On a roof top, screaming!!!
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| Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:49am |
Last night OM was so down. 'I want to be next to you to drink our coffee everyday. I wanna be with you, it is that simple! And it is damn near impossible!' were his words. OH it was so nice to hear, and yet it is so hard to deal with the constant pain, of loving the other and yet not wanting to hurt anyone in our lives. HOW LONG do you think one can do it? Lots of you on the site have been at this years!!! I am not sure how to keep things smooth, with the ups and downs coming and going. He says it will make sense one day, it will get easier, not sure how, doesn't seem any easier after almost a year!!!
And today, at one point, I felt it, that rightness, everything in it's place! I was singing in the car, happy he is in my life and not asking for more, happy my marriage is okay, on a B- level (above average), that the kids will grow and one day, I can leave it all, to be forever with my OM. Do you think it will ever happen. SOMETIMES, I pray it will, but most of the time, I just pray that we can continue communicating, because to loose just this thread of light, would destroy a big part of my sanity.
HOW can something that feels so right, be just that right. How does one get through the loops, with out falling. I will deal with the pain, because to have him here in the light with me, is worth it. Heard that question... EVER LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, IT HAS MADE YOU CRY??
I would love to scream from the roof tops, just how happy he makes me, and yet, I can not even whisper it to my best of friends, only you gents and ladies!!!
Mitzy (just venting and needing to say it outloud!)

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I am not in love with H but I love me "family" life. I have had the papers done in the lawyers office but I just can't bring myself to sign them. I told H to give me to after the holidays. He is devistated to say the least.
I can't imagine doing this for years. I love MM but think sometimes it's just not worth it. My happiness always seems to be put on the back burner. I feel selfish.
Good Luck to you. Hang in there.
I feel for everything you just wrote. It is so true. How does something so right, feel just that, right? I don't know. But Like you it feels good to be in that place when we can be happy to have what we have, our marriage, our OM and our children ! We need to be happy to just be, and not worry about what will come. I too have the same plans you have about one day being with OM, it is the thread that holds things together. Just wanting you to know I totally understand and you can shout from this roof top any time.
Wishing~
I don't understand these alleged do-gooders. Just *some* contact with my OM gives me life, my spirit, my smile. Without it, it's the same old stuff. I worry about our future because he is 23 years older. By the time my kids are grown, he'll be freakin 75! And he has some heath issues going on too. I feel this is hopeless.
Hey Mitzy,
say it loud hon... that's what we're here for :)
I too can relate to a lot that you said... while I don't ever think of a future with MM... I can not think of a future with out him.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
He is such an important part of my happiness now. Before I used to worry that he would change his mind, but now that I know he isn't going to, my new fear is that some strange twist of fate will end it all. God, he's not just a lover -- he's a wonderful friend. He's someone I look up to. What would I do without him in my life? It's very scary.
That's what is the absolute worst about an A -- it is a REALITY check, because it is a reminder that in the end, no matter what, we CAN"T control the things in our lives.
(I'm obviously in a down mood tonight!!)
Charlotte
Hey charlotte,
Hon... I can certainly relate to you on that one... when MM leaves my place to go home... the last thing I say is take care and drive carefully... and I mean it! That was really only reserved for DH and family... but now he is such an important part of my life.
I too have that fear... that something, anything could happen to him... and how in the world would I know.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
It took so long for me to even accept the A, something that could never happen to me, yeah right. The age difference only gives me fear the a physical life together will never happen, and yet having him daily as is, is also the means to my sanity. But I also know, that neither of us wants to leave our marriages.
I just wished I could keep it all in that small moment like yesterday, everything feeling right. Feeding off the confidence it gives me, the joy it fills me with, and and and!!!
Thanks for letting me scream, it felt good, and is so nice to hear that others feel the same. Getting through this loop and ready for the next...
Hugs to all, and again thanks!
Mitzy
cl-liberalgirl
callmeliberal@hotmail.com
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