Saw XAP today
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:19am|
It's been a month and 2 days (not that I'm counting!). So when he called & brought up seeing me, then started backing out for the umpteenth time, I said "look, it's not going to get any easier, let's get this over with or agree right now to never bring up seeing each other again".
8 hrs of catching up, playing pool, having a couple cocktails, spilling our guts out. He feels empty, there's nothing there to improve on with SO, he thought sex might pass for ok since he didn't have to feel he was cheating on me with her but they did it once & in his words it was "get on, get off and not worth it even as a stress relief". A lot of the conversation went the same way as it always has - he thinks I deserve more, he doesn't see that he does & worries about what other people would think of him for leaving. He talked about how much he loves me, and that every morning for the last month he goes outside early to look at the stars because it makes him feel we're still connected, yada yada. As far as he's concerned, we could've gone on the way we were forever, but he felt like crap holding me back. Why end it now after 6 yrs? He couldn't really answer that - in fact, he was trying to be "cute" saying he never ended it.
So, fine, I can't change how he thinks/feels. But then we're screwing around playing pool, and he grabs me and lays a long kiss on me. He says we'll never be over as far as he's concerned & that seeing me today is like being home again. He wants to put the break up behind us. I tell him I don't know that I can ever let my guard down again because of the way he ended it. He says he'll never make that mistake again. So, I ask what he'd do if I make more demands of him. He said "I'll be happy to do anything you ask". (hmmm....)
He called me 3x after we left the bar, but I had tunes cranked & didn't hear the phone - no messages. I trust his sincerity, but have never been in tune with the male mind, so I can't even try to read into any of this, or if there's even anything to read in to. But I got to ask & say what I needed to, and I'm finally drained. Four weeks of manual labor didn't accomplish that! It's going to feel great to sleep through the night.