Sex with H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2008
Sex with H?
14
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 6:24pm

I've been lurking on these boards for a couple of months, and even though I have not posted before, I feel like you've all been a source of support and comfort for me. Thank you for that. I don't feel so alone, because I know that there are others who are in the same situation/feel the same way I do.

My question to all of you now is whether you are still having sex with your H while in an A. I've been with my H for 12 years. He is a very good to me and is very comfortable - but I'm realizing now that we never had real passion, romance, or excitement in our relationship. I feel like he is my best friend, but I am losing my feelings of being attracted to him (through no fault of his).

I never expected to start an A - ever - but it has given me what has been missing from my marriage. The chemistry between AP (who is also M, but separated) and me is insane, and something I've never experienced before. He said that he feels the same way. The PA began almost 2 months ago, and it was definitely all about sex, even though we carried on what I would say is an EA for several months before the PA. Of course, I have developed some feelings for him, even though I swore to myself I would not. I love to talk to him and IM all day, but I have no idea how he feels. He sometimes makes comments or says things that make me think he cares about me, but he tends to pull away if I just hug him or show him non-sexual affection. I don't think he's a jerk for this - we never said that anything emotional was involved in this A, and I've made it clear that I love my H and don't want to leave him, even though I am very conflicted about my marriage.

I love to spend time with my husband, and we share similar interests - he really "gets" me in a way that AP never could. However, (and this is a big 'however') the thought of being physically intimate with him does not interest me. I love to cuddle, hug him, etc., but when he starts touching me in a sexual way, I pull away. I've told myself that I should force it... make myself be intimate with him.... but when it comes down to it, I can't. It was this way before the A, but of course it has just gotten worse, because now I know how amazing sex can really be - and it is not what I have with H.

Do any of you still have frequent sex with your H? Do you have good sex lives in your M, but there is something different you're looking for in your A?

My H said recently that he feels like he is my roommate, not my H. I don't blame him. I thought that there was a problem with my libido because I never wanted to be physically intimate with him, but I know now that it is not the case - I think about sex with AP constantly; it consumes me. I know that I am addicted, and that I should stop. He is never someone I could have a relationship with - he is fundamentally selfish and could never relate to me in the way I would need in an R. I've tried to end it more than once, but I crave the sexual attention AP gives me. He makes me feel sexy and attractive. It's purely selfish, and I feel like a terrible person. I can't believe what I've become.

I don't know if being best friends with an H is enough. I have what a lot of women probably want... why isn't that enough for me? Is it possible to make myself enjoy sex with my husband? Is sex reason enough to get out of a marriage? It seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Sorry for my rambling... I just can't believe how quickly this has snowballed and how entrenched I've become. I need to talk to people who will understand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 7:52pm

Secret,


I'm not sure i'm going to be much help other than to tell you you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 11:14pm

I love to spend time with my husband, and we share similar interests - he really "gets" me in a way that AP never could


I wish I felt that way about my H but I don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 7:40am

Sorry mrsmom, I disagree. If she were start telling her H how to dress and talk, and walk, then she would be trying to change a fundamental part of him. I believe that if sex means that much to you to leave him, then leave him, and let him get on w/ his life, and find someone that thinks he's attractive just the way he is.

The biggest lesson that I learned from my 1st Marriage was if your SO has a habit or something that you don't like you have to evaluate yourself, and ask yourself "Is this something that I can learn to live w/" If not you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. If it's something that you just can't tolerate then understand that he is who he is. Don't try to change that. If you can't except whatever behavior that he is exhibiting then it is you that has to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 8:04pm

Thanks to everyone for your advice/thoughts. I think my problem is not that my husband exhibits any particular behaviors that annoy me or turn me off, and he is a very attractive person. I know this is all my issue, my fault. I feel like he has become more of a best friend than anything else. I feel extremely close to him, but in a friendly, non-sexual way.

No, sex is not the most important thing in a marriage, and I am not willing to leave him over just sex. I think, though, that the lack of sexual "chemistry" (or whatever that intangible thing may be) is a symptom of a bigger problem. I should want my husband in that way, or what we have is a friendship, not a marriage.

That being said, I told AP today that I think we need to end things, at least until I can figure out whether H and I can make it work. I know that I've made things more difficult for my M by being with AP, and I hope I can still put the proper work into this M so that I know that I at least did my best. I hope it's not too late, and I hope I haven't ruined everything.

