On a roof top, screaming!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
On a roof top, screaming!!!
13
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:49am
OH, today was so strange.

Last night OM was so down. 'I want to be next to you to drink our coffee everyday. I wanna be with you, it is that simple! And it is damn near impossible!' were his words. OH it was so nice to hear, and yet it is so hard to deal with the constant pain, of loving the other and yet not wanting to hurt anyone in our lives. HOW LONG do you think one can do it? Lots of you on the site have been at this years!!! I am not sure how to keep things smooth, with the ups and downs coming and going. He says it will make sense one day, it will get easier, not sure how, doesn't seem any easier after almost a year!!!

And today, at one point, I felt it, that rightness, everything in it's place! I was singing in the car, happy he is in my life and not asking for more, happy my marriage is okay, on a B- level (above average), that the kids will grow and one day, I can leave it all, to be forever with my OM. Do you think it will ever happen. SOMETIMES, I pray it will, but most of the time, I just pray that we can continue communicating, because to loose just this thread of light, would destroy a big part of my sanity.

HOW can something that feels so right, be just that right. How does one get through the loops, with out falling. I will deal with the pain, because to have him here in the light with me, is worth it. Heard that question... EVER LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, IT HAS MADE YOU CRY??

I would love to scream from the roof tops, just how happy he makes me, and yet, I can not even whisper it to my best of friends, only you gents and ladies!!!

Mitzy (just venting and needing to say it outloud!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:01am
Boy do I know how you feel. I'm getting tired of this double life. It's draining me. Yseterday I was actually walking around the house talking on my cell to MM and H came into the room and asked me a question. MM said do you have to go? I said no.

I am not in love with H but I love me "family" life. I have had the papers done in the lawyers office but I just can't bring myself to sign them. I told H to give me to after the holidays. He is devistated to say the least.

I can't imagine doing this for years. I love MM but think sometimes it's just not worth it. My happiness always seems to be put on the back burner. I feel selfish.

Good Luck to you. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:03am
Mitzy,

I feel for everything you just wrote. It is so true. How does something so right, feel just that, right? I don't know. But Like you it feels good to be in that place when we can be happy to have what we have, our marriage, our OM and our children ! We need to be happy to just be, and not worry about what will come. I too have the same plans you have about one day being with OM, it is the thread that holds things together. Just wanting you to know I totally understand and you can shout from this roof top any time.

Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:03am
I am in the same boat, stay at home mom (7) with 3 small children. My affair was discovered TWICE in 2 months, how bad is that. OM imposed NC since last Saturday but I have been sending him email. He hasn't said I should stop. He was asking about me through my best friend until she told him she didn't want to be the mediary. Now I think that was the last straw for him. He is hurting so much (so am I.)

I don't understand these alleged do-gooders. Just *some* contact with my OM gives me life, my spirit, my smile. Without it, it's the same old stuff. I worry about our future because he is 23 years older. By the time my kids are grown, he'll be freakin 75! And he has some heath issues going on too. I feel this is hopeless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:11am
It is so hard. I guess for those who do it for sex and sex alone it might be easier. I need affection, feeling like someone cares about me, someone I feel that I can vent to. We have sex, but it's not the basis of our affair. That was one of the reasons I cut contact with MM for a while, it was getting so hard to deal with it all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 6:40pm

Hey Mitzy,


say it loud hon... that's what we're here for :)


I too can relate to a lot that you said... while I don't ever think of a future with MM... I can not think of a future with out him.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:53pm
The thing that gets me is the fear that POOF! in an instant, it can END. Like sweet, I have no plans to "be" with him in the future. We are going to do this as long as we can -- but who knows how long or short a time that will be? Anything can happen -- his W or my H could find out, something could physically happen to him (and how the on earth would I find out -- what would I do? I could never be there for him).

He is such an important part of my happiness now. Before I used to worry that he would change his mind, but now that I know he isn't going to, my new fear is that some strange twist of fate will end it all. God, he's not just a lover -- he's a wonderful friend. He's someone I look up to. What would I do without him in my life? It's very scary.

That's what is the absolute worst about an A -- it is a REALITY check, because it is a reminder that in the end, no matter what, we CAN"T control the things in our lives.

(I'm obviously in a down mood tonight!!)

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:00pm

Hey charlotte,


Hon... I can certainly relate to you on that one... when MM leaves my place to go home... the last thing I say is take care and drive carefully... and I mean it! That was really only reserved for DH and family... but now he is such an important part of my life.


I too have that fear... that something, anything could happen to him... and how in the world would I know.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 1:26am
Thanks to all of you, sometimes, I just need to hear I am not alone and others feel the same! I am feeling drained, tired of it, (actually that time of the month coming, and it always seems to push me to the bottom of the loop)and yet, couldn't see life with out it all, OM marriage, or kids.

It took so long for me to even accept the A, something that could never happen to me, yeah right. The age difference only gives me fear the a physical life together will never happen, and yet having him daily as is, is also the means to my sanity. But I also know, that neither of us wants to leave our marriages.

I just wished I could keep it all in that small moment like yesterday, everything feeling right. Feeding off the confidence it gives me, the joy it fills me with, and and and!!!

Thanks for letting me scream, it felt good, and is so nice to hear that others feel the same. Getting through this loop and ready for the next...

Hugs to all, and again thanks!

Mitzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 1:30am
So true ladies!! Boy, the ups and downs over the past five years that I've been involved in mine. My MM and I have a deep love and bond for each other. There are days I want to shout it to the whole world just how much I love him. Meanwhile, things on the homefront continue to deteriorate. I'm beginning to look at my options for moving on and out of my marriage. The A didn't break my marriage, (although it didn't help it) but has helped me to see the problems that have been there for so long. I've previously asked my DH to go for counseling with me, but he's refused. Thru the years his anger and nastiness have grown worse and I've had enough of being his doormat. If he's not willing to make an effort, then I'm done trying. Anyway, didn't mean to write a book. I can certainly relate to everyone's post here. I wish for a real "out in the open" relationship one day with my guy. Who knows, maybe fairy tales can come true. Best wishes to all!! Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 8:40am
Justneedmore, I came to this board, as many know, confident that my A was about sex and sex only and would never come to be anything more than that. What a fool I was...LOL I love both my DH and my OM so deeply that I just cant hardly see straight some days...IMHO if you think it's easier when it's only about sex you're crazy because it's never really just about sex...we're women for pete sakes! HA! Who was I trying to fool!!!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

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