Rollercoaster ride continues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Rollercoaster ride continues
16
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 7:24am
Haven't been on here for awhile. Took a little hiatus trying to maintain an affair and a marriage..not an easy task. Quick recap: I'm a married woman involved with a married man off and on for a year now. Without going into all the past details, he left his marriage, again, because he is not happy and although he cares for his wife and it kills him to hurt her, he's not in love with her. The last few times he left her to be with me, we both did it impulsively, with no planning and we were together. That always ended with him going back because he couldn't handle the guilt trips and threats his wife and adult daughter would throw at him. The last time being back in August and when he went back, I told myself that was it...I'm done, I'm tired of him not having a backbone and standing up for how he feels and wants, so, although we work together, I did not speak to him nor did I even look at him for 3 months. The beginning of December, he left me a note wanting to talk and I had a lot of crap I wanted to get off my chest, so I did and he admitted to me that it killed him to have to see me everyday and not be able to talk to me, it killed him when I would walk right by him and not even acknowledge him, he said he was still so in love with me and was so miserable and unhappy at home...blah, blah, okay, forward to last Friday...he moved out, he even had the help and support of his father and aunt. I told him that this time, we were doing it MY way...I was not leaving anything in my life, my home, my marriage, until he proved to me by getting a divorce, that he wanted to be with me. I told him that his marriage had to be over before we could be together as a couple. He said it would be so hard to do it that way because he would miss me so bad at night and on the weekends, but he would to prove his love for me. That weekend was a rough one...he constantly texted me, wanted me to just come be with him, he would be there for me no matter what, he was not going to go back, his wife told his aunt that she knew it was over and didn't want him back....forward to Wednesday night...Wednesday we kind of argued because he was telling me that he talked to his daughter and was arguing with her about supposed "rumors" her mother was hearing about the two of us and in other words, was trying to dispell them and told his daughter that yeah, I was someone he liked and had strong feelings for and that somehow, struck a raw nerve with me..I told him, why would you say that if you were going to be honest about things? Why are you wanting them to think they are rumors and I'm just someone you LIKE?
He got upset and said that it's not something that was really his daughters business and he didn't feel like he had to go into detail about something that he should talk to about his wife in person ( she supposedly wouldn't answer his calls or talk to him) and I was twisting things around and getting upset over nothing....well, after work, he went to the bar with some friends and texted me a few times saying he loved me over and over again, then later that night, the texts stopped and he wouldn't answer mine. Yesterday morning, he texted me and said that his aunt way out in the western part of the state had died and he was headed out there for a few days. I asked if I could call him and he said he wasn't alone...I said, Oh, I figured that...are you two back together, and he said no, but she was going along and he would get together with me when he got back....and I haven't heard from him since...I'm an emotional wreck. My head is saying, you SOB, I knew you couldn't do it you lying bastard, but my heart is giving him the benefit of the doubt and I want so bad to text him and ask if he his doing alright and tell him I miss and love him.....wow...long vent...I have no one else to talk to about this, so I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and respond...thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 8:41am

i'm sorry, i don't mean to sound harsh or mean..but aren't you married? what about your relationship with your h? (just wondering because you didn't mention it) your post sounds one sided....i don't know though, i may have missed that you left your H..but i don't think i read that in there...if you are still with your h, you cannot expect him to completely leave his W...not fair...see the relationship started out with both of you having SOs, so that set the precedent for the relationship...or were you planning on and moving forward with divorcing or leaving your so? just trying to be objective here....


