On a roof top, screaming!!!
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:49am |
Last night OM was so down. 'I want to be next to you to drink our coffee everyday. I wanna be with you, it is that simple! And it is damn near impossible!' were his words. OH it was so nice to hear, and yet it is so hard to deal with the constant pain, of loving the other and yet not wanting to hurt anyone in our lives. HOW LONG do you think one can do it? Lots of you on the site have been at this years!!! I am not sure how to keep things smooth, with the ups and downs coming and going. He says it will make sense one day, it will get easier, not sure how, doesn't seem any easier after almost a year!!!
And today, at one point, I felt it, that rightness, everything in it's place! I was singing in the car, happy he is in my life and not asking for more, happy my marriage is okay, on a B- level (above average), that the kids will grow and one day, I can leave it all, to be forever with my OM. Do you think it will ever happen. SOMETIMES, I pray it will, but most of the time, I just pray that we can continue communicating, because to loose just this thread of light, would destroy a big part of my sanity.
HOW can something that feels so right, be just that right. How does one get through the loops, with out falling. I will deal with the pain, because to have him here in the light with me, is worth it. Heard that question... EVER LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, IT HAS MADE YOU CRY??
I would love to scream from the roof tops, just how happy he makes me, and yet, I can not even whisper it to my best of friends, only you gents and ladies!!!
Mitzy (just venting and needing to say it outloud!)

Pages
SG and I've got a groovy kind of love. We share tea every day at work, have lunch together when we can, chat as much as possible during the day, frequently work out together and message each other goodnight every night. We even go shopping together sometimes! Does anybody else get to share so many mundane things with her OM?
Do I sometimes wish I was dead so the whole thing would be over, and I wouldn't be cheating on DH anymore? Of course. There are days when I feel like pulling an Anna Karenina. But I realize that's the easy way out, and ultimately would still cause the ones I love pain.
I also know that this A has been one of my most life-changing events. It has shaken my very core from the comfort of the values in which I was so resolute, making me re-evaluate just about everything I ever "knew". I'm sure I'm not the only one who has noticed as a result of her A just how much uncertainty there is in life.
I choose not to give fear the power to prevent me risking pain (which is inevitable regardless of our choices) in order to love to my fullest measure.
And it is this bittersweet joy that I shout from the rooftop!
Brightest blessings to one and all.
ALl the time. I want to scream from the rooftops too but can't. Sometime I get caught up inside that I do end up crying and asking God where He has planned for me with this man. Why does something so wonderful have to be so very hard, why is it so very wrong? sigh...
And how he has changed me. As someone said, could never imagine having to revaluate everything in which I believed in before. Never thought someone's soul could have changed me so, make me feel alive, and right..
Oh, sorry ladies, just really blue today.. After all, it doesn't feel evil, and yet.. it shouldn't be right. D..mn this mess.. But can't live with out his support, his smile. So stuck here without him... and yet he is all mine..
How can something so wrong... feel so right??? so well do I understand this now...
Sorry, just venting some more.
Pages