Sad/Confused..and I do not want to leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sad/Confused..and I do not want to leave
14
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:01pm

I have read a lot of stories on here about individual affairs and relationships and have read a lot of good advice. I am ready to post mine on here in the hopes that someone on here can relate and/or has any good advice. I'm just to the point where I'm so sad, lost, confused and do not know what to do or think anymore. I'll try to give the shorter version...

My affair stated about 5 1/2 years ago at work. Other man was married with baby and one on the way and I was engaged. (my marriage has since ended in divorce due to my own choosing.) We worked together for about 3 1/2 years and kept up the affair until we both switched jobs for fear we can't work together and be together down the road...

In sum, we have continued our affair for 5 out of the 5 1/2 years that we have known each other. I ended my marriage last year for my own reasons and not because of the other man. I felt it was not fair or right to hold my ex or myself in a marriage when it was all wrong. Although I loved my ex, I was not in love with him nor do I believe he was in love with me. Time had run its course and it would have been selfish for me to hold him to our marriage especially since we never had children together.

Other man has three children, the oldest is not biologically his but he treats her as his own. He has always told me his marriage was over way before he even met me but that the children have kept him married. I have heard countless times every year how "things are going to be different" which I find hard to believe because I can only "see" so much. I am not there in the house he shares with his wife to know what is going on. I can only just sit back and trust his word on what he says...He says if it was just him and her he would have been gone a long time ago but he is deathly afraid of losing his children and that I don't understand that because in my divorce I never had children. What I do understand is that he is holding our lives, mine, his wife, and all his children's lives on hold on the fence while he tries everyday to figure out a way to leave the marriage. I believe that is a selfish thing to do and that it's lying to everyone everyday and sooner or later the children are going to pick up on it. He of course gets slightly defensive of it because I am not a mother.

We had a long talk a few months ago and agreed that we just needed to get through these holiday months so he could enjoy one last Christmas as a family. He said it had nothing to do with her and the marriage but he wanted this to be a X-mas his children could enjoy before the war at home started. he traveled with his wife and children back to his hometown because "the children wanted her there and so did his nieces, etc" He made it out like it was the last X-mas they might get to see her. I fought hard to bite my tongue and backed off. We barely made it through the holidays but we survived. I am ready to really start seeing some progress or him to get off the fence and stop these lies with everyone. I understand because of the children at stake his divorce cannot be about an affair.

I finally had a major breakdown last week and told him he has GOT to do something. The holidays are over...stop finding excuses. He comes over to my house all the time, spends so much great quality time with me, then leaves all depressed to go home to his "hellhole" and wishes he could stay here. I'm sick of him leaving...it is making me depressed. He said he is doing the best he can to find a way to be with me and his children. I have tried to explain to him that his children will always be his children and will always be there but he is so attached to them that he would rather be miserable at home just to see his kids everyday. Yet he is afraid he is going to lose me too.

I don't know what to do. If i was not in love with him I would have left a long time ago. I would never let a man treat me like this but I love him and I know he loves me. He has a lot of issues right now and I am thankful he has just started counseling. Hopefully that will help. In the meantime, I sit here every night missing him and wishing he was here like a normal relationship. I'm so sick of being so alone all the time feeling miserable over this. I just wish one day he would walk in the door and stay for good. Can anyone relate??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 1:13pm

Hi dmeh4,

Oh man, I think everybody here can relate in some way. I was married almost 25 years when I met AP..and yes, I did end my M because of it. I fell in love with the man and I wasn't able to lie and deceive my H behind his back. AP/BF has not made me any promises whatsoever, although we've been together 2 1/2ish years now.

Although I've said that I'm going to hang in there, and just enjoy my time with him (which is quite a lot, actually) I don't know how I'd feel after 5 or more years!

Our circumstances are different in that his children are grown and gone, my children are grown and gone, but he still lives at home with his W (although each of them in seperate parts of it). It's been eroding my self esteem, steadily, for at least 1 1/2 years...but like you, I am madly in love with him and am not really ready to end this just yet. I would absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if he entered counselling. Of course, that would be no guarantee that he would realize that he deserves to live the second half of his life with someone who actually loves him ~ someone who wants him so much that she gave up everything, just so she could (as it turns out) accept the crumbs that he gives her. I will NEVER be able to understand how someone would prefer to live a cold war in their own home, for the rest of their natural lives....never.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that most of us here can TOTALLY relate to what you're experiencing, and we're here to talk to whenever you need to get things off your chest.

Take care,

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 2:27pm
Thank you so much for your insight. It's like a constant roller coaster ride. Days we have together I'm like on cloud nine. Days when we are apart or he has to do family stuff I'm depressed and down in the dumps about ready to give up. I'm just getting more and more tired and frustrated with the cop-outs he has and using his children as his excuse to stay there and hold us all on the fence until he can stop being selfish and figure things out. Why does love make us do what we do???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 4:30pm
OMG, dmeh4, YES, I can relate...the only differences is I am married also and neither of us has small children at home..although, MM does have a 26 year old daughter who has always and still continues to live at home with her 2 year old daughter and MM tries to use them as an excuse also...not as much as in the past, but still maintains that he needs to try and keep his daughter on his "good" side.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 5:42pm

Hi!
Sorry you're here.
Five and a half years is a long time.
I ended things with my MM after five and a half years.
It wasn't about love. We love each other desperately.
BUT, if "it" hadn't happened after five and a half years....well, I just came to the conclusion that "it" wasn't going to happen.

