The Roller Coaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
The Roller Coaster
48
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:09am
I've heard people refer to an A as a roller coaster more than once these last few weeks. That has been true today more than any other day in my life.

This morning I was taking the OW to work, and I was pretty happy about it. I really like seeing her in the morning, it's a really nice way to start my day.

As the day wore on I realized how much of my time is going into maintaining that EMA. I babysat last night while she was at a meeting, tonight I'm taking her to the airport, tomorrow I'm probably watching the munchkin for a little while... and I'm not complaining, it's just an observation.

I also started realizing that there are certain things (like music equipment) that I just can't put to use in the new apartment. I got suddenly a little shallow and whining about not getting to play with my toys. Then I started thinking about how much my life is about to change, and I just generally started freaking out -- something I simply don't do. I started feeling guilty again about the W being nice to me and reading replies to my "leopards and spots" post started wondering... what if she can actually change this time? What if finally after ten years of being lower on the priority list than I wanted she manages to move me up close to the top?

To make a day-long story short, I bounced back and forth a few times this afternoon and was able to generally work myself into a respectable frenzy. Before the day was over, I was angry with everyone involved -- myself, my W, my OW -- all of us.

I had to take my OW to the airport tonight. It's an hour drive. Most of the way there it was stressful and tense as she sulked a little over not being involved in something I'm doing this weekend. But at some point I just started talking and telling her all the things I worried about with us and how much I was going through, and she was (as she usually is) more understanding. I think maybe she pushes a little until I start to push back some, then she is quick to stop and be reasonable. That's something I really like about her -- she doesn't fear conflict but she won't pick a fight either. Quick to love, slow to fight. Nice qualities in a mate.

By the time I dropped her off I was just completely overwhelmed with her again. She's just such an amazing person that I want to be around all of the time. Then I came home to the W who is sugary sweet and almost pretending I'm not moving out. It's all just freaking me out to be perfectly honest.

I guess I just needed to vent a little, cuz my chest hurts and my head hurts and I have a sense that I'm slightly paralyzed by fear despite my efforts this week. Don't really know that I'm looking for any advice, but feel free to chime in if you like. I certainly do it to everyone else here enough...

;)

rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:52am
send me your birthdate and I will send your sign!! (via email if you wish) Don't need your year, we all know how old you are, hee hee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:59am
My birthday is Valentine's Day. How ironic is this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:11am
My crytsal ball says you are an Aquarius.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:21am
OK. What sign is January 18, then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:24am
Capricorn. is that mw's??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:29am
Yep. Thanks, hon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:31am
Another brilliant post. Bravo Meow.

Values and long term goals are things we overlook way too often. I know in my situation it was what I overlooked when looking at my M. When I took a step back and really looked at the situation, I realized the reason we didn't communicate is because we had a completely different perception of the world. Our values are very different. And I couldn't look at her and see myself with her in the future. That was the breaking point for me. And when I feel weak, I go back to that and know that I'm doing the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:40pm
a brillant thread, made me laugh, think, tear up and be intrigued! kuddos all around!!

life

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