Sad and need a shoulder or advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sad and need a shoulder or advice
7
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 1:13pm
It been a long time since I've been here. Since I got such great advice before I thought I'd ask for your help again. I'm really upset right now and it just makes me happy to know that I can "cry" here.

Briefly, I am a single woman with a MM for the past year (in fact today is our "anniversary"-which I'm sure he knows but never mentioned.). We have been off and on several times with only one "constant" 3 months last winter. He can't stay away, nor can I. It is mostly sexual but there are a lot of feelings and similarities that we share that we just don't discuss because then in his eyes "it would be too much like a relationship". His marriage is just fine, it's just lacking in the bedroom. He will never leave and I believe that….tooooo much to lose. We see each other everyday on a business level though we don't always communicate. Recently we've been toying with being back on.

Last week there was a bit of a snafu in my email software (I accidentally blocked him---ooops) and I thought he was ignoring my email. I, for the first time ever, got a bee in my bonnet and turned him down for a lunch time tryst. He followed me home on lunch (first time ever). Seems like a bit of attitude goes a long way. We spent very little time together but I did ask him why he came. He said that "we've been flirting with the on-again-off-again thing". The next day, last Friday, he was excellent. Emailing me all day….wanted a good bye kiss. Come Monday, he ignored my email asking him to check to make sure my unblock worked. When there was no answer, I asked if he was ignoring me. Since then I have received nothing but one word answers and no initiated contact. WHAT THE EVER-LOVING HECK?

I had asked him to do something today (last Friday is when I asked) and he told me he'd let me know this week. NOT A WORD. I left for the day a bit ago and said and emailed nothing. In fact the last time I even looked at him was Wednesday. I found he parked next to me (his little sign to me). I just don't get it. I have been seriously toying with just ending it which is why I copped my first attitude. I think he may be trying to "show" me that attitude will not always work when I got my second one on Tuesday. Whatever the case may be, I just want the upper hand right now so that I can feel more comfortable in doing this. I really do love him and it might just confuse me more if he does return to being normal.

I guess my question is….what should I do. I can still email him upto later this afternoon….or should just ignore him until he comes back around? History tells me that if I ignore him too long he gets stressed out by the "standoff" and has second thoughts. I know that these are a bunch of games but at this point I'm just so stressed out because of him…. I hope that makes sense! (hopefully I didn't leave anything important out)

Any suggestions are fully appreciated. Thanks so much for reading my story!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 1:28pm
WELL... that's funny, you basically have my EXACT story, I could have typed that post. In fact I think I'm going to copy and paste that whenever someone asks my story (LOL)!

And this is what I do. I email him again... I sit around and debate emailing him all day, I say no don't do it be strong, but then I crumble and email him. Most of the time he emails me back and it's like nothing is wrong. I swear half the time that he won't talk to me for a day or two, I flip out, thinking he doesn't like me ect, and then when we talk again everything is fine. It's like he has no clue we just didn't talk for two days. And fridays are a killer.... we will flirt and talk and email all day on fridays and then I swear mondays its like he doesn't even know who I am. It is a total pattern with him that I've gotten used too. Maybe having the weekend with his family makes him hesitant on Monday to continue the affair.. I don't know.

Lately I swear I have just taken the attitude.... whatever! Nevermind his little issues, his mind games, lack of emotions, or whatever... I know we are happy together, he cares for me, and this is the way it's going to be. I can't change him, it's like the past year I was looking to have my picture of an ideal affair, well that's not real, the past 13 months I've been in OUR affair and it's not changing.

..... Gotta love the parking next to me thing, it's like our own cute little thing....

:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 1:29pm
hi sweet. i'm sorry you're feeling stressed out by the R. if you're that stressed out and upset, it's obviously more about emotions than sex. at least on your part from what i gather of your post.

your MM is scared. he's pulling back because you're so intense one minute and distant the next. there is no "control" in a R, just game-playing which is what you're doing. be honest with yourself and him. let him know you're upset when he ditches your plans and/or doesn't return messages (via email or phone). don't scream and yell, just talk to him and tell him how you feel about the "mixed" signals, which in turn, makes you a little crazy and thus the "attitude." once again, honesty is the best policy. it only hurts for a minute and usually gets communication between the parties flowing.

try it. what do you have to lose.

good luck and let us know what happens.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 1:38pm
Thank you sooo much!

You are right, I have nothing to lose...in fact last week I was thinking of being COMPLETELY honest with him (my true feelings about everything) which would be like pulling the trigger for good~ He'd run like there was fire chasing him.

I was debating telling him next week how his actions made me feel this week but I just know that he will pull away again and I'm not ready for HIM to do that to me again. He tends to retreat when he senses that emotions are becoming too much (with him or me). He has cited that as the reason for every breakup.

UGH. maybe I should just leave it alone until Monday.....even if I emailed him today with something nice I'm sure I'd get a one word answer.

Men!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 1:40pm
We should email: sweetgrapes99@aol.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 1:56pm
sweet, did you two discuss "rules" at the start of your R? was it just sex and nothing more since you say he is happily married? whatever the reasons at the start, every R changes. if he runs away when you let him know how you feel, let him. you cannot hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held. i know you're single and "in love" with your MM but seriously, stick up for what you need. if he's unable or unwilling to give you what little you ask of him, why stay in the R?? you can get sex anywhere.

sorry to be so blunt, but i just feel you're chasing a dream and trying to make more of his commitment to the R than there is.

yes leave it alone until monday or tuesday. do anything and everything this weekend to amuse yourself - shopping for killer shoes, going to the pool (or beach, if possible), happy hour with girlfriends, whatever. read a good book if none of that appeals to you.

stop the merry-go-round for now. let him come to you for a chance.

just my opinion.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 2:01pm
I just emailed you.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 10:45pm
Sweet grapes, honey, I can see you're emotions are running high at the moment and I don't want to bring you down more, but you need to listen to what this man is telling you. One phrase in your post really jumpes right out there and screams something, but you're not hearing it. Maybe you don't want to hear it because you love this man, and you want him to love you the same. And I know how much it hurts when love is unrequited. But it hurts more the longer we let it drag on hoping he, or the situation, will change. It rarely does.

When he tells you: "it would be too much like a relationship" if you discussed your feelings, what he's saying is that he does not want an intimately emotional relationship with you. He wants his sexual needs fulfilled. End of story. Unfortunately, men seem to be able to interact on a sexual level without necessarily becoming emotionally involved with their sexual partner. Women, on the other hand, tend to fall in love with the men they share their body with. It's one of those sad ironies of life.

Honey, you need to let this man go and find someone who wants the same things you do. Someone who wants to share the whole of themselves with you, not just their bodies.