Same story, different day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Same story, different day...
13
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 11:58pm

I don't think I'm 'seeing clearly', as my name optimistically suggests, but I'm hoping to get there.

I suppose I should be on the EAS board but I am just not mentally there yet, even though it's over. I think right now I need someone to beat into my head that this is the best thing that could have happened. Because right now it feels like I'm going to die.

Here is the background; I'll try to keep it short. Met AP online a year ago. Mostly EA because of long distance. But, we grew very close, constant communication (many times daily, phone calls several hours long daily, etc.) Talk about divorcing (we were both M at the time) and being together. Plans being made for that. Then, long story short, D day on my end which led to my divorce (an abusive marriage of 20 years). The A was still going strong, he was talking about divorce and moving out, etc. I had made plans to move to where he was... looking at jobs there, and the whole nine yards. Then, all of a sudden it was D-day on his end (this was about two months ago). His W went ballistic, but ultimately what happened was that he threw me under the bus and told her he was staying. She was dependent on him emotionally and financially, the kids needed him, and all that.

So after I got over my hurt and anger, I of course went back to him because nothing had really changed in terms of our emotional connection. Now, however, he wanted a physical relationship with me, with no promises (since he was never going to leave his marriage). Stupidly (please convince me it was stupid!) I agreed. He had promised his wife to drop all contact with me, but he lied to her and covered his tracks. Also, he was still jealous, something that had always been a problem for him (he did not want me dating anyone) so I agreed not to date anyone. He wanted me to commit to him. He would comment that he realized it wasn't fair to me, but he still said that he needed me to commit to him or he couldn't do this.

Two days ago I had to cancel a planned weekend with him because of an issue with my kids (custody issue). This was after several previous cancellations for one reason or another. This was the last straw for him, and he told me that he just couldn't put his sexual life on hold anymore and he needed intimacy (refuses to do so with his wife). So he broke it off with me. I got angry and defensive and said some things that weren't very nice, and now when I've tried to apologize for saying such things, he is refusing to speak to me at all. I know he is hurt, but what about how I feel?

I know it's over; he's never done this before. Believe me, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Why do I not see how destructive this is? WHY am I devastated by this instead of glad that I can get some semblance of sanity back in my life again?

I think part of it is that I have lost my marriage, my home, my family, my children (part of the time), my career, and my home town (we had moved across the country prior to all of this happening, so I still know no one here). And he has lost... you got it.... nothing. Everything is still exactly the same for him. He can just move right on to the next woman, while I have to put my entire life back together.... god I am so MAD!!!!

I don't have the first clue how to get through this and how to get my life back on track. I feel like I've lost absolutely everything, and I don't know what to do next. The resentment I feel is incredible, but I also miss him. Please help... I need somebody who understands. Or just somebody.....

I'm sorry, could a mod please remove my double post from the vent section? I posted in the wrong place.

Edited 1/15/2009 12:10 am ET by seeingclearly_09




Edited 1/15/2009 12:14 am ET by seeingclearly_09

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 4:12am

i'm sorry and i do hope you are able to live up to your name. the fact that you aspire to that is a good first step.

your anger and resentment is totally justified and i sense you know that because you described it so well. he lost nothing - and that seems so unfair. but in the meantime, you did gain one thing: the will to end an abusive marriage of 20 years.

<>

it's only my guess that your abusive M left you starving - and this AP offered to feed you. i've never been truly starving for food, but i suspect someone who is so empty will do just about anything to eat. he made a promise to you and gave you hope of a banquet - the reason you did not heed the warnings. you did not want to think his promise was empty because he was giving you crumbs and at the time, that was better than nothing.

of course you miss him. but is it really about him - or is it missing someone to connect with you the way he did? missing the idea of a better life?

as far as the clues to who he really is:<> that describes a controlling, selfish jerk who only wants your A for sex. that's not a connection - that's more abuse.

<> these are the result of a choice you made to leave the M versus rebuild. and if your M was as bad as you say, was it really a loss? the loss of your hometown happened anyway (am i reading right?). the loss of your home and family would have resulted from a divorce anyway - although maybe without some of the fall-out from D-Day. not sure about your career. i know a message board cannot convey all the destruction in your life, your story is oversimplified and my response is oversimplified too - but is it possible to look at this as an opportunity to start over just for YOU?

i haven't shared the experience of your loss and betrayal, so i hope someone with more experience can respond. in the meantime, i'm responding as "just somebody" and i hope it helps to develop perspective. i try to teach my kids that sometimes life isn't fair and you can't always make it fair but you can choose to let the unfairness be a weight that drags you down - or you can shake it off and make things better for yourself by succeeding despite the inequity. call it "your own version of winning" - defining the win in a different way.

i hope you find a way to feel you have won freedom from being controlled,
Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 4:47am

hey seeingclearly_09 I am going through something myself...but i will be unselfish and offer a bit of advice.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 8:17am

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:11am

Hi Seeing clearly,


I think the others have given fabulous insights and advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:53am

sweet .....sweet.....sweet advice....


wow!!!!!!!!

