The Roller Coaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
The Roller Coaster
48
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:09am
I've heard people refer to an A as a roller coaster more than once these last few weeks. That has been true today more than any other day in my life.

This morning I was taking the OW to work, and I was pretty happy about it. I really like seeing her in the morning, it's a really nice way to start my day.

As the day wore on I realized how much of my time is going into maintaining that EMA. I babysat last night while she was at a meeting, tonight I'm taking her to the airport, tomorrow I'm probably watching the munchkin for a little while... and I'm not complaining, it's just an observation.

I also started realizing that there are certain things (like music equipment) that I just can't put to use in the new apartment. I got suddenly a little shallow and whining about not getting to play with my toys. Then I started thinking about how much my life is about to change, and I just generally started freaking out -- something I simply don't do. I started feeling guilty again about the W being nice to me and reading replies to my "leopards and spots" post started wondering... what if she can actually change this time? What if finally after ten years of being lower on the priority list than I wanted she manages to move me up close to the top?

To make a day-long story short, I bounced back and forth a few times this afternoon and was able to generally work myself into a respectable frenzy. Before the day was over, I was angry with everyone involved -- myself, my W, my OW -- all of us.

I had to take my OW to the airport tonight. It's an hour drive. Most of the way there it was stressful and tense as she sulked a little over not being involved in something I'm doing this weekend. But at some point I just started talking and telling her all the things I worried about with us and how much I was going through, and she was (as she usually is) more understanding. I think maybe she pushes a little until I start to push back some, then she is quick to stop and be reasonable. That's something I really like about her -- she doesn't fear conflict but she won't pick a fight either. Quick to love, slow to fight. Nice qualities in a mate.

By the time I dropped her off I was just completely overwhelmed with her again. She's just such an amazing person that I want to be around all of the time. Then I came home to the W who is sugary sweet and almost pretending I'm not moving out. It's all just freaking me out to be perfectly honest.

I guess I just needed to vent a little, cuz my chest hurts and my head hurts and I have a sense that I'm slightly paralyzed by fear despite my efforts this week. Don't really know that I'm looking for any advice, but feel free to chime in if you like. I certainly do it to everyone else here enough...

;)

rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:01am


Stick to your guns Rain. Even if you did decide to reconcile with your W, I wouldn't do it until you have had some space and time to let the high emotions of all of this pass. I think often times it is nice to take a trip alone without anyone and give your self some time to think and be out of the storm so to speak, it can provide a fresh new perspective. We are all behind you. BTW, Your post are fun to read, I like your sense of humor...LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 7:37am
Rain, my dear, only you can decide if you believe in your wife's ability to change. You say that for 10 years you haven't been a priority...well do you really think this time is different?

I'm not there, so I'm not telling you what to do. But if in the past you've told her, you've tried, and done what you could, and it still didn't work, then don't beat a dead horse.

You are an intelligent, witty, funny and sweet man. And you know what course of action you need to take. I truly believe that you should move out. Even if your wife and you do decide to reconcile after a while, at least you know that's a decision you made after much thought and preparation.

However, I know you love spending time with OW. God, who could blame you...but don't wrap yourself too much around her. Not until you've really decided what you want. If OW is it, and after you move out on your own, and you realized your W isn't what you want/need/love, and OW is...go for it. But I really think you need time to yourself. Find out who Rain is, and what Rain really wants. You are an exceptional man, I know whatever you do, it will be right.

Side note: y'all have to excuse me, but the men on our board are the absolute best. The ones on the top of my head are rain, omaha and boston. Not that there aren't others, but these three have really been invaluable to me in my marital decisions...I love you all!! Thanks for the male perspective!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:43am
I know how you feel raining, believe me. I am putting a deposit down to reserve my apartment today. My W went through the cycle where she tried pretending like nothing was wrong to get me to stay. At this point though, she has accepted that I'm leaving and has gone the other way. She is more distant than ever. In some ways it makes it easier, but I do have two children to consider so I just want to keep things pleasant between us as much as possible.

I agree with the two earlier replies that you need to go ahead with your plans and move out. The time to yourself will do you good. Hopefully you will gain some clarity on what it is you want. I would be careful either way. Your W may be able to change her behavior somewhat, but what she is doing now isn't likely to last. It is a temporary reaction out of fear. Once she is comfortable that she has you again, I believe she will fall back into old patterns. The only way for that not to happen would be for her to want to change for herself. If she doesn't see that and only wants to change to hold on to you, I don't think it will happen.

