Second Thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Second Thoughts
8
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 1:01pm
Not sure if what I am feeling is normal or not, but thought I'd throw it out there for you. MM and I are supposed to get lunch this week, probably Fri, but haven't firmed it up yet. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this EA and that if it becomes a PA will I be able to handle it. I think about him often and I feel even more distant from my H. I have this constant icky feeling in my stomach. It's not about guilt if anything were to happen between us-I am okay with that. It is about feelings and what if I want more after this becomes a PA? Will I just need to give myself time to get used to compartamentalizing these two relationships? Do you eventually find a balance like you do with work and family? I also don't think I want to be married to H anymore-I don't even enjoy being around him. We do things together for the kids, but that is about it. I don't know how I can spend another 10-15 yrs married to a man I don't think I love anymore. I don't know if I am just feeling guilty about something that hasn't even happened with MM. I'm feeling very conflicted. Maybe I am thinking too much about things and should just go with the moment. I know if MM made the first move, I wouldn't even hesitate. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:15pm

Hi Jersey girl,


Not speaking for anyone here but for me I thought I was able to compartmentalize

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 4:52pm

Hi Jersey,

With the feelings you already feel towards H, the affair will make that harder. I don't know if you and H are physical, but once the A starts, if you have no feelings for H, the physical part becomes even harder.

The highs are incredible, and if you become attached, the crashing follows shortly after you see AP, yet it quickly disappears when contact comes around again.

But if you fall....oh how miserable the lows can become, especially if it is a once sided street.

I recently read a book, why men have affairs...they are basically 10 different scenarios, not that I beliive everything is that cut and dry, but I did learn a lot from it, and even seen myself in it. Each of us are looking for the missing key, but honestly we should be looking within ourselves, not just adding another element.

You have my full support either way,
Best of luck,
Frisky

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER!!! When you hit curves hold on....when you go up hill be patient....when you go down fast....throw your hands up....scream, hold your breath.....and rush back to get in line again. Life keeps moving, so should you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 4:59pm
Thanks Rayne for sharing your experience. I guess I will just have to see how it works for me, whether I can truly separate the two or not. My guess is it will be hard for me especially because of the state of my marriage and all that is missing there. On the other hand, this A may meet some of the needs that are not being met in my marriage and may make the marriage more comfortable. When I do think of a D, I panic, I don't know if that is what I want either. Not a time to make major life changing decisions at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 8:28pm

Hey Jersey


I agree with Rayne here, compartmentalising is not as easy as you may think. As with work and family, thoughts of the other creep in when you are supposed to be focussing.


If you are unhappy in your marriage, the compartmentalising will be even harder.


Think long and hard before you get in deeper. Its a tough road.


Iggy!

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:04am

I can only speak from personal experience.


AP and I began an EA about seven months ago, and a PA about three months ago.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:41am

I don't know how I can spend another 10-15 yrs married to a man I don't think I love anymore....

your question should be how did you marry & spend whatever number of years married to a man you dont love ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 2:40pm

I understand her question very clearly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 2:51pm
I don't think you're understanding my question-it's not that I never loved my H or I would have never married him in the first place and started a family with him. People grow and change and some grow apart, as in my case, while some are able to grow together throughout their lives. I think different people fit with us in different points of our lives and for some it is one person and for others it is more than one. My question was how can I uphold the commitment I made to this man for the rest of my life or at least until my children are grown (10-15yrs). I already have 11 yrs in this marriage, but I am no longer happy in it, we have drifted apart. It's just not that easy to get up an walk away with all that is involved. People fall in and out out love-have you ever been in love Bestplayer?