry. Affairs rely so, so much on that physical connection, and people are apt to disregard the "jolts" in personality differences that sane people would see as deal breakers.
I look back on my A and see I was in the same position that you were. I adored my XAP for the excitement and the passion she brought to my life. But her underlying circumstances, her abusive marital relationship, was not something I could have eventually overcome. I thought that "if we had the chance" we could have made something of our life. But that was a pipe dream, based on our physical connection, our two hours a week. If we had found a way clear to try and "make it" together, our differences in culture and past life experience would have made it nearly impossible for us to find true happiness together.
My A was a segue. Most are. Transitional. It was a way for me to move to the kind of intimate relationship I was really seeking. I have had bumps along the way. But I am now in a committed and extremely satisfying relationship that I know will take me through the rest of my life. I, like you, have found someone who really loves ME, the quirky, creative, sometimes moody individual that I am. But, God, doesn't it feel good to Finally get to the point where you are not just going through the motions, that you are actually enjoying just about every minute with this person, this Love of your Life? Been almost a year for me, and it just keeps getting better....
Keep your "real" relationship going, Snow....it is what life is all about.
Lazy:)
Hi Lazy :)
I'd like, with your persmission, to take your post over to EAS and add it to our "Insight and Wisdom" thread.
Snow, thanks for your post and your insight and wisdom. I know he's in an A with me but I consider that to be a bad choice about how to do something, not necessarily making him a bad person. That goes for me too, and all of us in A's.
I find your distinction far more telling of my M and my H's behaviour, which is not acceptable.
Pisces
Edited 11/23/2008 8:50 pm ET by pisces2008
Edited 11/12/2008 11:05 am ET by funkygonepunky
Snow, I think u hit it right on the head with me and my ap.
We dont actually love each other....we love what we do for each other and how we make each other feel.
I do beleive that he revived some feelings in me since I was goin thru this middle aged thing.
Thanks, Clarity. Feel free to share. And Happy Holidays to you as well.
Lazy:)
I've meant to mention your sailor kissing girl photograph.
Hey, it's Lazy!
Yes, yes, yes. To both you and Clarity. When I was in my A, it was all passionate and romantic and I thought he was my "soulmate" and all that..but in the end, he always went home. To his credit, he did not want to "hurt his family" but he was, wasn't he, by withdrawing his energy and fire from them to be with me?
I do feel like I learned an important lesson from the A. Never to ask for less than what I want. Never to share a man with another woman. Never to be invisible in a relationship.
I feel so blessed every day to be able to kiss my boyfriend in public, to hold his hand, to go to events with him, to be seen as a couple..and more importantly, to be able to do things for him, sleep all night with him.
But I feel like I had to go through the horribleness to really appreciate it. Not sure I would have otherwise. So I can't totally regret it.