Scared of H -- if he gets violent?!?
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| Fri, 01-23-2009 - 8:21am |
Sorry if this is a downer of a subject, but I'm just scared right now. I recently started to have a PA with someone I was in an EA with for months. I adore AP.
But I also have a good H and our marriage is basically good. The only bad part about H's personality is that sometimes he can be violent. We had a close call early on in our R and I almost left him over that (he shook me, and then hit me. We were both drunk).
He once said, only joking, that if I ever cheated on him, he would murder me. Now I really am cheating on him. I still love him, but the more I see AP, the more terrified I get that we'll get caught and that H will lose control.
From everything I read, most people get caught cheating at some point. So now, when I think about seeing AP, I have this sinking feeling in my stomach like I am putting my life on the line, not just my marriage.
Can anyone relate? Maybe H was just overstating it, but I just see myself dead.
It's making things really hard, especially since I am in love with AP.

I have not posted on here in quit a while, my AP passed away last August. I just have to respond to this.
My husband has always said the same thing....I figured there was really no way he would find out, especially with AP being gone. WRONG!
His wife found out...dont know how doesnt really matter...she called my husband...told him things that she had heard. I am pregnant and she told him that the baby was APs (it isnt). My husband went nuts...he assaulted me and trashed our home. I had to get a protection order against him. He has trashed my name in our small community and told horrible lies about AP.
This all happened in October. Just 2 nights ago he broke into my home and held me hostage with a shot gun. He assaulted me with the gun and threated to kill me. Had I not used my head and convinced him to leave..I honestly think he would have killed me. I called
Be afraid....be very afraid.
This isn't a game, it's your life. No matter what the situation there will be more violence, it's not a matter of what you do, it's who they are and then they want to tell you it's your fault for making them "act like that".
Telling you that he will kill is a manipulation tactic to keep you in line, a form of control. A warning.
I had a friend who was up agaisn't a violent man and got a protection order and went into hiding (he was very bad.); he found her violated the P.O. went to jail, bonded HIMSELF out with a credit card went to her father's house (where he figured out she was) and killed her, seriously wounded her father and killed himself. she had 3 children.
She did everything right and still paid the price. A protection order will only help you if he obeys it- it is not a shield to keep him away it's just a piece of paper if someone really wants to do you harm.
I would very very seriously think about this. I'm not saying stop the A and prevent this from happening because it won't, there will always be something to set an abuser off; I am saying seriously think about H.
I don't want to bring doom and gloom here but I ave seen too many women in my personal life get seriously destoyed because of the trust they had in an abuser. Heck, I have seen (as in the situation I mentioned) where as soon as the violence started they left and it was too late.
I knew another girl who left her abusive husband and was working hard on getting her life back on track was taking classes (where I knew her from) and he grabbed her in the parking lot and cracked her skull open with a metal pipe. The next time I saw her was when she came in to say "Hi" to our class and had a scarf wrapped around her head because of the surgery it took to repair her skull and save her brain (and life) left her temporarily bald.
Just be careful and think logically and not with your heart.
Firstly - your screen name says it all - the answer is you are yours and yours alone.
Secondly you said "But I also have a good H and our marriage is basically good. The only bad part about H's personality is that sometimes he can be violent. We had a close call early on in our R and I almost left him over that (he shook me, and then hit me. We were both drunk)."
Reality check. You do not have a good marriage. Your H is violent. There is nothing good about a M when a man will hit a woman, with or without the excuse that he was drunk. I don't condone breaking up marriages EXCEPT where there is violence. If he has done it once and you stayed, you have given him permission to do it again when he loses control. He will not stop. He has threatened to kill you. You have had your warnings and you're not listening. Your life is being threatened.
Will he hurt you if he find out you ever cheated on him. He has told you he will. Why take the risk of doubting he is telling the truth? Is your life worth that little to you?
I too had a friend who had a H who hit her. She did have an A, he did find out and he did try to kill her. He only failed because he caught her with her AP and the AP was able to fight him off.
It's your life and your choice, but take your H's threat seriously, he HAS threatened to kill you.
Pisces
My Ex-H admitted later that in the aftermath of d-day, he thought about killing us both.
OK, I know that I have responded to a few post w/ this same advice, but I feel that it's imperative to share it again.
Listen Sweetheart, you are putting yourself in danger. Of ALL the calls that I respond to domestic violence calls are hands down, the most difficult, and dangerous to handle. If I had a penny for every time I heard a victim, or a family member of a DEAD victim say "I knew he was upset, but I never thought he would go this far." I would be a millionaire several times over. Your H has a propensity towards violence already. Stable men, that have never hit their wives, or even dreamed that they could hurt the woman that they love, have freaked out and killed their spouses when they learned that their W had been unfaithful.
You mentioned in your post that he hit you that one time when you were both drinking, but has there ever been another incident? How long ago was the first time? Does he often get almost to that point, and then catch himself at the last minute, and stop? You have a potential time bomb in your lap. Yeah, he may have said in a joking way that he would kill you if you ever cheated, but my mother always told me that there was a lot of truth in joking, and I find that she is right.
Something has to give in this situation, and if it's you.......well the cost may be your life. You need to decide if H is violent, and leave if that's the case. Don't leave because you can't cheat. Leave because it's the healthy thing to do, for you, and your children if you have any. Don't wait for something to happen, because by then it may be too late. I hope that you have the courage to do what is best for you. Good luck.
Justice
I would suggest get help for yourself soon regarding your H ,A or no A.