The Roller Coaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
The Roller Coaster
48
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:09am
I've heard people refer to an A as a roller coaster more than once these last few weeks. That has been true today more than any other day in my life.

This morning I was taking the OW to work, and I was pretty happy about it. I really like seeing her in the morning, it's a really nice way to start my day.

As the day wore on I realized how much of my time is going into maintaining that EMA. I babysat last night while she was at a meeting, tonight I'm taking her to the airport, tomorrow I'm probably watching the munchkin for a little while... and I'm not complaining, it's just an observation.

I also started realizing that there are certain things (like music equipment) that I just can't put to use in the new apartment. I got suddenly a little shallow and whining about not getting to play with my toys. Then I started thinking about how much my life is about to change, and I just generally started freaking out -- something I simply don't do. I started feeling guilty again about the W being nice to me and reading replies to my "leopards and spots" post started wondering... what if she can actually change this time? What if finally after ten years of being lower on the priority list than I wanted she manages to move me up close to the top?

To make a day-long story short, I bounced back and forth a few times this afternoon and was able to generally work myself into a respectable frenzy. Before the day was over, I was angry with everyone involved -- myself, my W, my OW -- all of us.

I had to take my OW to the airport tonight. It's an hour drive. Most of the way there it was stressful and tense as she sulked a little over not being involved in something I'm doing this weekend. But at some point I just started talking and telling her all the things I worried about with us and how much I was going through, and she was (as she usually is) more understanding. I think maybe she pushes a little until I start to push back some, then she is quick to stop and be reasonable. That's something I really like about her -- she doesn't fear conflict but she won't pick a fight either. Quick to love, slow to fight. Nice qualities in a mate.

By the time I dropped her off I was just completely overwhelmed with her again. She's just such an amazing person that I want to be around all of the time. Then I came home to the W who is sugary sweet and almost pretending I'm not moving out. It's all just freaking me out to be perfectly honest.

I guess I just needed to vent a little, cuz my chest hurts and my head hurts and I have a sense that I'm slightly paralyzed by fear despite my efforts this week. Don't really know that I'm looking for any advice, but feel free to chime in if you like. I certainly do it to everyone else here enough...

;)

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:14am
Philly, you've done it again. You've typed something out that I'm sure was meant as light-hearted but that came across as condescending and ridiculously heavy on stereotype. Astrology is the biggest load of crap on this planet. It is clearly intended only for entertainment purposes. If you're going to judge people based on this, you might as well call the psychic hotline and see if your marriage will work out.

You say you're not specifically saying anything about raining in this post, but if that is true, why do you end with, "anyway now i know you are a leo...i think its quite easy for your wife to make you happy....tell her this...SEX, SEX, SEX, appreciation about how great you are, love and food.....you will NEVER stray. And please (unlike the online leos) do get confrontational about it when it gets to sex. Leos equate sex to love." ??

That has to rank as the WORST piece of advice I've seen on this board. Raining is clearly a man with a lot of emotional depth and intelligence and to suggest if his wife had sex with him more it would make him happy is laughable. Most men aren't as shallow as you seem to think we are raining. Sure, there are the stereotypical cavemen walking around dragging their knuckles, but they're not on this board, I assure you.

One more thing, I noticed you said your husband is a Leo. I think this is once again a case of you projecting your own situation on to others. That is fine if you are offering advice that is helpful to his situation. But raining is clearly past the point where he can expect having more sex with his wife to cure his relationship problems. Get real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:23am
Hmm. Well, I'm sitting here weighing out how much information is too much information. Apologies to the shy and sexually inhibited; I'll try to keep it at least PG13.

To PG... yes, I'm a Leo. Actually, I'm sort of the proto-Leo from everything I've every read. I never put much thought into astrology until 2 years ago when I read the Leo archetype and realized it was describing me almost exactly. I have a lion tattoo now, I have lions all over the place, and as my OW has pointed out, I can act like a big, lazy, happy lion until someone messes with someone I love and then I pretty much roar. LOL.

