Running Shoes
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 5:31pm |
I just talked with the man I love with all my heart. In January, he flinched when it came time to leave his wife. I understand. They've been married 25 years. We've known each other, (in this life), for less than a year.
He asked me not to leave, although I've had my running shoes on almost since day one. He was unsure. I made him promise not to talk about forever unless and until he was ready to commit to forever. He agreed.
We're writing a book together. (Yes, its _good_) ;) We've continued to see each other. We talk every day, except on the weekends and even then he finds a way to call or email me, (because I don't do NC well AT ALL). IOW, he's considerate, loving, caring, intelligent, handsome, sexy, and he's my soul's other half.
Okay, if he's wonderful, then why am I posting this? I told him that I believe that my love is worth someone wanting to shout it from the mountaintops. I don't like being a hidden secret. I _won't_ be one forever. I'm taking a job closer to home to deal with some family problems and at the end of the six month contract, we're going to move into just friends or more. I asked him if he wanted me to put that kernel of hope up, or to plant it, water it, and see if it grows.
Did I say that I love him? He was so honest. He's gentle about it, but he loves us both. He's not leaving her...he's "almost certain." (I read that as he's certain, but he doesn't want to hurt me.) He's also not willing to let me go. (And he acknowledges that he's being selfish...) Of course, he also knows that's not in his hands.
Now, I'm not quite ready to let go. And even if I were, he'll always be my Querido. I'll always love him and support him and be there for him. And when I do, he's still my best friend and co-writer. I just have to learn how to move this to a friendship, because in this world, that's what we have. I cherish that friendship. I _won't_ let it go.
Now, I know people on the other board advocate NC, and I can see where it should work, but that's not going to happen here. We've spent lifetimes chasing each other...sometimes we win out and we're together. Sometimes the three Sisters beat the sh*t out of us. I've watched him march off to battle. I've died giving birth to our child. I've lived a happy, fulfilling lifetime with him, watching our children and grandchildren grow.
I see women here who have thirty year relationships. I don't think I can do that. Or maybe I'm afraid that I can, but I'm not happy about it. I'm not good at keeping my feelings hidden and I resent the need. We're seeing each other Tuesday, and even with such mixed feelings, I can hardly wait. So, how do I move this into the right kind of relationship? I want what's best for all of us. Baby steps, folks...this is awfully raw.
Thanks for all the help.
Cazrida

you almost made me cry.
than as I read again trying to decide what to say, I did.
I wish I had any advice. All I know is my heart truly goes out to you. You are a strong, wonderful soul, in this life and in others no doubt.
Thank you for sharing this with us, with me. It's obviously very raw and intimate, and you're very kind to let us learn from your experience and beliefs.
rain
Thank-you, Rain.
I believe they call words like that "healing rain." ::soft smile:: Very appropriate.
If anyone had told me a year ago that I would hold the beliefs I hold today, that I would find myself here, or that I would have discovered my love and myself, I would have either thrown down or up. I've grown and learned _so_ much this year. It has been painful and exhilarating. I'm not the person I was, (and I wasn't half bad, then...LOL), but I'm truly proud to be the person I'm becoming. MM deserves much of the credit.
Of course, we all become more when we find our soul. Its gestalt. One plus one equals infinity.
If you want to talk about beliefs, please feel free to email me. I noticed that we seem to have reached a few similar conclusions. And of course, I'll be more than happy to be a friend when you need to rant, cry, or just share a laugh.
Again, thank-you. I'm going to be fine. I simply refuse to accept anything less, for myself and my family, or my Querido and his family. I'm just trying to get a handle on how best to move forward.
Cazrida
First of all, I competely understand your feelings about hiding your feelings, and about being worth having someone shouting from the tops of the tallest buildings. I am in a relationshp too, where he will not leave. My MM wife is ill, and quite honestly part of the love i have for this man is his unwaverely support for whomever is his friend, that does include his wife. They have been married for over 40 years, and while they are not lovers, they have children and grandchildren and have created a life together and she has given him all she could, it was not enough for him, not the right kind of love he needed, but she gave him her life and she deserves him with her now. He is so torn between his love for me and his responsibility to her, and i see the conflict in him every day.
