Self-Esteem Issues!
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| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:17pm |
I've decided to begin a new post, although I'm sure that many of you must be tired of hearing from me today. There has been much discussion regarding self-esteem on my "Sinking" post, so after a couple of glasses of wine (which I desperately needed tonight - and to think, it's only Monday) I've decided to address the issue.
My H has stated to me that he is willing to "play second fiddle" if that is what it takes to make our M work. Many of you are correct in your perception that he has self-esteem issues. He requires assurance on a daily basis. When I was 17 and falling in love with him, this was an endearing quality. I was willing to give him the assurance he required. Actually, I thrived on it. His W at the time, was not!
Needless to say, I also have self-esteem issues. I have never, in my life, been the popular girl, the most beautiful, the thinnest, the funniest etc. When I had a boyfriend (there weren't many) in high-school, I was forever worried that someone else would "catch his eye, and due to my negative attitude, most of the time, they did. Despite this, I never used my body to "keep" a guy. On top of this, even if somebody paid me a compliment, I had a hard time believing it, thinking they must have alterier (spelling?) motives.
Some history (I'll try to be brief). My H's father abandon his family (W and 4 children). H's mother was killed in a car accident when H was 10. H and siblings were shipped to a new city, to their father and new young W (five years difference between H's brother and second W). Their father never wanted them, but was basically forced to care for his children. W was 18, pregnant, and still in the honeymoon stage of their marriage when all of a sudden, 4 children, whom didn't belong to her, she had never met before, were thrust upon her at the worst possible time of their short lives - all of these circumstances led to resentment toward very young impressionable, innocent kids. These kids were raised the rest of their childhood days without love and attention, and only the memory of a mother, who despite faults, loved them beyond belief.
At this time, counselling for children who had lost a parent, was unheard of. Get on with life and deal with it, was the motto. We all now know, that these kids should have received counselling, support and tonnes of loving attention - this was denied them! Self-esteem issues were bound to arise.
My own childhood stems from a very close-knit, loving family. Two parents and a sister and an abundance of extended family. However, I never felt adequate (this is why I'm afraid of counselling myself - I'm not sure I want to know why). Oh, there were definite episodes while growing up, that I will never forget, and since I it would probably take a book to explain - I'll spare you the details.
So, at 17, a handsome, charming, married man, cast his attention toward me - I fell hook, line and sinker. We each gave the other exactly what we needed at the time. I had a "man" who thought and told me on a daily basis, that I was beautiful. He had a "girl" that was willing to do anything, say anything, be anything - all for him.
Twenty years later - the "girl" grew up. She is now a confident (most times), intelligent, funny, beautiful (inside and out), independent woman. He is much more mature and improved, is still the same "man" that requires daily reassurance. He is a good man, a loving father and husband, a faithful friend and brother. Ask anything of him, and he will give generously heart and soul.
Enter MM - a self-confident, love myself, positive thinking, good looking, charming, sweet beyond belief, community minded, independent man. And guess who he likes - me! Never in my wildest dreams. I begin to learn more about myself than I ever let myself be aware of. I was scared of where these thoughts would lead. My caution at first, gave way to the new excitement of falling in love once again, this time with a person that did not require my reassurance, but who made me realize that we cannot make someone else responsible for our own happiness. His love and friendship is the best thing that could have happened to me, I will treasure every moment that I have had the pleasure of spending with him.
My H presented me with roses a couple of weeks ago, with a card that read "You complete me", and my first thought was - I don't want that responsiblity. Another time, long ago, I would have been over the moon!
Yet, I feel that responsiblity. I cannot turn my back on him. I fear, probably more than I fear being alone, him being alone.
Omahamm wrote that he doesn't know whether I'm committed to making my marriage work - and I'm not sure myself. But, I do know that I will never turn my back, as I would never turn my back on my children, whatever the situation. It may come to a huge decision on my part, as pointed out by Rain, a decision that I can live with - to sacrifice a piece of myself, but not my happiness. Whether I can do that, is another question, and one that will not be answered in my state of mind as it stands today.
I so much appreciate everyone's comments, support, words of wisdom, and advice today. It helped beyond belief and has once again prompted me to look within myself for comfort and solitude. What I have discovered today (tomorrow is another day) is that I am blessed with special people in my life, those that provide me with the strength to remember that my happiness is my responsibilty and no one else's.
Thank you for helping me through another day.
Red
Edited 4/22/2004 8:48 am ET ET by red_bella

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Anyway, thanks for the "food for thought." (((((((((HUGS))))))))))
GB2
When people post on this board about their insecurities, jealousy and needing reassurance from their lovers that everything will be okay with their relationship, or when they write their lovers poems and letters pouring their heart out and telling them that if they ever wanted them back they would go back in a heartbeat, or when they say that they would do anything to keep that special person in their life - I would be the LAST one to tell them that they are having problems with their self-esteem and need to work on it and self-actualize. It's not a matter of self-esteem we are talking about here - it's people who can't see straight because of a tremendous amount of pain and a whirlwind of emotions. Being in love is so not about power or self-esteem issues - it's all about giving. You give it your all and hope for the best.
