Saddness

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Saddness
16
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:57pm
I have absolutely no idea why I feel this way, but I'm so overwhelmed with sadness over this A today. It's not regret or guilt, but genuine sadness that I can't explain. It's not "hormonal", and I'm normally a very upbeat person. This is very confusing for me.

Has anyone else experienced this? I mean, I just can't shake it...one of my children just came home and was telling me something wonderful that happened in her day. I "tried" to seem happy for her, but she clearly sensed something was wrong and ask if I was ok. I lied (something I'm doing alot lately) and said I was just really tired.

Sh!t! This is starting to bleed over into my "regular" life....I really don't need this, but can't "fix it" unless I know what is making me sad about the MM and the A. Anyone have ideas?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:09pm
maybe the sadness is like mine...Sometimes i feel sad too except im the MM and i think about my OW and feel sad that i cant be with her. Im just realizing how much i want to be with the OW and its making me incredibly sad because i just cant leave my son. The W is another story. I dunno if thats what youor going through or not but to me itsl ike being a kid...you want something really bad and cant completly have it. Maybe im way off but just taking a shot at it. Now heres a question about sadness from me if anyone cares to answer...Me and OW seeing each other for last time sunday for 3 months...How do i hide my sadness and just enjoy our time together? Any ideas?

Big.


Edited 5/21/2004 4:13 pm ET ET by bigsecrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:25pm
I have felt that way and I can totally relate to how you are feeling with the "bleeding" into the regular life. I think for me it is just sometimes a realization of where I am. I was very much in love with my H when we got married. I had the fairy tale wedding. How did I end up here? Plus knowing now I never want to give MM up. Dreading the day that MM and I may end. Wondering if I will be able to stay in my M forever. All the thinking can be so heavy and overwhelming! I think you will feel fine too. It sort of like an EMA PMS! It comes and it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:27pm
You want her when she is thinking about you, to be thinking of your handsome smile not your sad eyes.

You have to act the way you want her to be thinking of you when she is missing you.

Hope that helps a little.

Blackhat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:38pm
I'm sorry I don't have any answers, but I'm in the same boat. Today is one of the rare days my MM and I get to work together and I should be excided, but I feel sad. He keeps asking me whats wrong and I'm not sure. There are a few other people here, so I know I'm sad I can't wrap my arms around him. But I should just be happy that he's here at work.

Maybe it's the weather...raining all day...ugh!

Bigsecrets...I wouldn't totally hide your sadness. You might make her feel like you don't care you'll be apart for 3 months. My MM and I had this problem. He was so good hiding his feelings I thought our A was over and started distancing myself from him. I was afraid of getting hurt. Luckily he really cares about me and confronted me about our NC. We talked and everything is great!

Also, is there something small you can give her to let her know you'll be thinking of her while you're apart?...my MM gave me a necklace (small silver heart) and my H didn't notice. My friend who is in an EMA received a beautiful bookmark since she loves to read.

Good luck and try to enjoy your precious time together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:47pm
I can certainly relate to the sadness that we feel that comes with having an EMA. We all try so hard to put up a front that everything is fine but inside...we feel incomplete somehow when we miss our true love. I am trying so hard to accept how things are but my heart has an empty feeling that only feels better when I am talking with my MM or especially when I am with him.

Hang in there...Sweet summer breeze...it's one of the toughest things to handle when you feel this sadness. You said that you are normally an upbeat person so I know that you'll be able to pick yourself up again:-)

Bigsecrets...I'd love to pick your brain. I've written my story before but thought I would familiarize you with it. Thought about sending a message specifically to you because my MM is in a similar situation as you and I would love some input. When we started our A, his son was a few months old, I have no kids. For the past year, he has been so torn wanting to be with me but cannot imagine leaving his son. His son is now 16 months and we both realize that he may not be able to ever leave his son. He can't imagine not being able to see his son everyday. He had been faced with the pressure of having a second child. Due to his inability to see himself leaving his son anytime soon, his age, his W's age, and his desire to provide his son with a sibling (he doesn't want his son to be an only child), he gave in and now his wife is pregnant. I was very hurt and upset but he is trying so hard to let me realize that: he didn't do it because he loved his wife, he did it for his son, and he did it not being able to predict the future of whether or not he could really leave his son someday or if I could ever leave my H someday. Being in a M with a child, do you understand this reasoning? I suppose that I wanted to hear from someone else in a 'similar' situation that it is difficult to put your EMA above your children and you still want to do everything you can for your kid. Sorry for babbling, it's just that when I read your posts...you sound just like him and I feel that I get a better understanding of it when someone else feels the same way. Although my MM and I talk a LOT, it's comforting to hear someone else say it. Thank you for your openness and allowing me to understand him more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:00pm
I am very fond of my MM, Bigsecrets, but I can't say that I'm in love with him. We have only known each other four months. I can fully understand why you feel sad. My MM is in a similar boat, he has a toddler at home that he loves more than life itself, and has said if it were for the baby he would leave. But he said he won't leave because he can't bare the thought of walking in the door at night and not have the child there and he will NOT let anyone else raise her.

I think it's ok to let your OW see your sadness sometimes, it's reasuring to her that you do care, and I honestly believe we need to be very open and honest with our MM/MW/OM/OW. This is something MM and I promised each other at the beginning to always be honest and open, never to lie or tell the other what we think they want to hear. Both of us have to do that enough at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:05pm
Oh how I can relate! Eighteen years ago, I though I married my true and forever love. Someone I would grow old with; to care for and have care for me. We were young, fresh out of college and broke. Now, he has become a workaholic, has a drinking problem and dread his very touch. That makes me sad. But not as much as it once did, since I know I did everything in my power to make the marriage work; perfect wife, mother, homemaker, business partner. In the end, he chose work and the bottle over his family.

EMA PMS I like that. And hope I'm not dragging this saddness around all weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:15pm
"Feel empty" as you wrote is part of it. I'm not in love with MM, not yet anyway. It's just a feeling of being so sad and adrift. He has been super busy this week, and has sent me a few OLM on my IM, nothing today so far - I didn't expect anything since he is swamped and really stressed over this project. I suppose this little messages and emails mean more to me than I imagine, and not having them makes me realize that he really does make me feel great, and always shows an interest in everything I do during the day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:31pm
Those short e-mail's and voice messages are what we hold onto the most. We experience such a feeling of joy for the attention that we get from them:-). That empty feeling is a tough thing to handle, especially when you realize the ultimate high that you feel when you are with them...then that empty feeling comes back. It's a weird situation overall but we do get addicted to that great feeling (and the attention we get from our MM) and it gets us every once in a while when we realize that we can't have that every single second.

I'm glad that your MM makes you feel great. It's that giddy feeling that we get and it's such a great gift to be able to have them in our lives!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:50pm
I think the sadness/happiness is just normal part of the ride we are on. I know I experience a wide variety of emotions and unfortunatly; I know my family can tell. I can be as high and happy as a kite or have EMA - PMS!!! I like that term. Part of it I think is that you marry and expect the perfect life, lots of happiness and I think alot of us just aren't there. Sometimes I sit back and think, wow - girl, you really are blessed, big house, two kids, good looking H, decent jobs, good income, he's a great Dad, devoted H - there would be a ton of women to kill for my life. Why am I so unhappy with it? Why aren't I there with anymore - how did I fall out of love with him? Why do I sometimes sneak out at night to see MM, why do I make secret trips to my basement to call him? Why do I risk everything I have for him? Okay - so I offically now - have EMA-PMS with the rest of ya...if anyone can figure this out...let me know!

BTW - I am head over heels in love with him and can't imagine him not being part of my life!!!

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