Rough day

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Rough day
2
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 8:08pm

Let's see if this posts.  For the first time I can log into my pFhone.  Hoping ivillage gets all the kinks out soon.  Smile

So, some days I think all is good with AP then his jerkiness seeps through.  I remember the years I didn't see him.  I was relaxed. I wasn't obsessive and thinking clearly.  AP is my drug, and I am clearly addicted.  The days when I am ignored are starting to weigh on me.  I then need another fix.  And I act like an idiot.  Like really?!  I want my self respect back but I cling to him as if he is my last breath.

Reality is knocking.  This fantasy doesn't work.  I'm having a moment.  When he texted today, I. Hoped to scare him away.  I really didn't want to talk to him.  I had an aha moment.  I'm exhausted and my mind is finally outweighing my heart.  Why?  Why do I let him dictate my mood?  Why do I give him so much attention for so little in return?  I'm worth more than a man who doesn't think of me as much as I him.  

Over the weekend I had two nightmares he was in.  I take that as a sign.  Let's just say my mind knows I am one of many.  I am not special.  Never thought I was and I stil don't.  I have to be honest with myself.  NO excuses for him any longer.  If he thought more of me he would show it.  Yet he shows his true colors constantly.

So, I'm here conflicted.  I'm still on MAS but EAS is calling and I've been lingering.   I want my dignity back yet I want him.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Let's see what that brings.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 1:10pm

Oh, Lostbutnotfound...it is like we are with the same AP...everything you say here describes exactly how I feel. I am so sorry but I can relate.  I've only known him for 6 mos.  Honestly, a year ago, I felt like the greatest catch in the world.  I felt like any guy would be thrilled to be with me. I knew I'd get hit on every time I went out.  I also felt like the most clearheaded person in the world...I was the one everyone always came to for advice because I always know what to do.  Now I feel obsessed, confused, naive, not good enough for him, on on on.  I have been trying not to contact my AP.  Not to see if he'll initiate contact (I'm fairly certain that he wont, though he did sext once since I stopped initiating), but because I feel so confused and I don't want to do anything until I feel like I know what I want to do and how to proceed. It is hard though...I want the fix even though it breaks my heart everytime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:55am

I know the feeling all too well.  When I hadn't heard from my AP in six days, I finally emailed him Christmas day and said, really?  you're not even going to wish me a merry Christmas at some point?  And I told him how hurt I was.  He brushed it off like I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, he didn't "realize" he hadn't done it, so I needed to just relax and forgive him and he said if I don't hear from him for a week, or even a year, know that he is always thinking of me and I always have a special place in his heart.  Uh, cough-bulls***-cough. Whatever.  And then I didn't hear from him again until after the first, and it was only to tell me he'd written this long blog post about the best things that happened to him in 2012 and when he said "embracing new friends" he meant me.  Aw, gee...   

Haven't heard a word since.  In fact, there is a photography site we are both on and he seriously was on there all day long, commenting to other people, and he didn't leave one comment to me.  I asked him once why he rarely commented to me but he did to every other person... he was afraid people would see right through him and know there was something going on between us.  Um, again, bull****.  

And it's taking every ounce of strength to have the willpower NOT to contact him.  

I saw the most perfect pin on pinterest yesterday... it may seem the hardest thing to do, but you have to forget the guy who forgot about you.  Yep, I do.  

I guess it's a good thing that when six months ago, we started to cross that line from friendship into relationship, we both took a step back and said, no, we can't do this, and instead, our friendship just really blossomed, he became my best friend, never my lover.  So now, I can just push him to the side instead of breaking off all contact.  He can just be this guy I know instead of my best friend.  Clearly I don't mean enough to him.