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 11:15am

LOL you stole my list!

grass is always greener, isn't it?

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 7:22pm

OMG! This guy is a King of Cake Eaters! No way anyone can argue, justify, rationalize or sugarcoat this one. He wants to stay married to his wife, he wants to keep seeing you. In the meantime, he throws you under the bus and demands that you see nobody else. That is so incredibly selfish. To wrap this up in some romantic little package that, gee, he must be hurting so bad and love you so much to only want you to himself (while he goes home and sleeps with her every night), is just hogwash, IMHO. That's not love. That's manipulation, controlling, possessive. I want what I want when I want it.

Don't beat up on yourself for agreeing to his outrageous, selfish and stupid conditions. You have feelings for him. You're also alone, while he's not. I totally get why you agreed initially. I hope to God that you're seeing the fallacy of that. I know it hurts to be in this position, but you just have got to trust in the process. You WILL get past all of that eventually. IF you're willing to do the work it's going to take to get there. And I won't kid you. It IS work. But so worth it in the end to have your freedom back. To not be mired in all of these emotions and feelings.

I don't know you, but my guess is that one of the biggest reasons you have found yourself in the position you're in is because of your marriage, in many ways. You lived with an abusive man for 20 years. This guy probably looked like heaven in comparison. But it sounds to me like you're finally waking up. Coming out of the coma. You do NOT deserve to be treated like a "thing" by this man. Like a possession. Something he takes off the shelf and plays with when he feels like it. You are a person. A human being. And you deserve to have someone who treats you as such. You deserve to be the main course, not some side dish. You deserve someone who won't abandon you to save his own skin, yet claim to love you. Love? Are you kidding me? How does this demonstrate love? Love would have been taking responsibility for his actions, not throwing you under the bus. That's so cowardly and so unattractive of a trait. He makes me sick, and I'm not the one that was involved with him. I so hope he's starting to make you sick, too.

Look, these guys all seem to be the same. Sure, there are a few exceptions you read about here. But mostly it's all the same. My sister had an affair 24 years ago with a married man. She wasn't the first. She got pregnant. He SO wanted her to have the kid, vowing his devotion. Long story short, he was around for about the first 6 months and that was it. She even had to take him to court to prove the paternity when he wouldn't sign the birth certificate. He has had nothing to do with his child. His wife knew about the affair and knows about the child. Oh, and guess what? He's still with her. And he's had other affairs since. What a classless, tasteless pig.

My point is there are so many guys out there that so lament their wives, yet there they still are. Cry me a freakin' river, right?

You are lucky, lucky, LUCKY to be getting out of this situation, and I hope to God you are. Because there's a whole world out there just waiting for you. There is someone better out there for you. I just know it. Keep your eye on the prize and stay strong. Don't go back to this user. Just tell him, when he comes groveling (which he probably will when he wants to get a little sumthin sumthin), "No thanks. Oh, and sorry 'bout your pen!s".

Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:11pm

WOW!!! and ROFL at that very last comment from the previous post... I'm going to use that one :)

I am overwhelmed with your responses. You don't even know me, and you have helped me more than I can EVER tell you! Every one of you.... thank you so much. I read these responses with tears coursing down my cheeks. You are all so right, and I so needed to hear it. You give me strength. Thank you....




Edited 1/15/2009 10:00 pm ET by seeingclearly_09
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:22am

I know that I'm going to get slammed for this, but so be it......

Before I pick up my pom poms, and peck type for an hour giving you encouragement to stay away from AP, I have to say that I don't think this is the end. If your R survived a D-day, then he is not going to let some name calling stand in his way of being w/ you. Especially after you have given him everything that he wants. He may talk trash, and say that he will find someone else, but I'm w/ tygereze when she said that he isn't going anywhere. You don't just find somebody, and fall into bed overnight when you're M. It just doesn't happen like that, usually.

Do I think that you're better off w/o him? Absolutely! Do I think that he is incredibly selfish? I sure do! Do I think that you deserve better? You're damn skippy I do! Do I think that you're going to actually stay away, and fully move on? Nope! It's too hard. It takes an act of Congress for most people to end their A. It's addictive, thrilling, and awesome when the rollercoaster is in the upward swing. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down, and I honestly think that that is where you're at right now, on the downward swing.

I would NEVER encourage anyone to have an A, but I have been in one, and on this board long enough to try and be realistic. That's all I'm doing w/ you, is being realistic. Whatever happens I wish you the best. Keep us posted, I'm curious to know what will happen.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:52am

and honey that's all i ever do when i give advice or offer suggestions..i keep it real..because i know me and "whateva you wanna call him" will sometime in the future

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

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