I was kind of taken aback by how much it upset me to tell AP it was over. I was kidding myself by saying that I had no emotional attachment. It was ridiculous to try to convince myself that I wouldn't get hurt. It was really shocking how MUCH it hurt me, though. He was good about it, he understood, he said that he wished we could continue our A but respected my wishes, and would be there if I needed to talk, since he has been through something similar.

I just couldn't stop crying. I had to go into the bathroom at work so that no one would see me. It's just not how I expected to react, and I guess I really don't know myself and my own feelings at all. Guess that's what I need to work on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
In reply to: asecretlife
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 9:28pm

Oh honey . . . I could have written both of your posts. I feel very close to my H but I no longer want him in a sexual way. I used to think that our lack of interaction in the bedroom was because of my low libido but AP has shown me that that is NOT the case! I am actually a bit of a sex kitten; and it's great. And it's not just about sex, even though that physical pleasure is fantastic. Feeling sexually desireable really makes me feel like a WOMAN, and confident, and like I am secure in other aspects of my life that have nothing to do with the bedroom. I wish I could get this from my H but I don't. Unlike you, mine doesn't "get me", and AP does. I mean, my H does love me, and he is a good father, and he is a very good provider. I often think that he must seem like exactly what mothers want for their daughters. But he isn't what I need. I often think I should just stick it out in my marriage and try as hard as I can to make it work because after all, H is not a bad guy. But then I feel like I just can't go through my whole life being a shell of the woman that I could be.


Fast forward to my A. My AP is actually AP's best friend. In some ways this makes it harder than if he was not a part of my regular life, but in many ways it makes it much easier for us. He is also M and he is firm with me that he has no desire to leave his W. I am friends with his W too, and I think she's great. Honestly, I think she's the perfect wife, but knowing that that's how I think H must seem to others too, I don't know what to think. I don't know why AP is cheating, but he is just as unable to end things as I am. Or else, he is just as unwilling to end things as I am. Our A became physical a few months ago and the he is the best lover I have ever had, hands down. It is just so passionate between us, and after our first encounter I was left with my head spinning. I never knew it could be like that. It's exactly like the sex scenes I read in romance novels; the stuff I used to think was complete fiction, and not something that happens in real life. Well it is happening now and I love every single second of it. We were friends for years before beginning an A, and we are still friends. Actually, he's one of my closest friends. That makes it even harder I think. We have not talked about having any kinds of emotional attachments to one another but just because of our pre-existing friendship, our A has never been purely physical. I do definitely feel like I am starting to have feelings for AP but I will bite my tongue until it bleeds to keep those feelings from him. He knows that I'm not happy in my M but he is happy in his (or at least he's not telling me if he's not). We both knew we were crossing a line by beginning a PA, but we both knew we wanted it and we chose to do it together. I don't feel like it's my place to cross yet another line by admitting my feelings for AP when he might still just want a sexual relationship. And I don't want to give up the sexual relationship, so I don't really want to rock the boat. I'm happy with things the way they are now. Even though AP "gets me" and would most likely be a fantastic SO to me, and even though he's the best lover I've ever had, he is M and has no desire to end his M. That's just the way it is, kwim? I'd rather take what I can get than get nothing at all.


Anyway, I feel like I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I think you are very strong for ending things with AP and I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be. If you really want to make a decision about your M though, you are right that you have to end the A. I'm less unhappy in my M, but it's only because I'm getting what I need someplace else. While I as a person might be happier, my M is most certainly less healthy. It's a sticky situation.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 12:30pm

You know the one thing no one mentioned and I think should have is sex in a marriage is something BOTH people participate in. If you are not attracted to your H then he will feel that. It usually doesn't take much attention from someone else to get HIM interested in having an A either if he gets no love at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 2:18pm

"Trust me I am not preaching, because my own life really sucks right now and I hate where I am. But I can still see clearly enough to know that it is not all about us and how we feel. The men we are with are not without feelings too and can be hurt and feel just as lost as we do."

Those are wise words and very true. Thanks for lending some perspective. I know it helps me see my situation with a different understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: asecretlife
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 3:17pm

Having been where you're at I can tell you that no, no, NO sex is NOT enough of a reason to end a marriage. Because I believe that if two people are willing to work on it, it CAN get better. Therein lies the question...is your husband willing to work on it? If so, then I would suggest finding a good sex therapist. Not just a therapist in general, but one that specializes in sex. You just may find that you CAN have a fullfilling sexual life with your husband.

That being said, please know that if you do decide to seek help, there is NO WAY IN HE!! it can work if the AP is still in the picture. Absolutely no way. