S and involved with MM for over 3 years
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| Thu, 02-05-2009 - 3:20pm |
Hi everyone, I'm glad I found this group. I am S (well, D for 5 years now) and been in a R with a MM (no kids) from work for over 3 years now. We've been through it all and it is a LDR (we get to see each other a couple of weeks a month), and somehow are still together and even more in love than ever. He has made me feel so good, and hurt me so deeply; no one has ever touched my very essence as he has. We never fight except for the 'M' situation... I have dated other men on and off during the A, but no one ever seemed to fit the bill. I dumped him last summer for 'good'; got involved with a single man in a 'proper' relationship, MM would try to contact me from time to time but I always unleashed a torrent of hurt feelings on him for doing it; obviously I wasn't over him. Anyway long story short 5 months later I got rid of single guy in part because I wasn't over the MM; things heated up again and he said the 'separation period' cemented our relationship and he now is convinced that I am 'The One'. For some (valid) reasons he can't leave W until this summer (and of course it is sooooo complicated in his head); in the meantime I have no patience and I am going crazy - basically just fed up of being the OW...
So to make matters worse during the time that I dumped him he booked a vacation with W to shut her up; he was upfront about it with me when we got back together and it was all booked and paid for he couldn't back out of it (it's not one of those romantic vacations, it's a group sport vacation) so now he is gone there and I am soooo sad... I cry every day... I told him I would talk to him only when he got back which I think was better, or else I know he would be texting me every day and sneaking calls which would make me even sadder since it is a constant reminder.
Anyway I have no idea how to manage my emotions and quit hurting myself; I try keeping the noise level low, but when I don't talk to him and stay away my heart is broken and I miss him so much; when we get too emotionally involved (endless calling and texting) my heart breaks because we can't be together (for now, I guess - and of course I can't assume anything until it actually happens...) so my heart hurts all the time.
Anyone else BTDT? How did you manage the relationship? Part of me wants to get him out of my life for good; and part of me wants him to follow through on what he wants to do and be with me. I don't know which part I should listen to.
Thanks for listening...


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Hi Justice,
Thanks for writing, this is excellent info. Yes my feelings for MM are very strong and have not wavered in 3 years. However in the first year or 2 of the A he said he didn't know if he would ever D so along with seeing him I forced myself to date other men so I didn't feel like I was wasting my time (my brain forced me, my heart wasn't really into it). He always said he knew he had no right to ask for exclusivity, but to not tell him anything about it. I posted earlier today in the 'on the fence' section about this. It drives him nuts when I date other guys. When we got back together after a 5-month split last fall (during which I attempted an exclusive R with a SM) he said it was serious this time, he was motivated to change things and asked me not to date anyone else (and promised me no physical involvement with W)
I have respected this so far and have not dated. The first month after we got together was like heaven, we were so into each other but then his 'guilt' started setting in, guilt over not being able to give me his 100% mostly (per him) and some guilt over D and his family (no kids). So he started withdrawing emotionally and I freaked. This is when I started LC - I figured it would give him space to figure things out, and to miss me. Also I don't want him to get too comfortable in the A situation again, he is very dependent on me for his emotional well-being and got really depressed when we were separated last fall.
But I think that bringing up dating other M by this summer is a good idea. In 2 months he will be technically 'free' to start making moves towards D so I will watch and wait and if no moves at all I will bring it up. I will keep you posted - please do the same as I am very interested in seeing how your situation will sort itself out.
hugs,
trix
Hi trixie,
Would you like to hear a mans point of vie for another opinion?. First off, it must be very difficuly for you being S and him MM. Not ideal but reality right? I am a MM in an A w/ MW. We both have something to lose and risk. But, with him being on vacation it hurts you. Be strong and stay busy. But, you know he's married for now. You know what you got yourself in to. So why would it bother you that he's on vaction? If you are meant to be, nothing he does with his wife on vaca or real life will matter.
I say this because my AP goes absolutely crazy when I go out of town with wife. She just can't even stop thinking about us. I don't care that she goes away with her hubby cause I know they really don't love each other. What do I have to worry about? So why do you worry when he's away?
As far as this summer, absolutely he has to make a move. Be careful with ultimatums becasue they usually push us (men)away, But there are times when you have to lay down the law. Tell him you love him and don't want to waste any more of YOUR lives being apart. He will be much more receptive to that. Any of this make sense?