All I can tell you is this.. you will know when it is right to move to just friends... I can tell just by your writing that you are strong and intelligent and capable of making a decision that is right for you, I can tellyou will not be a doormat for this man. You will know when you are strong enough and it is time, there is not timetable here, and baby steps are good things. I have tried, twice, to break off my relationship, went for 3 days the first time, 24 hours the 2nd. Told him both times he was being unfair, that i deserved to be first, that I deserve his total love and his complete world, not bits and pieces and lies and secrets. I told him he gets to be the good guy and stay with the ill wife and have my love to keep him going.. and none of it is fair. But...like you.. he is my best friend... i do not to NC well either. I hate living like this.. only my brother knows of him, he has several friends and all of his children know, several of his family, nieces, brother etc. But... I hate living without him also.. and i wont. If it has to be like this , then this is better than no contact. Please understand, I am a very capable and independant person, i have a wondeful job, plenty of friends, i enjoy other aspects of my life, but this man is whom Ive waited all my life for.
So... i dont know if that helps, but you will know when the time is right, and no one else will be able to tellyou that... and please do not feel guilty for not making that decision to move on. Right now, maybe this is the best way for this relationship to be.. in a few months.. or maybe 6months..or maybe a year.. you will know. Youre decision to hear in him that his "almost certain" he is not leaving is really "certain" is right, Ive had this discussion too, and at one point he said,"I know i said id never leave, but that was before you were my whole heart". Still, when push came to shove, when i gave him the ultimatum, he would not leave.
Love is one of those emotions know one can tell you how to feel, whats right for you and him would be wrong for someone else. In a way we are all in this alone, making decsions based on only what we know we feel.. and no one can truly tell you how that is but you.
It helps so much though, i know, to talk to someone, to journal and write and know there are others in the same boat. This board was a lifesaver for me 4 years ago, hope you find some comfort here too.
LB
Well, just to update everyone, this weekend I've:
1) Told a few of our friends that MM and I have decided to be friends and co-writers. (This will go through our group like wildfire.)
2) Told MM the same.
3) Stayed offline for most of the weekend. I left my cell in my purse as well.
4) Kept my emails down to two, and basically friendly and conversational.
5) Had a bar-b-que.
6) Spent time with my family.
MM just got online and asked me where I was today. (We usually talk on the cell on Sun afternoons). Again, I kept things pretty light and simple. I talked about my family and what we were doing, work, etc.
I'm still meeting him on Tuesday. He sounds like he can't wait to talk with me tomorrow and to see me on Tuesday.
::sigh:: Truth is, I'm pretty sure that he can't. I know I can't. I'm trying so hard to just accept that we're going to be friends and that anything more is out of the question. His position on Friday was that it didn't matter what I wanted to call our relationship, he wasn't going to let me go. (Trust me, he's serious.)
I did ask him what made him think he could stop me. LOL Of course, I remember a conversation we had less than a year ago when I firmly stated, and _meant_, that "I don't play with MM."
I guess I was right, too. There isn't much play in this.
I didn't tell him that its over, because I know I'm not quite there, yet. I don't believe in making threats. But without telling him, I'm trying to move things in the right direction. I won't be in his town as much. Two weeks from now, (or so), I'll be here most of the time, there only one or two days a week, at most.
And I'll have to make myself come home, because you know what its like...
I hate thinking like this, but if I don't ease myself out gradually and replace it with the right kind of relationship, he'll be back in hunter mode, and frankly, I'm not sure I can resist him, then. ::blushes::
I guess the really hard part of all of this are two facts:
1. I'm having a hard time telling myself that this is wrong. I can't give him much more than we have now, anyway...and (age old justification), if his W doesn't know, then she's not being hurt, right? _Right._
2. If she finds out and leaves, he'll be on my doorstep in a hot minute. I _know_ this.
I would never tell her, or knowingly give her any way of finding out about us. That's just not me. If he doesn't leave her for the right reasons, we'll pay for it. Not good. And if he's happy with her, then he needs to be there. I want him to be happy.
Its a real shocker to me. I could be happy with what we have if I didn't have to sneak around and hide. But we do. And I'm not. And I'm thinking myself dizzy.
But I'm still seeing him Tuesday.
Again, I'm open to any suggestions.
I just love him. You know?
Cazrida