Sad/Confused..and I do not want to leave
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| Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:01pm |
I have read a lot of stories on here about individual affairs and relationships and have read a lot of good advice. I am ready to post mine on here in the hopes that someone on here can relate and/or has any good advice. I'm just to the point where I'm so sad, lost, confused and do not know what to do or think anymore. I'll try to give the shorter version...
My affair stated about 5 1/2 years ago at work. Other man was married with baby and one on the way and I was engaged. (my marriage has since ended in divorce due to my own choosing.) We worked together for about 3 1/2 years and kept up the affair until we both switched jobs for fear we can't work together and be together down the road...
In sum, we have continued our affair for 5 out of the 5 1/2 years that we have known each other. I ended my marriage last year for my own reasons and not because of the other man. I felt it was not fair or right to hold my ex or myself in a marriage when it was all wrong. Although I loved my ex, I was not in love with him nor do I believe he was in love with me. Time had run its course and it would have been selfish for me to hold him to our marriage especially since we never had children together.
Other man has three children, the oldest is not biologically his but he treats her as his own. He has always told me his marriage was over way before he even met me but that the children have kept him married. I have heard countless times every year how "things are going to be different" which I find hard to believe because I can only "see" so much. I am not there in the house he shares with his wife to know what is going on. I can only just sit back and trust his word on what he says...He says if it was just him and her he would have been gone a long time ago but he is deathly afraid of losing his children and that I don't understand that because in my divorce I never had children. What I do understand is that he is holding our lives, mine, his wife, and all his children's lives on hold on the fence while he tries everyday to figure out a way to leave the marriage. I believe that is a selfish thing to do and that it's lying to everyone everyday and sooner or later the children are going to pick up on it. He of course gets slightly defensive of it because I am not a mother.
We had a long talk a few months ago and agreed that we just needed to get through these holiday months so he could enjoy one last Christmas as a family. He said it had nothing to do with her and the marriage but he wanted this to be a X-mas his children could enjoy before the war at home started. he traveled with his wife and children back to his hometown because "the children wanted her there and so did his nieces, etc" He made it out like it was the last X-mas they might get to see her. I fought hard to bite my tongue and backed off. We barely made it through the holidays but we survived. I am ready to really start seeing some progress or him to get off the fence and stop these lies with everyone. I understand because of the children at stake his divorce cannot be about an affair.
I finally had a major breakdown last week and told him he has GOT to do something. The holidays are over...stop finding excuses. He comes over to my house all the time, spends so much great quality time with me, then leaves all depressed to go home to his "hellhole" and wishes he could stay here. I'm sick of him leaving...it is making me depressed. He said he is doing the best he can to find a way to be with me and his children. I have tried to explain to him that his children will always be his children and will always be there but he is so attached to them that he would rather be miserable at home just to see his kids everyday. Yet he is afraid he is going to lose me too.
I don't know what to do. If i was not in love with him I would have left a long time ago. I would never let a man treat me like this but I love him and I know he loves me. He has a lot of issues right now and I am thankful he has just started counseling. Hopefully that will help. In the meantime, I sit here every night missing him and wishing he was here like a normal relationship. I'm so sick of being so alone all the time feeling miserable over this. I just wish one day he would walk in the door and stay for good. Can anyone relate??

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Just letting you know that my intentions are not to be mean at all, okay?
I like you, don't understand why someone would choose to stay in a marriage just for the proverbial comfort zone....
You said this in one of your posts about your MM, but isn't this exactly what you are doing, too?
Oh, no...you're not being mean at all....I agree with you.
Ya know...back when we started seeing each other again, 6 months ago, I told him that if he thought he wasn't strong enough to leave his marriage, then we could leave things the way they were...see each other when we could just as long as we were in each other's lives...I told him about the many stories I've read where some posters have been in affairs for years...some 15, 15, even 20 years!
I feel your pain...it's so hard and sometimes you just don't know who to believe, what to think or if it's just you reading into things being overly paranoid. I think those are all normal feelings and thoughts that come with being in an affair. I tried marriage counseling, I tried to throw myself into my marriage and do the right thing before when I was still married. Now that I am divorce and on my own I have grown up quite a bit, I have learned a lot and that I am in fact stronger than I think. I could have done everything in the world to make my marriage work but I know the one problem with my marriage...we were not IN love. Without it, the marriage didn't stand a chance. I was IN love with another man (who unfortunately is married) and MM feels the same about me. It's like there's no getting the toothpaste back in the tube once it's already out...I just couldnt force myself to hold my ex at the time and myself stuck in our marriage when I was not in love. I know it's very comfortable to be in a marriage even when one of the partners may not be happy but without being in love with the one you are currently married to and being in love with someone else, it got overwhelming to me. I needed to move on and felt my ex deserved better in life. I feel for you. I was glad to see on your last post you are starting counseling. I started about 7 months ago and I'm glad I took that step. Between marriage and an affair, it's like a rollercoaster ride. Some days up and some days down. I'm happy to hear you are taking that step.
I'm with you on those holidays though. Ugh they just about set me over the edge and I was ready to say some things I probably shouldn't but we all got through them. I don't know about you but I had a talk with MM the other day and he now has some new words for me about this. I love how every time we talk about it, something is twisted around or what not. Something is put into other words that gives new meaning? Can you relate to this one: I was told that right now he is in a bad place. (I am assuming a bad place in life because he is going through some changes with family, marriage, divorce, etc). That once he is in a good place in life he will be strong enough to deal with her (his wife) and the divorce. WTF does that mean?!?!?
Anytime you need to talk I'm here for ya!
And thank you to all that have posted on here to my story. Every word and opinion totally helps me out. I love and welcome the advice because being an insider in the relationship is hard and sometimes messes with your way of thinking correctly.
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