Romantic getaway

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Romantic getaway
9
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 12:48pm
Saw MM and his W together yesterday and they looked really unhappy. Especially her. Lately she has been feeling neglected, and she's right. She IS neglected. MM is always busy with various activities and when he's not busy, they still aren't alone. They're either out with friends or out with just the two of them and their daughter. I've been telling him he needs to give her some attention, maybe a night for just the two of them, but I guess I didn't think about the repercussions of that. He just told me they're planning a getaway for the two of them. It's driving me absolutely CRAZY. The insane thing about it is that H and I are always alone together. Every weekend is pretty much just the two of us... So I really have no right to say anything, or even think about being jealous, but I guess all along it's helped knowing that they're not really ever alone together except late at night. Now I know they're going to be off together alone. Does anyone else ever have to deal with this? I know I'm supposed to be the bigger person and be happy that they're doing something that's good for their marriage, but I guess I can't help being human and having that little jealousy monster pop up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 1:56pm
No, no advice. I think it's normal, though I don't feel that way about OM. I really *am* glad that they're happy, because DH and I are. I know OM misses me more on the weekends than I miss him because I have more kids and am busier. I do *envy* that they get to go away together, but it's not the same as being jealous. Besides, if he were unhappy, he would probably want more from me than he already does - and I'm already giving as much as I have to give (which is considerable, but I have my limits).

There are two things to think of here: one, your rational self knows they have sex and that once upon a time there was romance, too, so there's no point in denying that - you don't need to think about it, but it's pointless to pretend it doesn't exist. Two, your better self knows that it is better for a couple to be happy than to be unhappy. If you have any element of the selfless in your affection for this man, you already know that in your heart.

And a third point: keep busy, and don't ask for details about it later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:15pm
I completely understand your feelings. I went through something similiar myself. MM and his W had the house to themselves for about 3 weeks when their son went to visit his in- laws. I teased him about her having him on a short leash while son was away. But I called him one day and reality hit me. He said he couldn't talk because W took the day off work. Before son got back, they had gone to movies and shopping, dinner, the whole nine yards. At times I have taken the day off so H and I can spend time together, but I still get a little envious too. I guess it is all part of the game. I just try not to think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:03pm
"keep busy, and don't ask for details about it later."

Very good advice! When we first started this flirtation/affair/whatever, we used to talk about sex a lot. He is a very sexual person and sex with her is pretty kinky, to hear him talk. I used to listen with fascination, but over time, as my feelings grew, it started to drive me crazy to hear about it. I finally told him to stop telling me and he did. I don't even want to know when they've done it. Ignorance is definitely bliss. It's something you know happens, but do you really have to have a video-feed into their bedroom???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 4:17pm
I don't understand...do you really WANT him and his wife to be happy together? Why would you give such advice if it can only hurt you if he takes the advice? It never helps to be inauthentic, and I think you were being inauthentic. Next time, don't give him marital advice!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 4:28pm
Oh my goodness. That is something I want *no* insight into. I never want to hear about anyone's sex life, period, and I never discuss mine. As I think I said recently in another conversation on this board, I can infer things by his reaction to what *we* do, but I don't want to know about what he and his wife do.

I think he's entitled to my *not* knowing certain things about his family life. When he went on vacation most recently, I looked at the pictures and commented that I'd never seen his wife look so happy, which I really have not - she looked relaxed, and she is normally pretty uptight. But I didn't ask for details such as, "tell me about the restaurants you went to, what did the kids think of this or that, what did you talk about" - this was something he got to experience with her and his kids, and not everything needs to be shared with others. Similarly, I don't share every detail of my life with anyone, including him. I like some privacy. Fortunately, so does DH and so does OM. . . even though they are my two best friends, not every thought or experience needs to be shared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 4:29pm
I want him to be happy, yet I can't help but feel "envious" that she gets him for the weekend. Mostly I feel bad that she's unhappy, believe it or not. I see myself in her...ten years down the line. They met at work while they were both married, fell in love with each other, and broke up both marriages to be together and now they're not happy. I guess I told him to work on it because I know if there comes a time when I'm feeling like her, I'd want someone to slap him back to his senses! Not many of my emotions make sense these days. I thought most EMAs were like this...you have contradicting feelings on a lot of things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 5:04pm
Yes, you are right. There are conflicting emotions. I'm luckier in that I seem to feel less conflict than others, but I get them, too.

I don't feel jealous of MM's wife. I have a great life that includes her husband! But I do envy her the time she gets to spend relaxing with him. And OM says he'd trade places with my DH in a heartbeat, but it doesn't mean he's jealous of my DH or that he's unhappy with his wife. Just that we would love to have it all - the human condition. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:44pm
I so understand where you are coming from! I'm such a jealous person by nature, so being in an EMA is not easy with my personality. Mm makes it alot easier then it could be. He's never home. He's always working and if he's not working he's with me. I don't get why she doesn't push the issue of his always being gone. Well she's starting to. She went to a therapist this week and wants him to go, he told her no. She tried to get him to go away for a weekend with his brother and girlfriend, again he said no. The holidays were bad this past year. I was still with h, so I had to pretend to want to be there, when all I was thinking about was mm. Come to find out I was all he was thinking about at his family gatherings. He even said he had to control not calling me all day. But the worst was this summer, I was gone from my m, so when the fourth of July came around and things like that, I had to sit at home alone going mad at the thought if him at home playing the happy little family. I thought I was going to go insane! No more he's going to be gone before anymore holidays. He said that last year that he wouldn't be there for next years holiday season. I will push it, I can't go through this year with him at home with her. I would go insane with the whole weekend getaway! I'm sorry, do something to distract yourself. That's all I can think of, again I'm sorry, I understand where you're coming from. It doesn't always matter if you have the right to be jealous or not. It's human nature to have a double standard. Maybe not fair, but it happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 8:14pm
I think it's pretty normal. You've been given excellent advice by ishould. I can't add anything to it. Just a {{hug}} and an, "I hear ya".

Lucky