And as an astrological side note, my W is a Virgo. That's kryptonite to Leos.

I'll try to share a little insight to where the middle ground is here between PG and Bad Kitty's posts (and thanks to Bad Kitty for jumping to my aid... I feel all warm and fuzzy now.)

I have been confrontational with my W about sex. We were friends before she dated, good friends, who talked about the people we dated. She was totally aware of my sexuality and how I'm wired. She was even aware that I had been somewhat... involved... mostly in sensual relationships that had some BDSM element since I was 17. I tied her up the first time we got drunk and naked. So we dated and sex was good... to be honest and not arrogant, a little hotter than her usual experience, and about average for me. Still, pretty good.

Over time I don't lose interest in having sex with a partner, I increase interest as I get to know her body. I just like making my lover feel good, so the better I'm able to do it, the more I want to. It was that way with my W. But over time she gained a little weight and lost self confidence. I really didn't care at all, a few pounds is not going to back me off or make me look elsewhere. Icing me when I try to put my arms around you because you're uncomfortable with the newest five or ten pounds... very bad decision.

The situation is somewhere in the middle of what you two girls have mentioned. I did tell my W that I need and require sex and closeness. I told her when we started dating and after about four years it was really going missing. I told her when we got back together and decided to get married how important it is. I was pretty pointed about it at that time because I was seeing another woman with whom I had a purely sexual relationship. I didn't really want to give up "great sex often" to settle down with "good sex once in a while." The stbW lost some weight and got all sex driven again, and things were fantastic. She realized she almost lost me (and honestly, not just because of sex) and wanted to make it work.

After less than a year of being married it was back to the same. Me begging for sex, her not appreciating me. One or the other might have been ok, but I just can't deal with both. Later I found out that she was leading an active self-delivered sex life and that I wasn't being invited to these sessions because she just didn't really want to have to deal with: (a) the issue of weight regained; and (b) my tendency to like long sexual adventures, the whole evening building up and enjoying if possible and she just didn't want to invest that much time -- she was too busy. She just wanted to get off and watch the Soap Channel.

All of this is not to say my relationship with the OW is purely sexual. To be just far too honest, we did meet online on a similar message board to this one talking about BDSM and new people exploring their interests and asking questions. I replied to her and we became friends. At 2000 miles away, an A was the *last* thing I wanted. I specifically avoided people geographically close to me for that reason.

But the more I got to know her, the less we discussed things sexual. We became very close with hardly any discussion of the physical. She is, by almost any account I could give, the perfect mate for me. Not perfect, but perfect for me. She is kind, compassionate, and decent when life might have made her bitter. I just like being around her. And she's a sex fiend.

So that's how I got to this point. Yes, I think I'm very easy to maintain. I am almost always exactly what I seem, I counter the frequent Leo aspect of becoming too self-centered by really being focused on my lover and making her life better, and I can cook pretty good so the food thing isn't an issue. I just don't like to beg because it makes me feel submissive, something I do not enjoy.

Back at getting married, some things would have been solved with more sex. I would have felt closer to her, felt like she counted being in my arms as a good thing, and everything else would have seemed a little less important. Actually, I suppose that is more about intimacy than sex. But now she's trying to hook me back in with promises of sex, and that just isn't going to fix it. The lack of sex isn't the cause, it's a symptom of an underlying problem: time with me and closeness to me has not been her focus.

Well, now that you all know more about me than my therapist, I think I'll get back to work.

rain


Edited 4/1/2004 11:34 am ET ET by raining_confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:38am
oh, my you are a wild thing!! I take back whatever I said to Sister. Whew!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:32am
well, juliet.... you take it *back* ? LOL. If I were the kind to be slighted easily I'd pout... :(

I may in fact be a "wild thing." But really, these are all just outlets for my passionate nature. I got into Shakespeare because there's nothing in human nature that the Bard didn't write brilliantly about. I'm a performing musician (I have a show this weekend.)I take care of the OW's child because she is a great kid I like being around (and I love her mother.) I care about the people in my life, and some of them probably too much.