It's been over seven months now....and I didn't think I could make it one day. When you're ready you'll end it. You're single and you definitely deserve better.

My MM is where he is because he CHOOSES to be; no matter what he says. His actions have proved that to me.
That thought helps me stay strong.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 7:19pm

"My affair stated about 5 1/2 years ago at work. Other man was married with baby and one on the way


He has always told me his marriage was over way before he even met me but that the children have kept him married. "


He's a cake eater... re-read what you wrote above. If his marriage was truly over long before he met you then why did he have 2 children with her? He is using the children as an excuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 10:21pm
Wow sometimes I think I am so lost out there but it's so nice to know that I am not the only woman going through this heartache. I just don't understand why men do what they do and act like WE are the ones who are mis-wired. I think it's the entire affair situation...the lack of knowing what goes on beyond closed doors, the lack of trust, the lack of being in that "normal" relationship that makes us what we are and how we act like how we do. Over Thanksgiving he took his kids WITHOUT her back to his family to show me he has separated himself from her and to talk to his family about just how bad his marriage is and how it is only a matter of time after the holidays that it is over with. When he got there he told me his wife called him acting psycho claiming she was "packing his things" and if he wanted out of the marriage then its divorce time. He did tell me he did tell all his family it was done and they were divorcing..he even talked with his family about the next plan for his life but that was until Xmas time when he did in fact bring her to his family for what he entitled "the last Xmas as a family". What is funny to me is I have met his brother and his brother knows and has seen how much we love each other and how much those two don't. whenever family stuff is involved I like to call it his big show. That is fine and great but I just DO NOT understand for the life of me how someone can hold not only himself, but his wife, me, kids and who ever and whatever else, stuck in a marriage when no one is happy. It might be fine to lie to the children now if they do not "know" but kids are NOT dumb and I think it is only a matter of time before they pick up on it. Unless what he says is untrue, kids pick up on parents loving each other or not. I came from a family where my parents have been married 40+ years and I never once felt like they felt any less differently than each other. I talked to him today a little about it and how I felt he is being selfish. He thinks that its true in one aspect but that I'm the one too still holding on being with him and that I am being selfish knowing what I know. I think he is twisting things around. I think I am being completely unselfish in that I have stood by him for many years especially now and still wait for him. He is the one still married, still on the fence, keeping everyone at a standstill. Now he is claiming he is sad, lost and depressed. I offered any assistance on my behalf and he said he's just sad. I don't want to back away but I don't want to corner him. Even my therapist told me maybe to light a fire under his butt....UGH
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 10:30pm
Thank you very much. I'm at such a loss and so new to talking about this. I feel like for me I'm not getting any younger, I love him to death, but this is not any way of life. I deserve better and if he doesnt wake up soon, as hard as it is, I need to move on. I'm almost to the point where I feel like I am losing my own self in this mess and that to me is NOT good. Did you ever have the thought when you were in yours that if you were to leave him or that if you were not in the picture anymore, all the affair problems set aside, he would still be with her? It's like they can move on with the daily routine and we are left to pick up the pieces. that being said, I think if he was still with her after all this and all these years of an affair, there really wasn't much hope for him and I anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 1:54pm

When he got there he told me his wife called him acting psycho claiming she was "packing his things" and if he wanted out of the marriage then its divorce time. He did tell me he did tell all his family it was done and they were divorcing.


Please print these two statements you wrote out and read and re-read them again. This MM also said that you are being selfish by staying with him and knowing that he is M and expecting him to leave his M for you. He's right, you know. It is selfish to get involved with a M person and expect them to end their M for you. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to look at this objectively and not only about what you want. If he wanted to leave his W he would do so - period. You even wrote that his W packed his bags and told him to leave yet he stayed. It doesn't matter what you are seeing on the outside of his M only him and his W know what really goes on in their M and plain and simple he is not ready to end his M. If you really think about it, you are actually giving him no reason to leave. He has the wifey at home and his side dish (you) on the side when he gets tired of the wifey. It's apparent that they are having S because you said this man has conceived two children with his W since you have been together. Don't blame him because it is you who have chosen to be a third wheel in his M. He is only doing what you are allowing him to do. You are staying hidden and he comes to you and plays with you when he is ready and his W has no idea that you exist but you know that she exists. If you are tired of being a doormat get out of this one-sided relationship and let him either fix his M or end it. You are actually making him stay in his M by being his dirty little secret and making it easier for him to cake eat and stay in his M. You are SINGLE and you have a choice not to share a man. You have actually shown him that you care so little about yourself that you are willing to shut out all possibilities of finding a single, honest man and dealing with his dishonest and cheating behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 6:05pm

Hmmm, yeah, they're good at twisting things around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2008
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 2:04pm

I do believe we make it easier for them to stay in their marriages.

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