I believe we should stop hypothesizing how strong-willed, self-assured and confident one has to be in order to achieve happiness. We should deal with gritty reality, accept ourselves as is, stop being ashamed of being weak and vulnerable at times, stop forcing ourselves into being who we are not and can't be, and quit being so blinded by the ideal of a "perfect individual" inflicted upon us by our very imperfect society.
"Being in love is so not about power or self-esteem issues - it's all about giving. You give it your all and hope for the best."
That is so true. The "hope for the best" part is really hard... At least today, 6 days into NC, it sure seems that way. At this point, I'm not sure whether to be hopeful or not...
*sigh*
GB2
"We should deal with gritty reality, accept ourselves as is, stop being ashamed of being weak and vulnerable at times, stop forcing ourselves into being who we are not and can't be, and quit being so blinded by the ideal of a "perfect individual" inflicted upon us by our very imperfect society"
I totally agree with you here, however, in order to "accept ourselves as is" we have to be self-confident. Very few of us (myself included) ever accept what we perceive to be our imperfections. There is always an issue or two that can be improved upon - it's all a matter of emotional growth. Otherwise, Oprah and Dr. Phil wouldn't be so popular. Being "weak and vulnerable" at times is all part of this growth. It is in these moments, that we learn something new about ourself, and either accept it or change it.
And that doesn't even touch on the physcial sense, where we as a human race, are also searching for the "perfect look". It's ingrain on us daily with magazines, television, movies, etc. We should be exercising for health reasons, however many people are trying to achieve what "our very imperfect society" tells us is the "perfect body", we have plastic surgery or botox injections, we wear makeup, colour our hair - all in the name of looking more young and beautiful, so that we appear attractive to other people.
It is, in most cases, these things that provide us with the foundation of being "self-confident". Yes, there are times when the base cracks, and we do falter, but we must have the ability to look within, fill in the cracks and continue on - most times with the help of our friends and loved ones - and we in turn will do the same for them when required. I guess that's life, with all of it's imperfections.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Take care,
Red
What the heck is self esteem?? You have a pretty good feeling about yourself, not a emotional wimp and won't be swayed by peer pressure if it comes to things that matter the most to you. However, if you are in love, ego part of your self esteem clashes with the selfless part of your psyche. So how far is too far to determine you have self esteem issues?? Let me give take your example. Your H is this "second fiddle" guy in writing to lets say to woo you, but if he puts the entire burden of the marriage - both emotional and moral on you I would say he lacks confidence - thus has self esteem issues.
Thus you (or rather I) cannot judge self- esteem of a person by the email he had written to you. I can write some pretty flowery emails and poems myself - but I will never ever in my actions comes across as a emotional wimp. I take responsibility for all actions I have done - good and bad. I don't place the blame on anybody else. Plus I don't get swayed by popular opinions or fads unless it falls into my idea of right/wrong. I am my own master when it comes to forming opinions and over the years I have become less and less judgmental about things and people. I was not a very judgmental person to begin with and I attribute it to my father who taught to look st all sides. I attribute my ability to judge right from wrong to my mother who has very uptight moral values and ethics on everything from work to personal issues. :) With such a back ground I don't think I think I couldn't really could go wrong (I may be wrong, but my judgments have been pretty accurate). :)
As far as H goes, he was a neglected child even though his parents are still in a dysfunctional marriage. They a poster children for a marriage gone bad but did not end because they feed on each other's insecurities. Thus his ideas as far as right/wrong are good but are so influenced by peer pressure. That is why he comes off as a wimp not being my ROCK when I need him. That could very well be your problem Bella. If so, I feel your pain and I could see why you fell for MM - head over heels.
Like I said, I don't know the other person's perspective, if I didn't deal with them day to day. Also if you look at examples given by Oprah or Phil in their shows - I can see a whole lot of dysfunctional stuff myself. Plus they do take in all parts of the person life. What we see each other on this board is a little part of our lives, not the whole to cry uncle.
wow, sorry for a long post. As usual JMHO. Off my soapbox now. :)
I certainly didn't intend to say that I felt your H has self-esteem issues. My post was more about how that statement must have made you feel. I know that I would never want my SO to say she was willing to be my second choice.
As far as self-esteem goes, we all have issues. I know that I have had to work through many and continue to do so. I think that our society is so bad at encouraging children to explore the world without shaming or scaring them. So we all go through our lives desperately clinging to anyone and anything that offers us comfort. I understand what boston is saying in his reply to this post, but I disagree somewhat. We certainly need to accept each other with our faults. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't each work on our own issues and try to be a better person. Your H's past sounds very painful and I can only imagine the separation issues he has. But again, I feel it is his responsibility to work on that and grow the way you have. You had a more solid base to work from, but he is still capable of growth. The problem, of course, is you can't make him see this. Counseling can certainly help though.
Again, I wanted nothing more than to help you when I responded to your previous post. I hope that you are somehow able to move forward. You say that you fear your H being alone. I understand that because I certainly fear my W being alone also. But from my perspective, it was unfair of me to hold on to her to try to protect her. She could be out finding someone who will love her the way she deserves instead of having me there just because I'm too guilty to leave. That was my feeling anyway.
I'm not saying we should judge each other, but sometimes it takes a person on the outside to see some of our faults. I know I've had to face up to my own and continue to do so. Just my thoughts.
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