i was in an A, or still emotionally connected or whatever to XAP...so

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 9:46am
Oh, this has been such a drawn out, complicated relationship. Yes, I did leave my marriage, 4 times before for MM as he left his and part of the problem was that we always did it impulsively with no real plans, but he was the one who always bailed out on me when he couldn't handle the guilt. The first couple times, he went back because he knew in his heart that he hadn't given her or the marriage a real chance, meaning, going to counseling and doing things together, which they did. He said that even after counseling and trying to do everything they were supposed to do together, he knew in his heart that he was not in love with her, did not feel the kind of love for her that he should and knew that deep down she wasn't that happy either, although she has been desperately doing everything to keep him happy. I also went to marriage counseling and was honest with my husband that I did love him, but was not in love with him and had felt that way before MM had ever come along. The last time MM left his marriage, his daughter was going through a medical crisis and although he felt at the time that things were going well and he assured he would still be around to help, that was all thrown in his face also and made him feel like a real sh*t for leaving, so once again, we went back to our spouses. My husband is a good man and no, he doesn't deserve the betrayal, but I know in my heart, that even after 3 months of no contact with MM, I was still in love with him and when he came to me and revealed his feelings, I felt that this time was different. The last times we ended up together, I will admit, it was because of MY initiating things, this time, he came to me. He's being alone in the apt he moved into, did worry me, and I told him that, that I was afraid he couldn't handle being alone and he would doubt me and go back and he told me that yes, it was very hard for him because he loves me so much it hurts, that he knew he was the one who messed up and it was his fault that we weren't already divorced from our spouses and with each other and he was going to do whatever it took to prove that to me, including getting his divorce and waiting for it to be final before we could be together. But now, like I said, we kind of argued during the day Wednesday about misunderstanding each other's texts and about what he had told his daughter, but after work, he was just fine, asked me to stop in and have a drink with him, which I did, but had to leave shortly after I got there...he texted me several times saying he loved me, but later on in the evening, never responded to me and then texted me yesterday morning he was going out of town because one of his aunts died and that she was going with him ( they've been married for 21 years and she is close to that side of his family) and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's doubting me and is scared, but he KNOWS that I have never bailed on him, it was always him on me and that I need things to be done this way to protect myself, meaning, I'm not going to risk losing everything I've worked for AGAIN, by risking my marriage for a man I can't trust to go any further than moving out of his house. I would end my marriage in a minute for him but I have to know that he is completely over her and their marriage and that means filing and going through with a divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:21am

but, gabby that's what i don't understand...???? confused because if you want to leave your husband than leave him..but, not for another man...do it because you want to leave...without anyone else involved....if you are no longer in love with him..why stay? you may only start to resent your H and end up leaving or living a miserable existence with him...AP isn't the source of your issues, your issues with H have nothing to do with your A, this is as far as i'm reading what you say...your issues with H are issues that are there because you no longer are in love with him...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:52am
Sorry, I guess I'm not being very clear about my marriage. No, I'm not blaming AP for how I feel in my marriage. I simply am not IN love with my H. I do love him, care for him, but I'm no longer sexually attracted to him nor do I have passion for him. I wish to God that I could get those feelings back for him, but I've tried, like I said, even stepping back from AP for months, but I'm so torn between being IN love with AP and having that passion for him, but yet, knowing that my H is a better man. He is gentle, caring, kind, would never cheat on me, doesn't drink, doesn't have a temper, a good worker. We are not rich, by any means, and if anything, struggling in a tight economy like so many others, but we have a nice home, nice vehicles and are living comfortably. I guess that's where I'm torn. I'm COMFORTABLE here with him, we enjoy doing things together, we don't fight, but I just don't have the feelings for him I should, and he knows this. He knows I'm not into the sex and that I'm distant. He doesnt trust me, which is understandable and basically, yes, I don't deserve him. I guess the way I feel is, if I can't have it ALL, meaning the passion and being IN love, I need to have at least something....you know? I love AP, but I know how flighty he is, he tends to drink in order to deal with issues he doesn't want to deal with ie...he says thats why he frequents the neighborhood pub almost everyday after work ( and at home) was to get numb when having to deal with her and knowing full well, when he drinks, she will leave him alone and not ask for sex. He never drank much when we were together, but then, I'm not a drinker. He is a hard worker and has been at his job for many years and does not miss any days. To be honest, if I were to compare the two, I would say my H would be the more trustworthy, better man, but my heart isn't with him, it's with AP but I can't trust him not to go running back to her so my ultimatum to him was, you want to be with me, you prove it by ending your marriage...when the divorce papers are in your hand, we will be together. I did send him a text a couple hours ago and haven't heard back, so my heart wrenching, gut feeling, is that he did go back to her and that's why he's not answering. I could be wrong, but all I have is what he's done in the past to go on. Guess I will find out Monday morning and then the whole uncomfortable, akwardness will begin all over again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 11:58am

