Sad today

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Sad today
7
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 9:56am
I've had an eventful twelve hours or so and now I'm just sad. I feel like I need to vent. Without going into too many details, MM and his W are having a big blowout right now over something that's really pretty stupid. Yesterday morning we had the phone sex thing but right after the phone sex and then when I saw him late in the day he was all weird. I thought he was embarassed and he kind of implied he was, but who knows. Right before we left all seemed fine but then this morning I found out he and W are fighting and he's pretty upset about it. I think at first maybe he was fine with it but aside from the phone sex, which he'd predetermined he was going to do from the time he learned he was going to be home alone, he was pretty tense yesterday and I'm beginning to think maybe the fight with her is the reason why. He was more tense than ever this morning and said he might be weird today but not to take it too personally. I told him if he needed his space, that was okay, and that I wouldn't come around but he insisted he wants to see me. So I hinted later in the conversation if he wanted me to back off and just be friendly but not flirty that would be fine but he said he actually would prefer I be as I always am. Still, I can tell he's really distracted by this and when I'm flirty and he's distracted, it ends up being pretty embarassing! My pride just gets all crushed. All I can really do is just be there for him -- be the POSITIVE in his life. I did tell him that I can't stand to see him all tense like he is today. There's only one other time I've seen him that tense and that ended up being the first time I realized how much I cared about him. I wanted to just hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay. I told him that again today...that I hate to see him suffer and he said, "You wish you could take my pain away." He remembered I said that to him a couple of months ago, so I think it meant a lot to him. So I guess I'll just take my clues from him today and be there for him and listen and if I sense something I say or do isn't going well, I'll back off. It's so hard, knowing how to handle men, isn't it?! Especially moody, sensitive ones.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 10:11am
Hi Lilah iv

I just want to give you some hugs to make it through today. Tomorrow will probably be totally back to normal. Hang in there.

Hugs !

Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:17am
You don't know how much your post meant to me. I just called him at our usual designated time and he didn't answer. It broke my heart a little. Then I came here and read your post and it brought tears to my eyes. I'm looking at possibly not seeing him until late this afternoon now and I just needed that little pick-me-up. Thank you so much. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:24am
Wow - it looks like you're going thru some pretty tough times.

Hang in there, I think you're doing the right thing by looking for clues to decide on how to be around MM...but you may want to give him some space even though he hasn't asked for it. You're already on his mind and nothing's going to change that so once he sorts things out for himself you can pick up from where you left off - without having to deal with his mood swings. Just my two cents..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:40am
No, this is just par for the course. He just got called away on some business-related thing. He's the guy they grab any time they need help with anything and he can't really help it. So on any given day I could see him twice or not at all or just once. We're kind of at the mercy of our environment, since we're trying to hide this. Still... I know it may be my paranoia but it seems to me when things are going well between us (in other words, he's really wrapped up in me), he VERY RARELY misses our designated times. It's like he goes the extra mile to make sure he's at his desk. He says that's not the case; that there's no connection. It just hurts when I don't get to see him, by his choice or not. All we would have had was a stupid 15-minute conversation about nothing in particular, so it's no big deal. It just hurts when it happens. It's FAR better for it to happen in the morning than in the afternoon, though. I hate going home for the day or (God forbid!) the weekend without seeing him one last time. Even though it's just a short conversation... Some days I feel trapped, like I'm just waiting by the phone. I HATE that feeling. Does anyone else go through that? I just want to get out and let him try to call and not be here. I guess that's a pride thing... I've never talked about it before. Last summer when it first started happening I would have loved to have been able to come here and know others were going through what I was going through but I didn't know about this group. So I'd sit at my desk, feeling like my heart was being squeezed. If nothing else, posting here has helped me forget about the phone for a few minutes! Anyway, the interesting thing is we're having this thing at work that about half the people are going to but I'm not. (Didn't feel like hanging out with a bunch of people who spread rumors about me all the time!) He's possibly going, at least to hang out for a few minutes, and he probably thinks I'm going. He's probably figuring he'll see me there, no big deal. I'm having a little fun envisioning him standing there, trying to look around for me but not really being able to make it obvious. Then I never show up and disappointment sets in... I must be evil, but my that's fun! And when he asks why I wasn't there, I'm gonna say, "I didn't tell you I wasn't going? Oh, I guess I forgot. Well, you never asked..." I'll end up trying to call him right after lunch and he won't be at his desk and I'll have no idea what's going on. He's just so darned unpredictable, and he pulls this same crap with his wife too. Hardly ever has time for her. I don't know how he thinks he could have time for an affair with such a busy schedule!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 12:13pm
I have the same problem as you I guess. My MM is very difficult though, he is loving one minute and serious the next. Alot of mood changes. But it seems to me that he always pull through for you though, I don't know. Hang in there though, I wish I can say the same for myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 12:20pm
yes BTDT not only with FWOB but in a prior relationship. With FWOB, the only thing that has helped is motivating myself to get out of work thinking about the really good book that's waiting for me at home to read or the really good movie that i want to watch, etc so I can find the will power to stop waiting for his phone call or for him to stop by - and i know that its easier said than done but i've done it. And i have been none the worse for it - FWOB will eventually seek me out since we do work together, if nothing else then for work. You're thinking on the right track about the get together after work - if you go it will spread even more rumors if MM shows up and seeks you out and talks to you - you have everything to gain by not going and he will seek you out when he has the time - remember, you are on (or in the back of) his mind and nothing will change that. but men are like that - and i think that its something wrong with their species in their ability to deal with and maintain emotional attachment to the extent women do. it could also be that u'r MM is trying to use his work as an excuse to get some space without sepcifically asking you or your wife to give him some.

