Round & round we go...
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| Fri, 10-22-2010 - 11:04am |
Hello MAS,
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend & TGIF!!!
I text AP something that was weighing on my mind for a while. I could of very well said to him face to face but I didn't have the heart and I was too much of a coward. It was done this way because seeing him would have only made me cave in and not let my feelings out.
Please let me know what you think, any input would be appreciated.
Thanx again 4 your call. Don't waste your time anymore Jay. I'm tired of u saying your going 2 do something & then u don't follow through. Its been a constant thing with u lately. I'm tired of the games, the lies & me not being true to myself & mine. I can't continue wondering what your doing, who your with, how you really feel 4 me. Tired of being a joke because that's what I am to you. U & I r going round & round in circles & nothing will ever progress or change between us. I'll still be married & u deserve someone who is not attached. It hurts but I don't want to do this any more. I love u, love u enough to let u be. I'm not throwing u under the bus as u might say but I just had enough.
I never lied about my feelings for u but this is tearing me up inside, being with 2 men. U r a beautiful, thoughtful man & if I were single it would be great but that's not the case. I know u want & need more, things that I can not give u. Been with u for a year & a half & I feel I've blocked your blessings & your potential to find someone deserving of u & the love u have to give. I have to live with myself knowing I had an affair, that I have been cheating.I'm a liar & live with that everday. This isn't me Jay. I like to think I'm a good woman but I can't say that now. I wish u could understand me & where I'm coming from but u never will :(. Please forgive me for texting u. As I'm sure this will seem immature & childish but I can't look @ u & do it face to face becuz I'm going to give in. U r my weakness & this is harder then u can ever imagine 4 me.
I'm not trying to hurt u, not sure if I did or not & will never regret us but I don't have the energy, its not in me anymore. Its hard 2 be with someone that u really don't trust all the time. How much longer will we go on like this? Its not healthy, this twisted love triangle. U knew it was going to end one day & we r just prolonging the inevitable. Its like I want more from u but know u can't give it to me.I'm expecting to much & I'm not in the position to do so from u. I want u to be my man but that's not possible. Who am I fooling? Please don't call, text, or contact me in any way. I need to get over u & hope u respect my wishes of no contact. I wish u the best that life has to offer because u deserve it. U deserve happiness & all that's beautiful. I learned so much from what we had & I'll never be the same becuz of it. I'll always have love for a man that I can't have. I have no ill feelings towards u & will never hate u. Don't reach out to me anything u may have u can keep or do what u wish. As it is we work togeter so I know I'm bound to bump into u but I can't do this anymore, its eating me up inside.
I'm not sure how long I will last NC but I'm thinking positive and hope to stick to it. Until then I still want to keep posting here for now and hope you all don't mind.

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Hi Rayne!
I don't know if you remember me, but I have posted from time to time here but mostly just read.
(( HUGS ))
Of course I remember you = ). Surprisingly I'm not crying and going crazy here at work. I've been keeping busy but I do MISS him so much. I was just tired of him always saying he's going to do something and then he doesn't. Tired of questioning everything about him. I never would have expected it to have happened yesterday but after he disappointed me yet again I guess I spazed out and texted him. I don't regret it, in fact I feel a bit relieved. He did call me at 712pm last night but haven't heard anything else. I hope he doesn't call me or look for me. I want him to forget me and if he has to-to treat me cold so I won't get tempted to reach out to him. I know there are the highs & lows but I have to get over this.
Thanks for the link you sent me and yes I think it is a bit easier when he's a neighbor. I wish you much love and strength in your journey and please feel free to keep me posted.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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The first thing I need to say to you, Rayne, is that you are a GOOD woman.
anotherseyes
Rayne, my heart is breaking for you.Your
All I can hope for you Rayne, is that this time you have the strength to follow through.
You've got a lot of choices. I
You left so many doors open, I don't even know where to begin.
This "goodbye" text romanticizes your affair (and him) WAY too much.
Rayne,
I think you have been on the path to growing and becoming
"Dont forget the old saying " when bad outweighs the good-- let go" , something like that."
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