S and involved with MM for over 3 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
S and involved with MM for over 3 years
19
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 3:20pm

Hi everyone, I'm glad I found this group. I am S (well, D for 5 years now) and been in a R with a MM (no kids) from work for over 3 years now. We've been through it all and it is a LDR (we get to see each other a couple of weeks a month), and somehow are still together and even more in love than ever. He has made me feel so good, and hurt me so deeply; no one has ever touched my very essence as he has. We never fight except for the 'M' situation... I have dated other men on and off during the A, but no one ever seemed to fit the bill. I dumped him last summer for 'good'; got involved with a single man in a 'proper' relationship, MM would try to contact me from time to time but I always unleashed a torrent of hurt feelings on him for doing it; obviously I wasn't over him. Anyway long story short 5 months later I got rid of single guy in part because I wasn't over the MM; things heated up again and he said the 'separation period' cemented our relationship and he now is convinced that I am 'The One'. For some (valid) reasons he can't leave W until this summer (and of course it is sooooo complicated in his head); in the meantime I have no patience and I am going crazy - basically just fed up of being the OW...

So to make matters worse during the time that I dumped him he booked a vacation with W to shut her up; he was upfront about it with me when we got back together and it was all booked and paid for he couldn't back out of it (it's not one of those romantic vacations, it's a group sport vacation) so now he is gone there and I am soooo sad... I cry every day... I told him I would talk to him only when he got back which I think was better, or else I know he would be texting me every day and sneaking calls which would make me even sadder since it is a constant reminder.

Anyway I have no idea how to manage my emotions and quit hurting myself; I try keeping the noise level low, but when I don't talk to him and stay away my heart is broken and I miss him so much; when we get too emotionally involved (endless calling and texting) my heart breaks because we can't be together (for now, I guess - and of course I can't assume anything until it actually happens...) so my heart hurts all the time.

Anyone else BTDT? How did you manage the relationship? Part of me wants to get him out of my life for good; and part of me wants him to follow through on what he wants to do and be with me. I don't know which part I should listen to.

Thanks for listening...

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 6:53pm

Hi trixie....


I feel your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 9:18am
Higirl I know you took some harsh posting back in the day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 11:07am

Higirl I am so sorry for the way things turned out for you. Thanks for sharing your story. Bad karma will follow him with misery... I am sure he thinks about you every day. I pray that you find an awesome S man, you deserve it after what this cad did to you.

My MM is on the other side of the world now on his vacation and he took the time to answer an old, unimportant email I had sent to him last week with a link to a house I was interested in, apologized for not seeing it sooner bla bla bla. I guess he was looking for anything where he could contact me (I told him I would only talk to him when he got back and ignored texts he sent me before leaving). I only answered that I would be visiting it this w/e, nothing more, and ignored his reply. I'm keeping busy with other stuff, writing about it here really helps.

I want to keep LC with him until he is able to start changing things in his life, then if I see there is no effort towards that then out he goes. LC makes it easier to not get my hopes up too high, only to have them come crashing down...

The LC option was brought up by me to him - he proposed instead that it be a one-way contact; basically I can call him anytime to talk if I am sad, lonely, bummed or anything but otherwise he would leave me alone. He's been respecting it about 80% of the time.

hugs to all

trix xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 1:03pm

Thanks btrue.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 6:37pm

Hi trixie!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 7:09pm

hey trixie..i wont tell you to move on but i will give you a hug....as i am still healing from my hurt..thats the most i can offer and say...as long as you take care of you...you will feel better about everything that comes your way...being in an affair is trying, overwhelming and heartbreaking at times.....just take time out for yourself and try to be easy....


((HUGS))

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 9:04am

Gosh you ladies are awesome... I am so grateful I can talk to people who have been thru this.

MM and W don't hang out much together, they have 2 houses and he travels for business 2-3 weeks a month. All of his friends know abt me and I have met 2 of them. His best friend keeps bugging him to get rid of W and go after what he really wants (me). During our NC 'separation period' last fall he got really depressed for months and his best friend told him to snap out of it and realize that it was b/c he was missing me too much... same for me but I wouldn't admit it. He keeps saying 'We love each other, we'll sort it out'. Doesn't mean much, does it.

I am ignoring his 'miss you' texts so far. Just seems insulting given the situation, lol. I did email him about the status of my house, it was friendly but neutral and he was happy I emailed him and tried to get me to write back but I didn't bite. I am NOT opening the door for a blow-by-blow account of his trip (Basically, he acts like I am his spouse and I get the whole account of everything going on in his life all the time, including the whining and complaining. Sucks sometimes since I am not actually 'in' his life. But I pretty much do the same to him.)

Dissecting emails - lol. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it. Human relations are so complicated.

big hugs to everyone,

trix xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 11:57pm

I too, am S w/ a MM. We were together for a year, and we both left our spouses for each other. Due to a case of temporary insanity on my part, we broke up, and he went back w/ the W. We were separated for 6 yrs., but because we have a child together we saw each other regularly. He tried many times to rekindle our R, but I refused. I also didn't date or see anyone else during those 6 yrs. I love him so much that I just couldn't imagine being w/ anyone else.

