Self-Esteem Issues!
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| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:17pm |
I've decided to begin a new post, although I'm sure that many of you must be tired of hearing from me today. There has been much discussion regarding self-esteem on my "Sinking" post, so after a couple of glasses of wine (which I desperately needed tonight - and to think, it's only Monday) I've decided to address the issue.
My H has stated to me that he is willing to "play second fiddle" if that is what it takes to make our M work. Many of you are correct in your perception that he has self-esteem issues. He requires assurance on a daily basis. When I was 17 and falling in love with him, this was an endearing quality. I was willing to give him the assurance he required. Actually, I thrived on it. His W at the time, was not!
Needless to say, I also have self-esteem issues. I have never, in my life, been the popular girl, the most beautiful, the thinnest, the funniest etc. When I had a boyfriend (there weren't many) in high-school, I was forever worried that someone else would "catch his eye, and due to my negative attitude, most of the time, they did. Despite this, I never used my body to "keep" a guy. On top of this, even if somebody paid me a compliment, I had a hard time believing it, thinking they must have alterier (spelling?) motives.
Some history (I'll try to be brief). My H's father abandon his family (W and 4 children). H's mother was killed in a car accident when H was 10. H and siblings were shipped to a new city, to their father and new young W (five years difference between H's brother and second W). Their father never wanted them, but was basically forced to care for his children. W was 18, pregnant, and still in the honeymoon stage of their marriage when all of a sudden, 4 children, whom didn't belong to her, she had never met before, were thrust upon her at the worst possible time of their short lives - all of these circumstances led to resentment toward very young impressionable, innocent kids. These kids were raised the rest of their childhood days without love and attention, and only the memory of a mother, who despite faults, loved them beyond belief.
At this time, counselling for children who had lost a parent, was unheard of. Get on with life and deal with it, was the motto. We all now know, that these kids should have received counselling, support and tonnes of loving attention - this was denied them! Self-esteem issues were bound to arise.
My own childhood stems from a very close-knit, loving family. Two parents and a sister and an abundance of extended family. However, I never felt adequate (this is why I'm afraid of counselling myself - I'm not sure I want to know why). Oh, there were definite episodes while growing up, that I will never forget, and since I it would probably take a book to explain - I'll spare you the details.
So, at 17, a handsome, charming, married man, cast his attention toward me - I fell hook, line and sinker. We each gave the other exactly what we needed at the time. I had a "man" who thought and told me on a daily basis, that I was beautiful. He had a "girl" that was willing to do anything, say anything, be anything - all for him.
Twenty years later - the "girl" grew up. She is now a confident (most times), intelligent, funny, beautiful (inside and out), independent woman. He is much more mature and improved, is still the same "man" that requires daily reassurance. He is a good man, a loving father and husband, a faithful friend and brother. Ask anything of him, and he will give generously heart and soul.
Enter MM - a self-confident, love myself, positive thinking, good looking, charming, sweet beyond belief, community minded, independent man. And guess who he likes - me! Never in my wildest dreams. I begin to learn more about myself than I ever let myself be aware of. I was scared of where these thoughts would lead. My caution at first, gave way to the new excitement of falling in love once again, this time with a person that did not require my reassurance, but who made me realize that we cannot make someone else responsible for our own happiness. His love and friendship is the best thing that could have happened to me, I will treasure every moment that I have had the pleasure of spending with him.
My H presented me with roses a couple of weeks ago, with a card that read "You complete me", and my first thought was - I don't want that responsiblity. Another time, long ago, I would have been over the moon!
Yet, I feel that responsiblity. I cannot turn my back on him. I fear, probably more than I fear being alone, him being alone.
Omahamm wrote that he doesn't know whether I'm committed to making my marriage work - and I'm not sure myself. But, I do know that I will never turn my back, as I would never turn my back on my children, whatever the situation. It may come to a huge decision on my part, as pointed out by Rain, a decision that I can live with - to sacrifice a piece of myself, but not my happiness. Whether I can do that, is another question, and one that will not be answered in my state of mind as it stands today.
I so much appreciate everyone's comments, support, words of wisdom, and advice today. It helped beyond belief and has once again prompted me to look within myself for comfort and solitude. What I have discovered today (tomorrow is another day) is that I am blessed with special people in my life, those that provide me with the strength to remember that my happiness is my responsibilty and no one else's.
Thank you for helping me through another day.
Red
Edited 4/22/2004 8:48 am ET ET by red_bella

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Thank you for your reply. I am never offended by any of the replies I receive on this board. I review each reply as positive reinforcement to help myself scratch my way through this mess - and I welcome every one. To be offended, I may as well say goodbye or at least stop asking for the opinions, obviously something I'm not wanting to do.
I find you to be a very supportive, valuable member of this group - and the more you get me thinking about myself and my R's the better. This is how I learn.
And, you're right, it is unfair to hold onto to someone to protect them - H and I touched on that very topic this morning. We have set up a date for this weekend to work on us, and I'm sure that very issue will be brought up again.
I too want to move forward - unfortunately, I'm just not too sure where forward will lead at the moment.
In the future, please remember that any and all comments are welcome.
Thank you omahamm
Take care
Red
This is a tough call. To be sure, he's needy and dependent. But he's also addicted to a drug: slef pity. It has completely debilitated him throughout all of his adult life. Keep that in mind.
The question becomes: is he using his obvious need for you as a weapon? Extorting from you your compliance with what he wants--and what he wants is most certainly the status quo.
If you leave him, will he go bonkers? Commit suicide? (Unlikely, I think). Seek revenge? There's a whole host of emotions that your husband has at his disposal to reveal or to show to you. Your H is immature. Men are like that relative to women. You can take that to the bank. But will he grow up "fast" when facing up to the imminent leaving of his wife of 20 years?
I think you owe him--yes, that's right, OWE him a little more slack. Be up front that you expect his immature whining to stop. You have more leverage in your marriage than you think. But work with him. At least for a while. Tell H that you and MM will do NC for a while---say, a month. And in return, tell H that you expect him to change in certain specific ways.
Keep in mind, that he--not MM--is that someone you said "I DO" to. That should count for something--particularly if it involves the breakup of 20 years together.
I ought to know. My wife of 29 years pulled that on me.
Steven
I appreciate what you're saying, but I think she you are being a bit judgemental. Of course she owes her H something. She is giving him that by trying to work through their issues and see if their M can work. She can't offer anything more. She also owes it to him to make a decision to walk away if she can't fully commit herself to him once they get into this process. I agree that NC with the MM is a good idea for a month or so while she and her H work on things and again, I think she is doing things the best way she is capable of. You seem to suggest her H will "grow up fast" if he is faced with losing her. Well he's already facing that and it seems to me that rather than deal with the issues, he's focused on comparing himself to the OM. See, this is why I think counseling is so crucial in these situations. I probably sound like a broken record, but I really believe in it. And if anyone in a situation like this refuses to go to counseling, then they are asking for their M to fail in my opinion.
I like your advice, but if you've been following Red's posts, you would know she is already doing things the "right way". If anything, she is showing more patience and responsibility than most are capable of. I commend her for this.
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