My wild sexual side is really fortunate. I dated someone at 17 who was very open, curious and experimental so I learned young that there is nothing wrong with anything if two (or more) consenting adults (or near adults, at 17) agree to it. It has allowed me to be pretty uninhibited in my passions, physical and otherwise.

It's hard to share things with lots of people. First, they dont' want or need to know. And second, there are lots of things (like BDSM) that carry very distinct images and connotations that allow for some sterotypes. This isn't really the forum for me to try to dispel those, but if you're interested, I'll point you to some. ;)

Anywho... just made me laugh to read your post. I really wrestled with revealing some of those things, but what the hey... it's not like I work with you and you will avoid me in the hall now... lol

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:41am
Bad Kitty - kudos to your words on the men on this site. Omaha and Rain..your words have been a calming inspiration to me, and I'm even new here.

Rain, go with your feelings. You should take this time apart. I wish my separation had gone this way. Separation to my H means he still calls multiple times a day and comes home to 'surprise' me. That isn't giving me time to get things straight in my head. You need this time. You need to work on YOU and if the OW happens to still be there then you just got icing on the cake. But, don't let the actions of your W stop you now. "Too Little Too Late" is the phrase that is in my head constantly now. I do believe honestly that my H realizes his mistakes in how he treated me. But, now he is trying too hard to make up for it and it just angers me more. I don't understand why it took me threatening to leave and nine years of relationship to have him wise up. That is why I am cynical that he is 'really' changing. Not that your W is the same - she might be the reformed. But, her sugar coating now is only because she is realizing what she threw away (or almost did). You always want something more when you can't have it - its that simple. With fatty foods on a diet, with smokes when you are trying to quit, and with love when you are losing the one you never really appreciated. Be strong, and keep us posted. I love to read your posts because you are the male counterpart in the situation that I am living. You fuel my confidence...please let us here on the boards do the same for you. RM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:41am
Hmmm rain, considering I'm a sagitarrius and so was my xMM, I find this all very interesting, because we are also very sensual, passionate with tendencies towards the BDSM - very exciting.

Anway, I just wanted to offer some input on the "my tendency to like long sexual adventures, the whole evening building up and enjoying if possible"...

I want to plug my favourite book right now "Soul Sex - Tantra for Two". I'm sure that you and your OW would love it. Based on your posts, and what I'm getting about your personality, Tantra may be something you would like to explore - if you haven't already.

Oh, and I hope your roller coaster slows down soon - those hills can be a killer.

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:44am
Thanks for your offer, Rain. I am not really not BSDM, infarct had to do a internet search to figure out what it was... LOL I do enjoy sex as much as the next person, but not into fetishes and such. For me sex comes with love and if there is no love, there is no sex. Pretty straightforward, if you ask. Thanks for making me feel like a outsider, Rain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:28pm
Well isn't THIS an interesting thread! LOL!!!!! I'm with you juliet - for me love and sex go together (not that I'm not interested in the "wild side" as well ;o) ). A large part of my struggle with H is that he doesn't make me a priority in his life. He spends very little time with me. But he still expects me to want to have passionate sex with him when he is around. Don't get me wrong - our sex life isn't bad. But without some real quality attention and affection from him, the sex just doesn't mean much to me. With everything that has happened recently (the discovery of the A) I've had a better forum to try to explain this to him. He swears he's going to make me a priority in his life. However, I have yet to seen any indication of this. It goes back to the leopard changing its spots. I just don't know if he can/will.

Anyway, thanks for letting me jump in!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:15pm
hmmmm.... sagitarrius...

That's what the OW is. If one takes astrology to heart, Sagitarrius and Leo are meant for each other. Oddly enough, the other two really happy, strong relationships with women in my life were with Sagitarrius also, though I didn't know it at the time. They were women I was extremely compatible with, just too young for them to last.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:19pm
Rain,

It has been kind of hectic today to post replies to some posters here but now after reading your reply...I feel happy....I don't have to do that...pheeeewww :)

I rest my case :)

PG