Roll call!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Roll call!
14
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:35pm
I could really use some advice, and fast. Is anyone out there?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:38pm
I'm here, but don't know what kind of advice I can give you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:46pm
am here too... not sure what I can do though...

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My Affair Support
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"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

"Happiness is like a butterfly, if pursued it is always out of our reach. However if we sit quietly, it comes and rests gently on our shoulder"

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:29pm
Thanks guys. OK--here's the lowdown. I've posted here in the past, but it's been a while. Essentially, I'm M w/2 dds, he's M w/2 ds's, we live 10 blocks from each other, he was my college prof., and we've been in this hell--oops, I mean A--for about a year and a half. Anyway, here's the problem. Several days ago, I suggested that we meet for a picnic in a secluded spot, in contrast to our usual happy hour locations. Much to my surprise, he not only agreed, but said (via email, b/c that is our primary form of communication), that he would bring everything. So, yesterday we went for this unbelievably romantic rendezvous, complete with wine, fruit, etc. Everything was wonderful, and then the subject of my marriage came up. Not really a big deal--though my M has completely sucked until just recently, he has always claimed to have a "stable" one, so an improvement in mine should be a non-issue. Well, no sooner had I said that things at home were good, he blurts out, "don't you think that maybe we should end this?" Huh? We had just been passionately making out on a blanket, in the woods, under a cloudless blue sky, when he throws this out there. I said that that was not what I wanted, but if he did that was OK w/me. He tried to explain himself, but I never really got what he was talking about. Then last night I sent this email:

So, I’m sitting here, drinking (more) wine, trying to simultaneously decipher and articulate my feelings for you and your topic of conversation this afternoon, but somehow, I am completely bemused. Perhaps my uncertainty is due to my inability to determine the impetus driving your train of thought…are you really so magnanimous as to want to end things because of the risk that mounts exponentially with every good day I have with my husband, or is it more—is it you? You mentioned something about the fact that we no longer spend every minute of every day thinking of each other, and though I do agree with that assessment, I think for me, at least, that has materialized through the manifestation of some sort of defense mechanism. I said earlier that I didn’t like feeling as if I were chasing you, but honestly, there are a lot more things that factored into the “backing-off” equation. For one, I know you never quite got the whole “picture incident”, and to this day I’m not entirely sure that I understand it, but whatever it was, it scared the hell out of me. Looking back, I think that that day, I actually felt what it was like to be in your ‘real’ life. Frightening, indeed, but even moreso was the realization that I enjoyed it. From day one, I have said that we are what we are and nothing more. And though I have admitted to fantasizing about more, every time I expressed my thoughts or feelings, it seemed as if they just bounced off of you, like you were so intent on dissuading me that they never even made it beyond your force field. Then there was the accidental L-bomb email, and I do mean accidental. I honestly don’t know if I’m in love with you, or even if I know the definition of the term. What I do know is that I love being with you, talking to you, staring at you, and falling asleep thinking of you. I also know that I genuinely care about you. Maybe those are simply the components of a great friendship, but to borrow your term, I also feel “stuff” that doesn’t so easily fit into those categories. Ugghhh, this is so confusing. I guess the condensed version of what I’m trying to say is this: I feel like I’m stuck between scaring you off by telling you how I really feel about things and losing you because I don’t. Bottom line…I want you in my life for as long as you want to be in it. Thoughts?

To which he replied...

This is a toughie, and my mixed feelings and messages are the root of the problem. On the one hand, our feelings are not so different--I love being with you, talking with you, staring at you, and indulging, somewhat intermittently, in sexual fantasies with you. And there is no doubt that I genuinely care about you. I expect these feelings to last forever. Since this is the case, then there seems to a good reason to continue.

But isn't the whole point of an affair, or whatever this is, that we should be so passionate, so committed, so determined to have one that we should be willing to risk all kinds of crises and upheavals if we are caught? I know we did before, but do we still feel this way?


To top all of this off, he is leaving town the day after tomorrow (on my birthday), and I have no clue as to how to respond. Thanks for reading if anyone actually made it down this far, and I would greatly appreciate any advice anyone could offer.

--Nutso

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:38pm

Oh Nutso... I'm confused as you are hon... and that's not much help to you is it.


Sounds like you have accepted your EMA for what it is... and are happy in that place... I can certainly relate to that.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:05am
Actually, that's exactly what he said. He questioned whether or not *I* should take the risks, now that I have so much more to lose. Sounds nice, but I can't help but wonder if it's just an excuse. Plus, it really pisses me off having someone else attempt to make my decisions for me. I just don't get it. Why is he suddenly concerned with me risking my stable marriage, when he's jeopardized his from the start? Furthermore, he told me after just a few months into this A that he was no longer "as obsessed with me" as he once was, and then several months later he told me that I was not as big of a priority as I once was. Both times I tried to end it--this is suppposed to be fun after all--but he talked me out of it. What is so confusing, is that he said almost a year ago that I wasn't a priority, so why is he just now questioning the lack of passion/commitment/etc.? Oh--and I should also mention that shortly after we came to whatever resolution yesterday, we had amazing, unbelievably passionate sex, so passion is obviously not the issue. I really, really like (or maybe love) this guy, but his ambivalence is making me crazy. Does it sound as though he is just playing games, or do you think he is genuinely conflicted?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:33am

hmmmm... maybe he is conflicted by it all.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:45pm
Sweet--thanks for your take on the situation. I thought I would feel better about things today, but I'm still just as confused and angry. I haven't replied to his last email yet, so if anyone else out there could offer any advice, I would love to hear it. TIA!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 1:59pm
hey mom, sounds to me like your MM is missing the initial excitement and romance of the A now that it's settled down to a steady pattern. MM probably has a steady M and wants the passion, excitement, all the things he's mentioned in his response and doesn't see the point of continuing your A if he isn't experiencing those feelings.

i'm sorry to say this, but i feel MM is looking past you now toward finding someone he can experience the highs of a new A with. you're more into this A than MM is. i feel MM is warning you that he ready to move on. be careful with your heart honey. i think MM is getting ready to bolt!

think about how far you want to go with someone who isn't into YOU, just the IDEA of passion! make your response accordingly!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 2:02pm
oh and by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: notsosinglemom
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 2:09pm
Thanks for the advice gurl; you may very well be right. Here is what I am about to send him...

First off, I can't tell you how WE feel, though I would guess by your decision to even ask that question, that our individual feelings are vastly different.

Secondly, and in answer to your first question, NO! Clearly, our definitions and/or expectations of what this relationship is/was about are also vastly different. The whole point of *this* affair is not wreckless debauchery; for me at least, it is all of the things you listed prior to that ridiculous inquisition. It is because of those things that *I* take the risks I do. As I have said on innumerable occasions in the past, infinite infatuation is nonexistent--even in an affair. So, although *I* remain passionate, committed, and determined (albeit in apparent solitude), to me these are resultant rather than defining properties of this relationship.

So, what do you think? Any ideas on a good ending?

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