Serial Cheater?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Serial Cheater?
17
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 11:31am

Hey all-Not sure if anyone is still here from when I used to come here for support and advice.  I am still in some contact with my xAP, in fact we have been flirting on and off and backing away from each other for quite some time now.  About a year or so...anyway.  Well I did go to a conference last April and ended up having a one night stand with someone down there who was in the same line of work that I was, actually a lot higher up in the State than I am.  That was it.  Fast forward to this past weekend when I went on a trip to Vegas.  I ended up meeting this great guy who took an interest and I in him.  We hung out for quite a while and I went back to his room.  We shared a lot of passionate touching and kissing.  No sex due to the high intoxication levels.  He asked for my number and I gave it to him thinking he would never use it.  I actually wrote it down and crumpled it up and threw it on the floor by him.  Never expected to hear from him.  He got in touch with me the next day and wanted to hang out ( he was sober).  He stated that he felt a great connection between us too and even hung out with my family and I.  Was very careful to not let anyone see our chemistry was more than friendly...he did rub my leg and touched me whenver he could.  We split for a bit and headed our separate ways but he told me to keep my phone on so that we could hang again later.  He came to see me and we danced and then I went to see him again at his room(with my cousin) this time.  He was disappointed that I came with her and kept trying to kiss me and have his body touch mine.  We laid in bed and hung out...she left...we got back into the passion and ended up having sex.  Both nights he wanted me to spend the night with him and sleep in bed with him.  Walked me back and bent down to kiss me everytime we parted...also held my hand and walked around like we were together.  I can't get him out of my head.  He lives in LA as an LAPD officer.  I live in the Midwest.  We are both married.  Was it just VEGAS and now leave it alone?! I have a hard time letting go of all of the excitement, butterflies, and passion...can't believe I have become a somewhat serial cheater!  UGH! Maybe it's because I've been with my H since 17...maybe it's because he cheated on me...idk. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 3:26pm

Next day after our first time, my AP wanted to break things off for good because of feeling guilty. We are still working on that after five years; I think we might just get there this year :)

Even if you ask him all the "serious" questions, he may not know the answers himself. So, the more you keep asking, the more you'll get confused and frustrated.

And, if he was being nice to the chick he banged in Vegas, is that so bad? He could've just as easily played the guilty conscious card and disappaeared.

Could you see yourself as being nice to the guy you banged in Vegas? If not, why not?

Again, IMO, for you to make this work, you have to lighten up a bit. Or a lot .

If what you really want is a dedicated, emotionally invested, long term AP.. I doubt he'll fit the bill as much as you'd fantasize him to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 3:48pm

Yes...I need to lighten up a LOT!! I know...I am working on that...when I am feeling the need I text my gf that was with me in Vegas.  She does not know about he and I having sex, but she does know that we kissed and held hands and spent time alone together.  She has a different view saying that he knows it can't continue since we are both married and live so far away...I get that...but it would still be nice to continue to fiery passion that we ignited in one another...well maybe just for me..I don't know.  I tend to overanalyze things and I need to stop and just believe and act "it is what it is."  I had a dedicated AP that flipped since he was getting too deep and doesn't want to get hurt.  Says he misses me and us but is painfully aware that it can't go on... :( I think Vegas and I could have some great LD fun and no one could be the wiser...it's not like we would get caught in public anywhere with each other...the feelings are what I miss...maybe not necessarily him....I need an intervention for this addiction! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 4:52pm

If it is the feelings that you miss, that's pretty much never going to get satisfied unless you find another AP that is looking for more of an involved A.

Maybe you can increase your seach area outside your immediate community, but closer than Vegas or CA?

Either way, even with the "perfect" A, you will still be left wanting. But at least, you can be smiling more and still be wanting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 2:24pm

I am kind of keeping alive three separate-type A's right now.  One guy is from Alberta, Canada(WAY FAR) and we met him on one of our trips to Jamaica a few years back.  We like each other and do sext each other and exchange pics...we talk about daily stuff too and my free-wheeling nature...he's about 10 years older than I am.  The guy that I was in a local A with started out with 3somes and went from there...this has been ongoing on/off for a couple of years now.  Now with Vegas, who is actually Cali guy...keeping it light and at times sexy...and then theres' my H...I ignore him and don't want anything sexually to do with him but when I do..I am thinking of one of these three men.  My name is BLANK and I am addicted to having affairs....ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 11:31am

It actually sounds like you are almost keeping it all together pretty OK :)

Are/were the threesomes something you do with your H?

If you were choose, which man (or a combination thereof) would you go for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 12:58pm

I don't know how I'm keeping any of this together....it's going downhill fast with H.  He is very suspicious and thinks I'm having an affair since I pay no attention to him.  Doesn't like the fact that I go out with my friends and thinks I'm cheating...anyway...he's mad at me, so whatever.

The threesomes started with my H and his friends a long time ago...those were no feelings attached easy since we were all good friends.  When we added local AP that's when it got interesting and feelings and such...that's the hard part! ;)

 

If I had my way I should probably choose NONE of them right?  They all cheat! ;)  I think Cali would be awesome due to the fact that he's a cop and I am in the legal field as well, plus his accent is great (originally NY), Canada is a good guy but nothing will ever come of that...we haven't even kissed...local AP...he can be a jerk I'm sure and he's got an ego...and H...well he's a jerk with an ego and very mean...

I just like it to be all fun and games and nobody to get hurt! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 1:47pm

and even though you are "staying4kids", are you really?

If you were on your own tomorrow, how would your world change?

I think, so far, you haven't done anything, other than your lack of affection to H, that'd raise too big a red flag.

I think people that enjoy 3somes are more tolerant of, let's say Mr. Canada, who really isn't a threat at all.  Is local AP x-AP now or still on?

And Mr. Cali is too far away for immediate danger.

Did the 3somes stop or is that a "regular" thing?   My thinking is that as long as there is "something"  going on at home, you should be safe.

What kind of signals are you getting from your H that you sense trouble ahead?

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