The rollercoaster ride of emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The rollercoaster ride of emotions
12
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:13am
I've been in my EMA for several years. And, just when you think you have experienced it all, something happens to set you off again. Even after all these years I still have a hard time excepting that MM is still married. Any thing he does for his W is like a slap in the face to me. It is still hard for me to accept the fact that they have a child together, thus, they will always have a common interest. It's hard for me to accept any part of his married life. For me it is extremely hard, extremely hard, me being single and having a relationship with a MM. I guess if he had never said that we would have a life together, and "if" I had never gottn my hopes up, then maybe I would not feel like this. But, he did, and it changed my life.

I think one of the problems is, that MM always paints this picture that he and his W are just barely cordial to each other. That they don't do anything together, they only communicate through their daughter. They don't sleep in the same room, yada, yada, yada...

I don't care how long you are in this type of relationship, you will still have those moments, where it's hard to deal with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:29am
Hello secretluver,

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH...it's so painful, isn't it???

Everyone seems to be telling me the same thing, as I am in a similar situation, except that my MM never said he would leave W for me.

But the advice I am getting is the same I am giving to you...DUMP HIM!!!

He is WITH HER and NOT WITH YOU...and there can be a million reasons WHY...and all of the justifications to help us tolerate, accept, and live with it...

but don't allow it to get to the point where I did...where every little thing is going to sets you off!

They all LIE.

They all LIE about what it's REALLY LIKE AT HOME W/ THEIR WIFE!

It is their way of keeping you around and the ONLY way they can make you feel like #1

Trust me on that one..it's TRUE!

and WE FOOLISHLY BELIEVE IT!!

GOod LUck..hope you have the strength to do what is best for you!

BLUE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:35am
hey secret -- you're right, no matter how long you are in a relationship that is lop-sided (him married, you single), you will resent that he is not there with you, and home doing the "husband" thing.

but the difference is -- you control your own life. you have no one to answer to or make decision for except yourself. it will be your decision to stay in or leave the A. and of course, that decision is NEVER an easy one!

hang in there. right now the rollercoaster is in the dip. hopefully soon it will bring you back up the hill to the top. vent to the board whenever you need to.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 12:21pm
Secret

Like you I am S (with kids) and it is sooooo hard. MM and I live on opposite coasts so we do not get to see eachother (only 2x in 8 months).

I understand what you are feeling with regard to the hopes and expectations. MM and I have been friends for a very long time and he would talk to me about his M over the course of the years - so with that regard, I know he is not lying about the situation. He sought my advice about how to improve and/or tolerate his M. Then one day - he told me that he was in love with me. He was the one who talked about D and that we would have a future together. He does this often and that is what keeps me hopes and exceptations up. The difficulty is I sometimes get very impatient with him that I don't see him talking any affirmative action to get a D. He has small kids so the custody issue is what is keeping him there. I can understand his concern but it is still hard.

Hugs!!!!

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 1:17pm
Hi Blue, you are so right. My logic tells me I need to dump him. But, I just can't bring myself to actually do it. I must say, all these emotions have taken their toll on our relationship.

I actually had a dream last night about dumping him. I don't know if I will ever get the strength to walk away from this relationship. Thanks for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 3:59pm
Hey secret...

YOU will know when you have had enough - there is nothing anyone can say that will make you dump him...ITS ON YOU. We are here to support you and wish you the best.

Maybe since your single like me - stay with your MM until u build the courage to leave him..trust me there does come a time where u cant hurt no more. Maybe you should open your doors to others - I am not saying go an fall in love or try to with the first guy out there but keep ur options open. DONT WAIT ON HIM. Becuase while we are at home they are not. And true who knows how things really are at home - I wish I can be a fly on the wall!! BUT NOT POSSIBLE!! I wish I could know whats going on with my MM especially after this weekend his W knows whats up with us I pretty much answered everything she asked other then the one where she asked me if I was sleeping with him...I said that was something her H had to answer. BTM LINE she is still there and DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE!

A woman puts herself in this situation and accepts it. We as woman have the upper hand and we usually can say what goes and what doesnt. Its for us to sit back and allow MM to walk all over us and us sit around waiting on them. OR JUST MOVE ON - and be strong - even though its not easy. I feel if there is love and true love he will leave but if he sees he can have his cake and eat it too - y even bother.

Im sorry to hear how u feel - well u got my email - and just write me anytime.

Be strong - HUGS

SANDY





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 5:14pm
My options are open, and have been for 2 years. I guess my biggest problem is getting out there and socializing. I don't have a huge circle of friends (don't really know why). I have ONE!!! friend that I socialize with. That within itself is a problem. I would be over joyed if ANYBODY asked me out on a date. I WANT to date other people, it anything just to see what it is like to go out with someone that is not married.

If anyone can suggest what I can do, to get out there to be noticed. You guys don't know how bad I want to ween myself away from MM. I need to get out there and socialize and have fun, and mostly meet new people. I would love any suggestions.

Thanks in advance for suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 5:52pm
Do something new that you have always wanted to do - a new hobby. That way you will meet people with your same interests - male and female. I am lucky that I have several good girlfriends to hang out with. I have not gone out on a "date" as of yet. Right now it is difficult for me to conceive "dating" when I am in love with MM, but it is nice to have others to help me occupy myself. (aside from the mom stuff). One step at a time I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 12:27am
OMG, secretluver it's like reading my own story. I can't deal with the fact that he's M. And yes when he has to go home to her or do anything with her, I feel like I've just been sucker punched. It sucks and it never gets easier, infact it just seems to get harder. My MM and his W have a DD together and I can't stand the fact that they have that incommen and always will. I can deal with it, what else am I to do about that. But it's hard sometimes. He says he's leaving, infact he told her that he's not inlove with her anymore and hinted to her that he might want to move out. Yes I know this could all be lies, but I'll trust it until I just don't want to anymore or he proves me wrong. So I really feel for you, it just plain sucks sometimes. Plain and simple!

Jdreamer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:40am
secret -- here's some suggestions --

i've met the men i've dated long-term during a bowling league, at a bar, at the grocery store. just get out of your comfort zone. take a class in something -- cooking, a language, auto repair, whatever. join a bowling league or softball league. volunteer at a hospital. you have to put yourself out in society in order to meet people, and not just men, but other women you can bond with, be friends with.

women friends are so important to your wellbeing. just like us here on the board, women will network with you for daycare, social activities, setting you up on dates with their men friends.

make new friends -- of both sexes. be open and friendly.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 11:30am
I guess I'm a boring person. I don't have any hobbies. For the past 12 years I've spent my life being mother/wife. Now, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not an athletic person, I'm not very good at playing sports. I'm not into dancing either. I guess I could join the gym, in hopes of meeting someone, and it would help me out too. I'm so embarassed of out of shape body.

I just need to get out more.

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