The Roller Coaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
The Roller Coaster
48
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:09am
I've heard people refer to an A as a roller coaster more than once these last few weeks. That has been true today more than any other day in my life.

This morning I was taking the OW to work, and I was pretty happy about it. I really like seeing her in the morning, it's a really nice way to start my day.

As the day wore on I realized how much of my time is going into maintaining that EMA. I babysat last night while she was at a meeting, tonight I'm taking her to the airport, tomorrow I'm probably watching the munchkin for a little while... and I'm not complaining, it's just an observation.

I also started realizing that there are certain things (like music equipment) that I just can't put to use in the new apartment. I got suddenly a little shallow and whining about not getting to play with my toys. Then I started thinking about how much my life is about to change, and I just generally started freaking out -- something I simply don't do. I started feeling guilty again about the W being nice to me and reading replies to my "leopards and spots" post started wondering... what if she can actually change this time? What if finally after ten years of being lower on the priority list than I wanted she manages to move me up close to the top?

To make a day-long story short, I bounced back and forth a few times this afternoon and was able to generally work myself into a respectable frenzy. Before the day was over, I was angry with everyone involved -- myself, my W, my OW -- all of us.

I had to take my OW to the airport tonight. It's an hour drive. Most of the way there it was stressful and tense as she sulked a little over not being involved in something I'm doing this weekend. But at some point I just started talking and telling her all the things I worried about with us and how much I was going through, and she was (as she usually is) more understanding. I think maybe she pushes a little until I start to push back some, then she is quick to stop and be reasonable. That's something I really like about her -- she doesn't fear conflict but she won't pick a fight either. Quick to love, slow to fight. Nice qualities in a mate.

By the time I dropped her off I was just completely overwhelmed with her again. She's just such an amazing person that I want to be around all of the time. Then I came home to the W who is sugary sweet and almost pretending I'm not moving out. It's all just freaking me out to be perfectly honest.

I guess I just needed to vent a little, cuz my chest hurts and my head hurts and I have a sense that I'm slightly paralyzed by fear despite my efforts this week. Don't really know that I'm looking for any advice, but feel free to chime in if you like. I certainly do it to everyone else here enough...

;)

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:28pm
WTH??? Your A got its blessings from Philly herself. Carry on....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:33pm
pleasure before taking clothes off... lol... funny, boys my age look at me so strange when I say something like that...

I tell them it's that they're insecure because my sexual organ is obviously bigger.


(pause)




Naturally, I'm talking about my brain. If you were thinking anything else... shame on you, shallow, superficial horn dogs.

And hats off to Juliet for making me have a little 'foolish' guilt all through lunch. That's two times I've been fooled today... LOL. I gotta go fool some people...


rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:35pm
LMAO. Yeah, philly gave me a little love. Then again, married to a Leo... she knows:

sex, affirmation and good portion sizes at dinner.

Geography being what it is, I suppose I'm only eligible for affirmation.

;)



rain

(as always, tongue firmly in cheek)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:37pm
"sex, affirmation and good portion sizes at dinner."

oh, lord, now you sound like my H. Yikes!!!

*BIG GRIN*


Edited 4/1/2004 3:38 pm ET ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:40pm
Thank you - fun link!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:04pm
Okay, I have to admit I'm a little surprised at all the love astrology is getting on here. I mean let's face it, it's closest relative is probably palm-reading. I mean it can be fun to look for your personality characteristics in the astrological sign you fall under, but they make those things so vague and positive that just about anyone could fit any profile. I'm sorry, but I see that as nothing but entertainment. But if you find it entertaining, then by all means enjoy it. Who am I to argue with that? Just please don't tell me that you are who you are based on astrology.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:10pm
Heck, I don't even know what sign I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:11pm
I agree. My H & I are very compatible according to this link, but look where were are now? All I can say is, bah humbug!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:57pm
I am a Sagittarius!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:35pm
Hi Rain,

I haven't read your leopards & spots post, but from what you've written in this one I can imagine the gist of it.

This cat thought she would/could/wanted to change her spots when xH said D - but to be honest I would not have stuck with it...because it just wasn't me. Who he wanted me to be wasn't me - our values and what we placed importance on just weren't the same. Not to say that's the case with your W though; after all, some couples who've been to counselling work through the stuff and end up happy together.

What are your values, and what are W's? Or, for that matter what are OW's? Where do you see yourself in a year, five years, ten years from now? Should you be basing your decision on what W wants, what OW wants, or what you want? What if you didn't have either R...now where do you see yourself in a year, or ten years from now?

You know, I look back and think on how much I've missed out on because of fear. Yes, I probably would have experienced more pain...but I certainly would have experienced more joy. What is your fear for - for what you may miss with W if you move out, or what you may miss with OW if you don't, or what you may miss out on in life? Whatever you decide you want, go for it - the *thought* of doing it is worse than the actual action.

And so what if it doesn't go according to plan (though I love it when a plan comes together, lol) - this is how we learn and grow and Live. There is always tomorrow - well, and if there isn't a tomorrow (knock on wood), at least you will have lived your life to the fullest.

Don't forget to dance naked ;-)

Meow