So, a little over a year ago we got back together, and agreed on a move out date right away. Well, as the time got closer he asked for a 3 month extension, and I said no. After about 2 1/2 months I caved, and took him back. I was SO friggin depressed, and was teetering on the edge there for a minute, so I know about the pain that you speak of.

The pain is indescribable, and all encompassing. It is relentless, and debilitating. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to take him back. If I could have went NC, I MIGHT have made it, but because he wants to see his son regularly I have to remain in frequent contact w/ him.

After I left him, he promised to be out by the end of March. I was very unsure about this, and it was killing me to not know what way things were going to go. Thankfully, I can say that I have tried to change my focus, and to brace myself so that if things don't go my way, I won't be rocked as hard. I believe that he really loves me, and when he says that he wants the 3 of us to be a family I pray that he means it. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I am delusional, but one things for sure, I will soon find out.

I really hope that you are able to go through this long and arduous journey w/ as few bumps in the road as possible. I know that things must be incredibly difficult for you, and you are probably wondering if it will ever get any better. Even though it may not seem this way now, it WILL get better. I know that this is an old cliche but, time does heal all wounds, and it will heal yours too. The problem is waiting for it to happen. I pray that you have the strength to get through this w/ your sanity still intact. We are here if you need us.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 10:19am

Hi Justice, Wow your message really hit home, thanks so much for writing and telling me your story.

Do you think I should ask him for a firmer 'date'? I have a time limit in my mind, if he doesn't make a move by July I am out for good. Should I tell him this? He is so tormented in his mind over this, he's convinced he wants to be with me but the thought of going thru the whole D process is 'killing' him. Money is not the issue, they are wealthy and have no kids. I hate putting more pressure on him but I feel that I have a right not to be strung along forever... I am not willing to put more time on this if it is going nowhere, and I feel that July is enough time to at least start moving things along towards D. It's been over 3 years!!! :-(

I'm still maintaining LC. I told him 2 weeks ago that I wanted to 'put our relationship on a shelf' until he starts moving things along with D. It's been going pretty well, he tried to get me to phone him yesterday but I turned off my text message alarm (he is pretty much the only person who texts me) so I missed it, thank God or else I would have been totally tormented. It makes it easier to ignore all his texts, I never check my phone. He still sends me emails with all his little sweet nicknames for me bla bla bla but he doesn't get any 'sweet' emails back.

It's REALLY, really hard but I am so not turning the heat up again until he moves his butt. I am done with being in an A.

hugs to you,

trix xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 2:30pm

I'm glad that sharing my story w/ you helped. Now, I'm going to go out on a limb w/ this one. Take what you want from it, and leave the rest.

I read in this weekly email that I get about relationships, and how females should handle the issues that we face ( these are regular Rs, not As), and that it is a bad idea to issue ultimatums to men. It makes them feel pressured, misunderstood, and can force them into making decisions that they might be sorry for later, which can lead to reneging on their decision, or resentment that they were forced to decide before they were ready. So this is what I suggest you do.....

In the near future tell your MM that you are feeling emotionally neglected, and that in order for you to get your emotional needs met you are going to begin to date other men, say by August. But put it to him in a way that more explains what your needs, and desires are, and less about making him make a choice by a certain date. The newsletter said that when you communicate w/ them that it is more about what you need, and less about what they aren't doing, then it doesn't make them feel pressured or bullied in which case they don't feel resentment about making a move that would hopefully be in the right direction, IE: your way.

Now you sound a lot like me, in that your feelings for AP are incredibly strong, so dating was not a option that I could live w/. It's very hard to sit there and pretend that I want to get to know someone when ALL I could think about was AP.

Therefore, I propose that you tell AP that you'll start dating by August, but rather you do or don't is up to you. As long as he thinks it's true it will have it's desired effect. Now, I realize that this sounds like a lot of game playing, and maybe it is, but whatever you call it, call it effective. I know that my AP is very disturbed by the fact that I am "dating," but can't say too much because of the situation, but you better cool believe that he asks ALL the time about my "dates." That's very out of character for him. He's Mr. Smooth, and doesn't let me know when things bother him. He did say that this has been a learning experience for him, and when I asked him what he learned he said "I learned that if I don't do the right thing, you aren't going to stick around, and I don't want that." I really think that he is leaving this time. He is just acting so different, and is really communicating w/ me. I could be wrong, who knows, but I don't think so.

So, after you have effectively given the impression that your dating (if you're really not) then after August explain once again that your life is not really where you want it to be, and that you need to commit to someone, be it him or your new found BF. Just pile it on about what you need, not what he better do, and tell him that YOU are going to make a decision about the end of September or whatever time frame you want. This way you have given him the full summer to act, allowing you to see that he either really wants to be w/ you, or he's full of crap. This way you have no doubt in your mind that you gave him long enough. Not only did you give him a warning bell via the decision to date other men, but you also later told him that you were going to make a solid choice about who you were going to choose, and that if his situation hadn't changed by the time that you make your choice then he has essentially made your choice for you.

I don't know if that plan is something that is going to work for you, or if you really want to give it that much effort, but I have to say that so far it's really working for me. BUT everybody is different. What works for me, may not work for you, but I thought I would throw it out there, and see if you wanted to try it. Good luck w/ whatever you choose. Keep me posted as to what happens.

Justice

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