wow i sound like a pro - trust me i'm far from it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 3:02pm
I'm SO glad to have found others who go through what I go through. I felt so alone for so much of this A. The get-together was at lunch and I'm not sure if he went or not. I ran into someone who went and was trying to ask who was there, but he never mentioned MM's name specifically and I of course couldn't ask directly. Whoever recommended I give MM some space, I'm definitely taking that advice. I had decided early on that after lunch I'd try to call but over lunch I was thinking about it, and I decided space is what I'm giving him. He knows my number, knows where I am, if he needs me. If there's one thing I've learned from "Men Are From Mars...," it's not to wait around for him to come out of his funk because if I do it'll just make him withdraw further in. Sometimes when this has happened I've thought about just taking the rest of the day off and going shopping or something...something for me. I've never done that, though. I feel like it would be a liberating feeling, just walking out and not caring if the phone rings or not. I would feel empowered somehow... I can't do that today, though. Sometimes I go out for a little walk for a while when it's nice outside. That helps me feel less trapped. When this starts happening, my tendency is to want to play hard to get but he's told me repeatedly that he needs me most when he's going through rough times. (In other words, he wants me to call like I do during good times...) But I just can't bring myself to keep calling and calling, knowing he's not going to answer. You're right...I'm going to focus on the weekend. Focus on H and how much he loves me and the great time I had with him last night. Focus on the great meals I'll be eating this weekend. I'll be seeing MM at the gym tomorrow anyway for a brief time, so it's not like I'll go a whole weekend without him and besides, Monday's just around the corner, right? Maybe I should resolve not to see him again and if it happens, I'll be pleasantly surprised. Honestly, once the weekend kicks in and I'm away from here, I'm usually 100% A-OK. Have you guys found that too? It's not completely an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing, but sort of. It's like once I've resolved that I'm not going to see or talk to him for however many hours, I turn my attention to my weekend and I'm fine. It wasn't that way for the first couple of months but it is now. You know what's funny? You guys are going to think I'm weird but on my PC I have loaded about 60 or 70 songs from my CDs. Whenever things are going bad, the first thing I do is move the song that reminds MM of me down to the bottom so it doesn't play. Then I move to the top a bunch of songs about moving on after a breakup or how love may seem like it's going bad but often it turns around when you least expect it. That's what I've just done. I've got the songs going now. One of the primary songs is Shania Twain's "For Ever and For Always," which is the song I play to remind myself that H is who I'm going to grow old with. Problem is, every time that song plays tears come to my eyes which really isn't a good thing to have happen at work. Anyway, it helps me because it's like with that one song gets me thinking about H instead of MM. The odd thing is...I know you're right. I know he's thinking about me even if he's going through a tough time or needs space, but why isn't that enough. Why do I have to see evidence of it to believe it? Besides, I just plain miss him when I don't get to see him.