As far as the OW goes, she sounds like a great person who has gone through some terrible experiences. She does come with some baggage, but who among us doesn't? I would move forward with her slowly and discretely. You don't want your W thinking you left her and dove right into this R. But by all means, continue to let your OW know how you feel. She sounds very understanding and as you well know, that is an outstanding quality.

Good luck and be strong. I know you have it in you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:54am
hey rain,

you mentioned you were a leo, i had a few observations about them since i am married to one and gotten some from somewhere else..i thought i would share..they are funny...when i started chatting online last year i was curious to see what relationship astrology had with the married guys who were online....results....the number of leos was the highest followed by geminis (me)that I met online...or maybe those are the ones that IMed me ....or I IMed them....interestingly ALL the leos said they were deeply in love with their wives and if ONLY their wife would give them more sex at home..they wouldn't be online looking for it...they were the only group who would say nothing bad about their wife, say they loved them dearly and STILL look for sex thinking that what the wife doesn't know doesn't hurt them....this perspective interestingly of loving wife and looking for sex was just shared by leos....AND ALL of them WOULD NOT ask their wife for it...they would just suggest it...and if the wife didn't take a hint...these leos wouldn't press the issue (I guess leos generally are nice gentle people and don't like confrontations) ....anyway this online leo business got me thinking...so i thought about Clinton, Schwarznagger, Ben affleck (when he cheated on Jlo in a bar) ...the famous leos...they all professed to deeply care about their loved ones but it was their high sex drive that made them stray but they still loved their wife....thats food for thought for you....another point that I note is its VERY easy to keep a leo happy....you said love and affirmation...I add sex and good food to it...and these leos will be purry little kittens....the only problem i find with leos is that they need a lot of love but may not show it a lot to their spouse and may many times be quite oblivious to their needs. .Not meaning they don't care....they do a lot about the people they love...but fail to show it. They may show this oblivious nature at their work too because they are soooooooo nice and trusting of everybody that many times they could be taken advantage of in the sense that people stealing their credit...anyway now i know you are a leo...i think its quite easy for your wife to make you happy....tell her this...SEX, SEX, SEX, appreciation about how great you are, love and food.....you will NEVER stray. And please (unlike the online leos) do get confrontational about it when it gets to sex. Leos equate sex to love.

:-)

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:09am
Philly, I have generally kept quiet regarding your comments even though I must admit I don't read half of them.

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU KNOW RAINS SITUATION ENOUGH TO TELL HIM IT'S JUST SEX AND NOT LOVE HE FEELS FOR OW!! The audacity of that statement is unbelieveable. If you have been following RAIN at all you would have read that he had concerns about how much his wife loved HIM, and how she didn't make time or give any effort for HIM!

I honestly don't know where you get your ideas...and yes, I know where the ignore button is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:27am
You sound normal for the person who is in the situation you are in right now. You have two worlds colliding - your past and present- not a fun place to be. That is why its better to finish up one before you start another. Since nothing in this world is perfect and the whole expereince is not killing you just upsetting, its really OK. Use this board as a sounding board, vent all you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:46am
"DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU KNOW RAINS SITUATION ENOUGH TO TELL HIM IT'S JUST SEX AND NOT LOVE HE FEELS FOR OW!!"

Did I tell him anywhere straightly out that "HE" feels sex and not love for OW? I guess you have the answer to it yourself when you say you don't read half the post but still manage to post an opinion to it.

Secondly question to anybody else who would blurt out as bad kitty? Does everybody know rain and his wife well enough to suggest that she won't change or does anybody know OW well enough to suggest that rain should consider her more than W but people here still suggest that with much conviction and I don't lambast anybody for it but manage to post an opinion on why or why not.


Again I would suggest that you stick to whats in the post and not attacking me since that just appears childish.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:00am
Rain,

All I can say is if I had a chance to take time for myself right now I would jump to it.

I think the problem with my head right now is I am talking to my OM for an hour driving home every night and then walk thru the door to my H. I have no time to think about anything. Take this time and really see what you are looking for..who knows.. You may even surprise yourself!! We all know being in an A is not easy.. But having the time for yourself is something you should take advantage of.. once again.. good luck!!

cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:04am
Actually, Rain, you have 3 worlds colliding. Don't forget Future! This is my absolutely most sincere best advice. It is past time for you to have a screaming-meamy, throwing things, stomping your feet, railing against the world nervous breakdown. You know the kind... they leave you breathless and purged and panting and red in the face (like sex only shorter and not as much fun). Truly -- you owe it to yourself. I've found just a short little psychotic episode can be so refreshing... Really, though... hang in there. You're doing just great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:10am
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Edited 4/27/2004 10:21 am ET ET by julietsfate

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