Round 2

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Round 2
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:28pm

Hi Everyone!  I have not been on for awhile - it it seems dealing with the roller coaster ride that all of you warned me about can take quite a lot out of you!  Now why I can't listen to people's good advice, I still don't know.  Hope everyone is well.


I will try to be brief in my update.  My A is still ongoing.  AP & I came home & had sort of left off that we would do this again, or do FWB.  I wanted it but was not sure AP was going to after his bout of guilt after sex the first time....I figured once he gets home he may feel worse.  So, after coming home, AP and I were chatting for about a month, mostly over work related things but he would bring up FWB.  Problem is he can never be straight with me - it was always like he would bring it up but was waiting for me to call the shots, make the plans, etc.  One time we were messaging & he suddenly changes the subject to ask if I knew where a certain place was, then proceeds to tell me he is going there w/friends for was an underhanded invitation & he wanted me to ask if he wanted company.  I didn't play into it...then the following week he says I should have come.  I told him I would have if he asked me.  I think that diffuses his guilt, if I was to show up on my own.  He has a lot going on right now as we are under extreme pressure at work, plus his personal issues & I really felt like he is not in the right place to do this right now, but he was not saying that.  Location to do this has also been an issue as neither of us were crazy about the car or hotels, finding what CC to put them on (plus that can get expensive).


In addition to that he never really flirts or compliments - or keeps it hot & fun.  He did more in the beginning (but even then not very much).  And this really bothers me a lot - I feel like he is trying to just keep all emotion out of it.  Also, as Sunny so clearly pointed out (and was SO right about), he is emotionally unavailable!  In fact, he doesn't even try to hide that - he comes right out & says he never shows any emotion - in fact it's like a cold, hard brick wall!!!  But I can see it underneath though - he has lots of feelings about a lot of different things & tries so hard to cover it up, that he actually comes out & says just that - he didn't say he doesn't feel, just that he will not show.  I get the feeling that is not just with me it's with all aspects of his life.  Maybe one of these days he will go postal or something!  In fact he is so bad about it we were talking the other day & he was having a really "down" day, he was bummed out (you know, with the emotion he never shows), and I tried to cheer him up.  I actually really felt bad that he was so down, so before I left I messaged him to ask if he was feeling any better - I had been afraid to even do that!  I contemplated for 15 min before messaging him as God Forbid that very minimum of care & concern would indicate too much emotion for him!  He seemed to appreciate it as he thanked me for asking - but who knows. 


So finally we decided (pretty much out of desperation) that we would deal with the car.  This happened very recently & it was totally amazing.  He was so into it, as was I and I think we both wish it could happen every day like that (of course it can't).  This is only round 2 but it always seems he disconnects after because of something.  The day after I messaged him about something & he asked if everything was ok when I got home & I said yes & asked him the same.  He said yes, then proceeds to tell me he woke up in the middle of the night because he thought someone was ringing his doorbell, and I said why would someone be doing that?  Then he said maybe my H?  So round one he freaks out over guilt, round two now it's paranoia???  I told him no way!  Then of course we did not talk for the rest of the day.


And I am totally fuming - I just feel like I should be done, and I want to tell him I am done - let's just quit while we're ahead!  I am insanely attracted to him & I want FWB.  This is my first time & I still don't know what's normal & what to expect but I know that I am miserable how this is going!!  I understand teh FWB concept but if he cannot even flirt or keep it fun, or even ask how I am the next day then I am out.  I am not looking for I love you, but how about "Hey, how was your weekend?"  Geez!  He is just so nervous, seeminly about everything, guilt, emotional attachment (not sure if it's more a fear of me becoming attached to him or if he fears he could become attached to me but my gut feeling says both), my H coming after him, someone finding out....I am normally the paranoid one but this is way too much for me to deal with. 


As for emotional attachment if there was any on my part it is going down hill pretty fast!  There was for me at first - I was always attracted to AP and have known him for awhile, but the real connection I felt to him was the similarity in our personal situations, in fact without that connection I would not be doing this - that is what got me "in".  I did also think (notice the past tense)  he was pretty wonderful. I enjoy our conversations & he can challenge me intelectually (where my H can't).  But there is no dillusion on my part that we would ever be together or leave our spouses...nor do I fear I will ever feel that way.  I can totally keep it perspective.   


I have actually told him a bit about how I feel, maybe not as direct as I should but I'm not sure how to do that - I suppose I should just find a way to say it.  I really want it to work out but if he keeps it up it is going to suck because I will end it - I have far too much personal integrity to deal with this kind of treatment because I just feel so crappy afterwards.  So far we have done it twice & while the sex has been great, somehow he just makes me feel awful the next day by his lack of, well....anything!  I am new to this and FWB, but I cannot imagine FWB should feel like this?  Then I'm thinking, well, we are co-workers, sort of friends, and this is all about sex anyway so why should I really care?  But it's lacking on the "F" part of FWB.  If he wants just sex or a quick hook-up he should pay someone or do a ONS.

Sorry this was not so brief!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 12:19am

"then I told him I was not going to let myself become a place for him to stick it when it's geographically convenient! "

Love it!  I'm glad you are telling him this stuff.  He needs to hear it, and you need to say it.  


I don't think it is weird at all to want him to treat you like a person who likes you.  Nobody wants to be a hooker who is on call, especially one that doesn't get paid!  Maybe he has issues dealing with the sex, but those are his issues, and when they start making you feel bad, then he makes them your issues.  That's no fair, and it isn't what you signed up for.  I'm glad you gave him a heads up that it isn't acceptable, and I hope that if he continues to be crappy about it, you move on.  

I think many of us feel more sexually open with our APs because of the nature of the R.  We are already breaking the rules when we enter an A, and it in part is a R that is based in the idea of sexual satisfaction above all else.  Also, it starts without the pressure of "Where is this going?"  You don't have to play the games you might have to play in a regular R in order to not seem easy or mess up future potential.  I am missing the freedom of my As right now.  As I date, I have to be so much more reserved. I can't just be blunt and enthusiastic about my sexual desires early on with the people I date, or they assume I am easy or a  And I know I'm not the only one...that's why books are written about it.  But in an A, I could just be myself sexually.  I didn't have to worry about whether it would change the course of the R down the road.  There is just less pressure, so it is more about fun and pleasure.  That makes for some great sex!