Roommate is having affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Roommate is having affair.
2
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 11:30am
I really need some help so if anyone can give me a little advice it would be greatly appreciated. I am 23 and my roommate is 25. She was engaged about 5 months ago and they broke it off. About two months after that she started dating a guy who was her best friend. About a month later she also started dating a MM. I actually call him M. To his face ane everything. Anyway, she never quite told me what was going on until last week. She was afraid that I would hold it against her. I have never judged her or anyone else. I wasn't even hurt that she didn't tell me because I could understand the fear. She has my word that no one will find out. Well, except for here because I need a little help and no one knows me or her here.

So now she is full on having an a affair with a MM. He has 2 kids and has been married for 9 years. He is also 37. So I am worried about her getting really hurt. She is still with her BF but he I can tell he knows something. He is getting very possesive with her and short. She said that there was a night that he was drunk and called her cell and just left a message saying, "I'm sorry." So she went over to his house and he had a loaded gun on his table in front of him. I think he has issues and needs counseling and she needs to get out of that relationship but she says she will never leave his side as long as he needs her.

Now the MM wants to make the A more serious. Oh and M doesn't know that she has a BF. He said that he wants her all to himself.

And the worst part is she is taking the frustrations of balancing two men out on me. I recently started dating a man that is still married but in the process of divorce. It will be final next month. And she is saying things lie, "Now we both have MM." It's completely different for me. I don't have to hide anything.

I love my friend very much but I just have a horrible feeling that this is all going to blow up in her face. She is lying all the time to everyone, even me. And at times she can't keep her schedule straight. She works with the MM so she see's him everyday and since I know about the whole thing she brings him back to our place. She knows I would never betray her trust but at the same time she won't listen to me. She's never done anything of this nature before and I'm not sure she can cover her tracks well enough not to get caught. Her BF is already going through her cell phone. He didn't know we had a new phone number and he called our house asking who's number it was. When I said my name he was really confused. But then I wonder who else he called from her cell.

So no that I've written a book I guess my question is what do I do for her? I don't want her to get hurt and I'd give my life to make sure she stays safe. She is always asking me for advice and I try to tell her to end one of the relationships. Is there anything that I can possibly do to spare her from having the pain that I know will come if she is discovered? I am so confused.

Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 3:22pm
Julia,

There is absolutely nothing that you can do for your friend other than be there for her when she needs you, give her advice when she asks for it, and just listen. Nothing will make her stop what's she doing until she either gets caught or has enough of either situation with the BF and MM. You said that the MM doesn't know about the BF, so she's lying to him. She's lying to the BF about the MM. She needs to let go of the BF, especially if he is waving guns around, checking her cell phone bills, etc. He is not married to her and has no right to snoop through her stuff. All you can continue to do is be her friend and tell her that she needs to be careful. You can't control your friend's actions. If she doesn't listen to your advice, well, at least you tried to help.

H&H

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 3:24pm
Julia, you are kind to want to protect your friend. Unfortunately, you can't protect a person from herself. If she's insisting on self-destructive behavior and toxic relationships, then she will have to deal with the consequences herself.

You are doing all the right things, but if you feel that you are in danger yourself from her boyfriend, please be careful and protect *yourself*. That's all you can really do.