Same story, different day...
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| Wed, 01-14-2009 - 11:58pm |
I don't think I'm 'seeing clearly', as my name optimistically suggests, but I'm hoping to get there.
I suppose I should be on the EAS board but I am just not mentally there yet, even though it's over. I think right now I need someone to beat into my head that this is the best thing that could have happened. Because right now it feels like I'm going to die.
Here is the background; I'll try to keep it short. Met AP online a year ago. Mostly EA because of long distance. But, we grew very close, constant communication (many times daily, phone calls several hours long daily, etc.) Talk about divorcing (we were both M at the time) and being together. Plans being made for that. Then, long story short, D day on my end which led to my divorce (an abusive marriage of 20 years). The A was still going strong, he was talking about divorce and moving out, etc. I had made plans to move to where he was... looking at jobs there, and the whole nine yards. Then, all of a sudden it was D-day on his end (this was about two months ago). His W went ballistic, but ultimately what happened was that he threw me under the bus and told her he was staying. She was dependent on him emotionally and financially, the kids needed him, and all that.
So after I got over my hurt and anger, I of course went back to him because nothing had really changed in terms of our emotional connection. Now, however, he wanted a physical relationship with me, with no promises (since he was never going to leave his marriage). Stupidly (please convince me it was stupid!) I agreed. He had promised his wife to drop all contact with me, but he lied to her and covered his tracks. Also, he was still jealous, something that had always been a problem for him (he did not want me dating anyone) so I agreed not to date anyone. He wanted me to commit to him. He would comment that he realized it wasn't fair to me, but he still said that he needed me to commit to him or he couldn't do this.
Two days ago I had to cancel a planned weekend with him because of an issue with my kids (custody issue). This was after several previous cancellations for one reason or another. This was the last straw for him, and he told me that he just couldn't put his sexual life on hold anymore and he needed intimacy (refuses to do so with his wife). So he broke it off with me. I got angry and defensive and said some things that weren't very nice, and now when I've tried to apologize for saying such things, he is refusing to speak to me at all. I know he is hurt, but what about how I feel?
I know it's over; he's never done this before. Believe me, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Why do I not see how destructive this is? WHY am I devastated by this instead of glad that I can get some semblance of sanity back in my life again?
I think part of it is that I have lost my marriage, my home, my family, my children (part of the time), my career, and my home town (we had moved across the country prior to all of this happening, so I still know no one here). And he has lost... you got it.... nothing. Everything is still exactly the same for him. He can just move right on to the next woman, while I have to put my entire life back together.... god I am so MAD!!!!
I don't have the first clue how to get through this and how to get my life back on track. I feel like I've lost absolutely everything, and I don't know what to do next. The resentment I feel is incredible, but I also miss him. Please help... I need somebody who understands. Or just somebody.....
I'm sorry, could a mod please remove my double post from the vent section? I posted in the wrong place.
Edited 1/15/2009 12:10 am ET by seeingclearly_09
Edited 1/15/2009 12:14 am ET by seeingclearly_09

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Justice,
I do appreciate and understand your response. Believe me, I've lived through it. The reason this is more than a 'downward swing' is because for the last several months, our entire A has been a downward swing. Before that, we had many ups and downs. It was very rocky, as he is jealous and possessive but yet he is intelligent and sweet when he wants to be.
I did know that he would 'come back' and he has. He is texting me as I write this. But I have been strong. Will I give in? I hope not. I don't think I will. I have spent so much time trying to end this A that eventually I have to believe that I'm making some progress in the right direction. I hope this is it. I do know that all of you have given me incredible strength and priceless advice, and for that I am more grateful than you know. The fact that strangers would take the time to do that for me is so heartening.
Well, I didn't know all that. If I had, my advice would have been much different. I can totally feel you when you say you're done. When you're done, you're done.
Well, hold on a sec.........I'm looking for my..........Aaahhhh here they are, MY POM POMS! NOW I'm doing a cheerleading song that I hope will give you the encouragement that you need to resist the ever tempting backslide back into a toxic A.
Are you ready? Give me a N! Give me a C! What's that stand for?? NOOOOOO Contact!! Go seeing! Go seeing!
OK, now I know that I am being silly, but sometimes it's all I can do to keep from crying, KWIM? Besides if it made you smile at all, it was worth humiliating myself in front of all my efriends!
On a slightly more serious note. I hope that you have the strength to stay away from AP if that's what you want. It's very hard, but it can be done. I wish you all the best.
Justice
ROTFLMAO!!!
Thank you Justice... you made me laugh :) I needed that!
I'm sorry my first post didn't include all of the relevant info. I'm really inspired by all the advice I have received here. I will take it to heart and I know there is so much strength on this forum.
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