i know that gut wrenching feeling...i just hope you feel better...i'm not married i'm single but, if i felt i were in a marriage where i wasn't satisfied i'd leave for myself...i wanna hug ya cause i know the hurt part...the emotional anguish...it's hard...but, you will get through


((HUGS)))

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 12:10pm
Thank you, tygerzize, for your understanding and support...I really need it because like I said, I cannot talk to this with any of my friends or family...they just wouldn't understand and I know they would think I'm all crazy for wanting to be with AP after everything I've been through with him. I guess, to be honest, I don't want to be alone...I don't want to lose everything I've worked for. I know I have a good thing and just wish I could feel for H what I feel for AP and I wish I could have with AP what I have with H, ya know? But I guess if AP is back with his wife, I don't need to be in turmoil anymore over it, do I? I will not beg or plead to him but I will let him know how he's ripped my heart out again and how I'm sick of him making promises to me he can't keep. You just don't tell someone that you can't and won't live without them in your life, will do anything to be with them, want to spend the rest of your life with them, want to marry them, then just turn your back on them in a heartbeat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 12:44pm

Maybe I hopelessly optimistic, perhaps even delusional, but......

I can totally understand why he didn't go into details w/ his daughter over why he left. REGARDLESS, of how much he loves you, NOBODY, wants to look like a crumb to their kids regardless of how old they are. I don't think that if I were in that same situation I would have delved deep about my motives for leaving.

If he has so much guilt about leaving the W, why are you making him rub it in her face that you are the reason that he is leaving? Why not just let her think that he left on his own accord? Maybe if he does it that way, he will feel less guilt. One thing is for sure in my mind, and that's if you pressure him too much he WILL buckle in this tug of war that he is having w/ his conscious.

As far as the aunt dieing, and them going to the funeral together, I can see where they might go together since they have been together so long.Although if I were you, I'd be going ape sh*t too. On the other hand it does seem a bit suspicious considering his past buckling into going back w/ her. That's kind of a tough call. He sounds so damn fickle it's hard to say which way that one will go. I'm bothered by him not responding to your text messages. Why would he have to ignore them if they are separated? Again, no need to rub her face in it, but no need to ignore you either, that's just disrespectful to me.

I just wanted to add that I'm glad that you posted. I have thought of you often, and wondered how you were making out. Keep us posted as to what happens.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 1:32pm

Gabby,


Allow me to interject if I can. I am in the NEARLY exact situation as you. I am a MM dating a MW. We have been together 10 months. We have great times together. We have talked about leaving our spouses but we both seem chicken. She claims she is "separated" but lives in house with hubby. We will see what happens. I am not leaving my M for her until she is divorced.


I love my wife but am not in love with her. We have not had much sex in 5 years. She is a good person. She is however prone to anger and abuse issues. Probabaly bi-polar. However, our day to day life is pretty good. We travel together, do things together and have many things in common. Things are as you said COMFORTABLE. So for those who say why don'y you just leave, easier said than done. Maybe because it's not bad enough to leave??


I feel the same as you and not sure why I would leave a decent marraige for an unknown. I don't expect this to go on forever. Let me know if you ever need to chat, I think we could learn from each other.


