Scared and Ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Scared and Ashamed
8
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 10:37am

Previously posted on EAS but unsure of where this fits.

I'm new here and was afraid to post for fear of the backlash I may receive. I've being having an affair with a MM for over four years now. We have a 18month old. The beginning of this year his wife found out. Threaten to leave but didn't, he decided to end the affair and work on his marriage.

Since then he has secretly been seeing me and my daughter (not sexual) she wants him to have nothing to do with us. He found out last month she too had an affair with a man over the last year or so and she has now decided because we have a child together (they do not) she would rather be with the other man.

He has moved out but has said he is not ready to start another relationship, he has to get his head together. I'm deeply in love with him, but I am afraid to think of being with him because I feel like when he made the choice to work on his marriage he didn't chose me and I would only be what he's settling for.

The wife called me last night, told me she wasn't angry with me, that their marriage failed long before I came along. She said she surprised how much he does for his daughter because she was under the impression he didn't want any kids and she couldn't have any. She said she has been telling him for the last few months he needs to be with his family and he knows it has been over between them.

why is he not running to us? He said he loves her and can only see her right now. Am I being a fool for waiting for him to love me? I want to move on but I can't. I feel stuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 1:05pm

I can understand you being scared and ashamed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 2:19pm
He does financially support us, he's done that the whole time. It took a little more time for him to bound with her but he has done that as well, I know he loves her, but I feel like he resents me for having her if that makes any since. I think he feels like, although, she said the relationship has been over years that me having my daughter put the nail in the coffin. I see him a lot, he's always around but it's that underlying resentment I don't think we will get past. He didn't want me to have her and although he was around my whole pregnancy he made it a very unpleasant experience and I was mad at him for that, because although he told me to go ahead and be happy and don't let him rain on my parade he was still very resentful. After the baby shower and all the gifts started coming every time he would come over he would just be mad. He just kept coming around and one day when she was about six months she was laying on the bed and he walked in and she reached up her arms and said "da da" and he's been all wrapped up in her every since. I don't have to make him do stuff he do it anyway. I also already had a five year old who he also supports and she calls him daddy. She started Kindergarten this year and he checks her homework and call to ask her about her day and he did not miss wishing her well on the first day of school. It's just baffling how he has bounded with my daughters but seems to not really like me. He said it's not that he don't like me he just needs time and that he don't regret having our daughter he just said it was the wrong thing to do because he was married. I had mentioned I wanted to go somewhere, and Sunday he picked me up saying he needed me to help him put up some blinds and we went there. We are not sleeping together but I really want too, but he said he's not ready to climb back into the bed with me because it wouldn't be fair to me with him still in love with her and always thinking about her. He said he likes to spend time with me and talk to me but he needs some time and it hurts so much because I am afraid we will NEVER be together even though I know what we have done was wrong I still love him and I started today trying to give him the space he needs. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst....the possibility that we may never be a couple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 2:42pm

I am curious on why you decided to have two children with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 3:01pm
We have one child together, I had a daughter that was eight months old when I met him from a previous relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 3:04pm
he knew I was not on traditional birth control, we were using the with drawl method and he slipped up a few times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 9:46pm
I don't want to sound harsh but thats what happens when people don't use BC. Babies are made lol. You are in a tough situation. Its like you guys are divorced and are co-parenting. I just wonder tho when your girls get older how it will all change with AP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
In reply to: hush12
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 11:14pm

Seems like you are both in quite a predicament here. I agree with Mr. Golf you need to make the father legally responsible to protect the child. I am curious if your older daughters father is involved in her life~ you mentioned MM supports her.

This appears to be a bit of a long standing affair as he has been involved with you since your older daughter was eight months old.
I find it sad that it took his wife leaving the marriage for it to
dissolve. I think that is your answer right there. He has no right blaming you for the end result of his actions.

Part of me feels you both would be better off without him at this point. His coldness towards you shows a disconnect and I think you deserve better. Perhaps a time out would help--in any event I wish you strength and healthy children. Be well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: hush12
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 8:45am
Yes it is a long term affair and it's been over four years. He has basically been living a double life. Me and the W or total opposites, I'm the family person and she is the material girl. When I came into the picture he was struggling to save his business that went belly up about two years ago. He lost a lot of his things, she refused to give up anything and she indicated that when she got with him she was married to someone else. I haven't really talked to him about this because I don't want to embarrass him, but it seems that once the money is gone so is she. I guess she would be like the "dream girl" type, very pretty (I'm assuming) and very high dollar, and probably way out of his spending budget. I am staying back and just letting things be what they are. Trying to get my emotions under control. And no my oldest daughter's father is not in her life, I don't know what was going on with him but it appears he was having some mental issues and he just up and moved away, I've heard he was in three or four different places.