A serious question...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
A serious question...?
6
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:55am
Good Morning to Everyone-

As many of you know, I had cancer surgery two weeks ago; a few weeks prior to that I told MM in an email about this and of course one thing led to another and I told him how I felt. Again, NEVER used the "L" word...

Next week we are getting together for lunch as he is fishing all this week ( but did leave me a voice mail that I " could come up there - that'd be cool." Ok- he was just talking ...never even said where he was, but he had great inflection in his voice!)

ANYHOW... (boy, am I rambling today...) my thought /question- he seems to be not "disappearing" from my life. He didn't 'run', so I will assume he's decent deep down inside. He called me on Monday afternoon after we had emailing a good part of the day and we talked for 40 ( ok, 42) minutes. What's this MM's take on me? He doesn't seem scared away or freaked out....

Anyone want to take a stab at this? I know many of you have commented before that he falls into the 'jerk' category and since I am too close to this, I can't see him this way. However, I feel there is good in him somewhere?????

I am really level headed and thinking clearly today so I am ready to hear what anyone has to say. Men especially....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:32pm
anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:45pm
I gave my opinion a while ago in reply to one of your other posts, but am more than willing to give it again. Don't know how much it helps. I think your surgery freaked him out. He cares more about you than he is willing to say/admit and his ignoring you was just his way of dealing with the fact that he might lose you. Especially since now he is "back on track", I really believe he needed to distance himself until you knew you were ok. Good luck! I think things are progressing, albeit slowly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 1:10pm


OK, I really couldn't figure out how to reply to this the other day, and I was hoping someone else would find a different way to comment. But it's still hanging out there, so I'll try to say something useful. I'll be honest, so please just take this in the helpful spirit it's intended.

Your situation is so hard to make heads or tails of for me. You seem to be an analytical personality type, and as often as you've said you overanalyze, you at minimum have that tendency. So the reason you seem to be confused and wondering is because you don't have the data from this MM with which to make a decision.

You know exactly how long you talked (42 minutes) and you mention what you've done in pretty thorough detail, so I know you're paying attention to minutia, but you still seem to be missing his information. Or overlooking it. Or trying to re-analyze your existing data from him to determine if another result is possible -- a result you would like better.

You posted that you told him how you felt, but you don't say what his reply was. He told you that you could "come up" to his fishing trip, but didn't tell you where it was. You say he had a "great inflection" but did you ask where he was? Did you pursue his casual invitation and not post the results, or did you let it lay on the table without reply, for fear that his "invitation" wasn't real, that he wouldn't tell you where he was and thereby not actionable? This morning your post said something about calling him to set up lunch but possibly waiting to see if he called you, which seems to indicate you are both still playing games with each other a little.

Vles, I read all of your posts. I worry about your health and mental state with all of this going on, and I really hope that you'll treat yourself lovingly and not place undue stress on yourself right now.

With that in mind, I propose you have a serious discussion with your MM and really, truly listen to his words. Say what you want to say, put it all out there. This idea that you shouldn't say certain things, avoid the "L" word and whatever else... well, I think it's rubbish. There's a certain pace you should initially find to be comfortable at but after a certain point, any person in any relationship has a right to ask, "What are we doing?" When you are as confused as you seem to be then I believe that point has arrived and now it's fair to ask for his honest state of mind.

If he leaves you with questions, you haven't had the discussion you need to have. Unless there is a lot of information you are leaving out, it sounds a lot like neither of you have any idea where you are or what you truly want, let alone how to get it. From many of your posts, the ends of conversations leave things unresolved and no new ground is covered. In the end, this leaves you a lot to analyze but no real answers, which ends up being a good time passing device for you but ultimately doesn't sound like it will reach any kind of understanding for either of you.

I just think you'll continue making yourself upset and confused if you don't seek out some kind of answers. He doesn't have to make a promise or something so bold, but you need to just ask him what he wants and how he wants to proceed. And then you need to listen to that, not analyze it for hidden meaning or secret messages.

Plainly said: Ask him the questions you want answers to, take the answers you are given to heart and mind, and don't spend additional time analyzing his replies to you in sentences beginning with, "I wonder if..."

Good luck.

rain



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 3:19pm
Rain-

Thanks for your input... I was hoping you'd find me along the way.

Don't you wish you were a 'shrink'? I alone would make you a rich man!

Like I said before.... you are every 'real' woman's idea of the perfect man. Don't let OW or W make you think otherwise!

We love ya!

v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 4:03pm
V-

Rain makes many good points. First and foremost you need to concentrate on your health. It will be a longer road to health with all these extra stressors in your life.

I hope that you and you OM get the chance to sit and have a "real" heart to heart conversation. You have to be able to get this relationship clear in your head as to what is and isn't happening... Sounds to me like he isn't sure what he does or doesn't want... and is afraid. He left too many open ends with the fishing trip and phone call. But we all understand the holding on until we know what is or isn't.

Take care of yourself V! Keep the faith and take it a day at a time.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:00pm
Rain- I wanted to post a second message to you... You're right- I am VERY analytical and yes, you are right that I am a nut case because I don't have the b/w answers I need to make reasonable deductions. However, I think like a woman AND an analyst so that makes for a very deranged combination of thought.

I think you are holding back on me what you really want to say. And I know what it is... my MM is, at this point, interested in me as a friend, but a physical EMA is not imminent. He sees me as a friend to get together with occasionally(secretly I may add) and I see it as "oh my gosh- he kissed and hugged me...when will we be intimate?" type of deal. THAT's what I think you want to say but tend not to want to hurt my feelings or squash my hopes. MM and I are on two different levels. I can see that, I just am too damn stubborn to REALLY AND TRULY ACCEPT IT FOR WHAT IT IS.


I would like to say to him 'hey- what the heck are we doing here?' But since we aren't doing 'anything' I feel dumb asking or bringing the subject up. Can you see how I am scared to death of the rejection? I can hardly follow through on a lunch date that I intiated and he agreed to for fear that he will find an excuse not to see me. But I don't think he would, yet I have so convinced myself that I really nothing to him that I STILL hold back. I cripple myself over stuff like this. You would be amazed Rain if you could see how I differ in my career. You would think- how can these two personas come from the same person? And folks at work would be amazed that I am fruit case with my personal life even though they know I am 'happily' married. Wish I could find a happy medium. I would rather aimlessly dream at this time.

Some days, I think MM feels 'something' for me over friendship; other days I believe not. Why? Because I want him to think like I do. "if she liked me, she'd email or call me and because she didn't today, I am nothing to her". See? That's my logic and of course it is not a man's logic. I certainly doubt he is wondering "will she email me today" , "maybe she'll call today", etc.

Send me your bill... check is in the mail!


Edited 5/24/2004 8:02 pm ET ET by vles64