Amexdm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 3:15pm
Thanks, Justice, it's been a tough couple months, but then, I let him back in my life so I guess I have no one else to blame. The only reason I can think of him not responding is that he doesn't want her to know that we have been seeing each other. I'm with you...I'm pretty sure he wants her to think he left for reasons other than me. What I find interesting though, is, a couple months ago, he mentioned that she was to have some kind of classes out of town and wanted him to take a couple vacation days, which, coincidentally, happened to be yesterday and today. I asked him that yesterday when he texted me if that was the real reason he was headed out of town and he said no. I don't think he would be so low as to lie about someone dying as an excuse, but you never know. I do know that this aunt does live out that way and I do know she hasn't been doing well, but you think he would just make up something like her not doing well and might not make it, but whatever. Yes, I probably shouldn't have gone off about him telling his daughter that, but to me it sounded like he didn't want his wife knowing the truth even though he told me that she's been suspicious and known something has been up for awhile. He had hoped to have a serious talk with her and tell her the truth last Friday when he moved out, but as he was moving his stuff out, she drove by ( left work early apparently) and saw him, then just drove off. She went and sat in the bar with friends and refused to answer his calls and even told his aunt ( the one that lives next door) that she knew it was over, she was just pissed about the way he did it because she had talked with him a few days before and he had told her nothing was wrong when she said she felt that he was pushing her away and being distant. I don't know...all I know is my gut feeling is that he's not answering me because he's with her and doesn't want her to know and if he really is where he says he is, I also know that that part of the family has not approved of him doing this to her,but really, it only takes a few minutes to duck into a bathroom and send a text, does it not? All I know is that I'm back to that sickening, heart in my stomach feeling that took me 3 months to get over...I still loved him, but was on my way to not being distraught about it. Live and learn, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 3:35pm
Thanks, amexdm, I guess it's like the old saying, leave well enough alone? I know my husband is a good man and treats me right, but I know there is so much more and that's how MM makes me feel. The first time MM and I decided to do this, he moved out and in with a friend and my husband moved out and in with someone he works with. After a month, MM went back to his wife, then decided 2 weeks later he was in love with me, wanted to leave, but had nowhere to go. I reluctantly said he could "STAY" with me until he found a place and that lasted maybe a week, then he knew he had to go back and give her a chance. 2-3 weeks later, he again, realized he wasn't happy with her and I let him actually MOVE IN with me. He lived here for a month, then left again. By then, I knew what I had to do, I talked my husband into coming back and we went through marriage counseling. A couple months later, MM and I started back up again and I admit, all those times, I was the one who initiated contact. We saw each other for two months but he didn't leave right away because his adult daughter was going through a medical crisis and even though I told him MAKE DAMN SURE you are okay with the way you are leaving things and he assured me he was..she was doing fine and he was not abandoning her, he would be there for HER, so we found a place together and each left our homes. That lasted a week and he couldn't take the guilt of them being there and dealing with his daughter's struggles and we split up again. For me, that was the final time. I did not speak nor look at him until he made contact with me. I guess I looked at it like the saying set something free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be...I didn't pressure him, I didn't make any threats, I simply told him that I was not risking everything again because I couldn't trust him not to go back. Keep in mind, it has ALWAYS been HIS decision for us to be together for good. He never wanted us just to see each other on the side and call it good, he wanted me for himself always...to wake up together, go to work together, go home together and I too, but I could never trust him to follow through. That's why this time I told him, NO being together until he filed for divorce and it was final and he assured me he could do it...he could be on his own for a couple months till it was done and he would have to be satisfied with just seeing me at work and whenever we could after work and maybe on the weekends if I could swing it..but one day after he moved out he was going on and on about how hard it was and he wished my husband would find out and leave so we could be together now....he knew how worried I was about him not being able to go through with it because of how he was acting and he assured me, just Wednesday morning how he wasn't happy to have to be without me, but he was doing this for US to prove to me how much he loved me..but like I've told him all along, actions speak louder than words....he's always been good with words and lousy with following through. SORRY for rambling on...just wanted to fill you in on the saga of my life...maybe I should write a book...ha!!

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