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|Thu, 12-27-2012 - 8:08pm|
Let's see if this posts. For the first time I can log into my pFhone. Hoping ivillage gets all the kinks out soon.
So, some days I think all is good with AP then his jerkiness seeps through. I remember the years I didn't see him. I was relaxed. I wasn't obsessive and thinking clearly. AP is my drug, and I am clearly addicted. The days when I am ignored are starting to weigh on me. I then need another fix. And I act like an idiot. Like really?! I want my self respect back but I cling to him as if he is my last breath.
Reality is knocking. This fantasy doesn't work. I'm having a moment. When he texted today, I. Hoped to scare him away. I really didn't want to talk to him. I had an aha moment. I'm exhausted and my mind is finally outweighing my heart. Why? Why do I let him dictate my mood? Why do I give him so much attention for so little in return? I'm worth more than a man who doesn't think of me as much as I him.
Over the weekend I had two nightmares he was in. I take that as a sign. Let's just say my mind knows I am one of many. I am not special. Never thought I was and I stil don't. I have to be honest with myself. NO excuses for him any longer. If he thought more of me he would show it. Yet he shows his true colors constantly.
So, I'm here conflicted. I'm still on MAS but EAS is calling and I've been lingering. I want my dignity back yet I want him. Tomorrow is a new day. Let's see what that brings.