Amexdm
Hi Amex,
Thanks for writing to me and I appreciate your point of view. You are absolutely right. He doesn't love her I know that. I didn't go ballistic on him, when I felt like melting down I just stayed away from contacting him. It's just that I find it insulting to me (low self-esteem thing I guess), and also he doesn't take me anywhere for an extended period of time (scared to be found out) so of course I am jealous. So I am pretty much the one hurting myself, huh.
Not sure about telling him that 'I don't want to waste any more of our lives apart'. I don't think he will buy into that. He's not one for change and he is terrified of changing his life even though he tells me it's what he really wants, it took him 3 years and being dumped for 5 months to be convinced I am the One for him. I keep looking for the words 'Don't worry, it's just a matter of time until we're together' and I am not getting them... no assurance. He just says 'We love each other, we'll sort it out'. That is so vague - what does it mean in Man-speak, lol.
trixie
trix,
We love each other, we'll sort it out means he's stalling in manspeak. You've been together for 3 years? Sound like you love each other. But you'll have to pick a time when you decide you have to make a decision about YOUR life. Like your response to Lessons Learned post by the way. Read mine, just added it.
A
So, when you say that he will be free in two months, is that because that's when he told you that he was leaving her, and moving out? If he doesn't leave are you prepared to cut him off completely, or are you going to give him more time? What is your contingency plan if he doesn't leave?
I can so understand you when you say that you forced yourself to date, but it was your logical side not your emotional side that made you do it. It was the same exact thing w/ me. But because AP didn't know the whole story (that I found dating other men nauseating) He told me that I was making a mistake because I was making a decision based on emotions when this is strictly a financial issue. He said that he wanted to stay long enough to buy another house, and not rent an apartment, so that there was also room for my 18yr. old daughter. I was appreciative of the fact that he took her into consideration, at least that was what he said. So, he said he could do it by the end of March. We shall see, but I have a really good feeling about this this time.
Oh trust me, you and EVERYBODY on this board will know what happens come the end of March!! Either I will come here w/ my heart smashed to pieces, or I will e-skip through my entire post announcing that he did what he said he was going to do, and I feel like I hit the lottery. One way or another, my friends on here will know where things are headed. After all, I could have NEVER made it through so many dark days w/o the love, and support I got here at MAS. I just hope that I can return the favor to someone else one day. And please do keep me posted!
Justice
Hi Trixie -
You have gotten some great input on your situation.
Hi Justice,
That is so cool, at least your MM is making definite plans! Looks like at least you have a light at the end of the tunnel soon!!! I will keep you in my positive vibes :-)
In a couple of mos MM will have the freedom to tell W that he wants out of their M without risking some heavy financial losses for his family. So basically for me (or for him, lol) the clock starts ticking... I expect my patience to run out by this summer; if I see no actions on his part I am out for good, I can't live like this for much longer and he knows it; I will feel like I gave it my best shot and it just wasn't meant to be. As much as I love him, this R has taken a very heavy toll on my self-esteem. He does not want to talk about our future at all except to say that he wants to grow old with me and I am the love of his life. Nothing concrete, he is so afraid of 'setting expectations'. Gee I wish he would grow a pair, you know... lol
Honestly I think my chances of this turning out my way are maybe 70-30 against me, he just keeps talking about how scared he is about change so I am not really optimistic. I will be very pleasantly surprised if it actually happens. Thank you for your support :-)
trix xo
Thanks tgrbabe for your support and for sharing your story :) As I mentioned to Justice, before now he was unable to tell W that he wants out because of family financial reasons (which I accepted). So I kept feeling that if I dumped him before now, I will never know 'how it could have turned out', you know... But now that he will be able to get into action mode soon, I will give him until this summer to show some type of concrete action, or else well, I gave it an honest shot and I will be ready to part ways for good. I will not wait around for years for him to get off the fence and he knows it, I just can't deal with it anymore.
I am a serial A person. During my very unhappy marriage I had seven APs. I left my ex-H for my last AP and we lived together for 2 years then parted ways amicably. And now for the past 3 years I am the OW of a MM. I just want STOP getting myself into these A situations and have a happy monogamous marriage one day. I still have hope that this is possible. After this one, never again!! is what I promised myself.
hugs,
trix xo
Thanks for the reality check amex :) yeah I know he's stalling and I appreciate you saying it!! lol
:-)
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