Separation isn't working - H won't stop

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Separation isn't working - H won't stop
2
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:18am
I told the H that I wanted to separate to sort through everything. He still calls every day, still pops up in the mornings while I'm getting ready for work, and is leaving gifts for me on the table at home. We decided to not see each other for awhile, and he wont stop. He is acting like its any other day - just more stressful. I don't know what to do. Then today he says he is going to go and get a tattoo (one that he had discussed earlier with something about me mixed in - not nec a name, but something that reminds him of me). I feel horribly guilty, but at the same time I cannot ignore my feelings for the OM and what I want to start with him for the future. I wanted this separation not to reconcile, but more for us to calm down before moving forward through a rough ordeal. Now, all I want to do is scream the D word and deal with the rough breakup. I know he will be devistated once he hears that word. Maybe its lack of nerve or confidence that I haven't said it - I just wanted it to be ok for both of us and not have a nasty bickering fight the whole way. I just don't know what to say to get it through his head that I am moving on without telling him about the OM. He keeps saying - you take your time - this is good for us - we can start fresh...like he doesn't even hear the fact that I have told him about us splitting up. I'm just so angry right now and feel so guilty for my feelings. I love the OM with all my heart and at the same time feel like I should be there for my H to support him in his getting better with his anger and abusiveness. He says he will change, but I don't believe it. And, I don't want to wait to see it not work ten years from now. I'm just so frightened of the whole D process, and this "separation" that isn't working just makes me more frightened. Just needed to vent - any comments would be appreciated. Yall are the only people that I can talk to openly and not be judged for having the feelings that I do...thank you for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
follow...I read your post and fear stabbed me. If he was abusive the only way he can change is through counseling. If he's not willing to do that...then it's over. No need to feel guilty.

If you are afraid of your H, GET OUT!!! Run and don't look back. I think that his lack of consideration for your feelings is a warning sign. I know he's scared of losing you, but he can't smother you either. And if you don't feel that you can talk to him about it, then it's over.

I'm sorry to be so blunt...and I hope I got what you were saying...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:04am
Hon, it may be that YOU need to move out... or at least change the locks. It's not really a seperation if he has full access to you and to your life. My ex husband was a rageaholic. He was angry and abusive all the time. When I finally asked for a separation, he swore he'd change but I was done. He kept coming back, there were so many excuses. I finally just had to tell him it was over. I didn't love him anymore, I didn't want to be married, I didn't want it to work. I never, ever told him there was someone else because I feared the consequence and I also didn't want to completely devastate him (why oh why do we still care?). Sometimes I think it's better to just do the clean break, let them vent and storm and wreak havoc, then move on. If you're physically afraid of his reaction, then you should move to another place (without telling him), then take him to a public place for the break-up scene. I know its tough and my thoughts are with you. Just be strong, sweetie. It's for the best.