Saw XAP today

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Saw XAP today
11
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:19am

It's been a month and 2 days (not that I'm counting!). So when he called & brought up seeing me, then started backing out for the umpteenth time, I said "look, it's not going to get any easier, let's get this over with or agree right now to never bring up seeing each other again".

8 hrs of catching up, playing pool, having a couple cocktails, spilling our guts out.  He feels empty, there's nothing there to improve on with SO, he thought sex might pass for ok since he didn't have to feel he was cheating on me with her but they did it once & in his words it was "get on, get off and not worth it even as a stress relief".  A lot of the conversation went the same way as it always has - he thinks I deserve more, he doesn't see that he does & worries about what other people would think of him for leaving.  He talked about how much he loves me, and that every morning for the last month he goes outside early to look at the stars because it makes him feel we're still connected, yada yada.  As far as he's concerned, we could've gone on the way we were forever, but he felt like crap holding me back.  Why end it now after 6 yrs?  He couldn't really answer that - in fact, he was trying to be "cute" saying he never ended it.

So, fine, I can't change how he thinks/feels. But then we're screwing around playing pool, and he grabs me and lays a long kiss on me.  He says we'll never be over as far as he's concerned & that seeing me today is like being home again.  He wants to put the break up behind us.  I tell him I don't know that I can ever let my guard down again because of the way he ended it.  He says he'll never make that mistake again.  So, I ask what he'd do if I make more demands of him.  He said "I'll be happy to do anything you ask".  (hmmm....)

He called me 3x after we left the bar, but I had tunes cranked & didn't hear the phone - no messages.  I trust his sincerity, but have never been in tune with the male mind, so I can't even try to read into any of this, or if there's even anything to read in to.  But I got to ask & say what I needed to, and I'm finally drained.  Four weeks of manual labor didn't accomplish that!  It's going to feel great to sleep through the night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:50am

Oh yes, I know!  Of course I want to be with him, but if I truly want him to be with only me, as long as I've already endured the initial pain of the break up, there's no time like now to take that stand.  I'm not sure what I want at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 1:50am

Take the stand now, while the recent realisation of a life without you, is still raw in his heart, otherwise you will both go back to the same old routine, and he will return to his fence sitting ways.

Take this advice from a fence sitter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 9:37am
I agree with love_my_tiramisu, if you go back now all this time apart was for nothing. If he doesn't leave her now, he never will and you will be with him another 6 years hoping he changes his mind.
It's now or never in my book and fence sitting is the worse place to be. Remain strong and stick to your guns. Sometimes you have to remove yourself completely from a situation that doesn't suit you. If your not with him than he may make a move...the question is will he?

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 5:11pm

I don't think he would've said he could go on like this forever unless he knows he's not leaving.  I know he's in love with me, but he's also willing to let me go to be with someone who can give me what he's not.  I wish I was better at detaching so I could go back to dating & test his theory.  Then at least I'd know for sure, and be starting to move on in the process.

He wanted to see me today but it didn't work out.  I was kind of relieved.  I've been bouncing back and forth between having warm fuzzies towards him and being frustrated with him.  Some of the anger I had prior to the break up is still lurking.  I've been supportive of him and have seen/heard horrible things in his R with SO.  Yet he continues his life with her and isn't standing up for his own happiness.  I know all the reasons, but y'know, it was scary as h*ll when I left my M - I was extremely unhappy & understood ultimately that it was my responsibility to make things better for me, and I did it when there was no one who loved me waiting.  He's even told me it's ok for me to tell him to grow a pair - I wouldn't be the first one.

Anyways... I'm ranting.  Can you tell I'm avoiding working today? lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 2:16pm

Well, no that's not the only reason he's not leaving, but the reasons he's given me all center around guilt and obligation.  Because of his abusive past, I get that he's stuck in trying to make someone happy who never will be.  And maybe that goal is the only thing he sees as key to being free & happy.  I don't know.

I'm feeling so much pressure on myself right now to make the right choices here.  I made plans yesterday so that when he called I wouldn't be able to break away to see him.  I've said here I'm unsure if being exclusive with him is even what I want.  Of course it is - my guard is just up because I know how unlikely it is.  So going NC or trying to just be friends is going to make me crazy.  But not only do I feel this is the opportune time to let him think, I also feel if he's never going to leave, my staying in contact is making him miserable.  He'd stop missing me and get over me in time.  He'd know he had a choice & made one, and maybe feel more settled in his life.  ugh, I'm just sick to my stomach with all these thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 9:41pm

Hi Fluff!  Good to hear from you!

I'm so sorry about your classmate.  Are the 2 of you still in close contact?  My XH's brother died 2 yrs ago from a brain tumor, and it's been so hard on the family.  Cancer is such an evil monster.

I'm glad you're doing well!!  You're truly an inspiration to there being life after an A!   I'm doing ok -  kind of up & down.  I've had a bad cold all week, and I'm usually more emotional when I'm sick.  This too shall pass... lol.   I'm going to PM you...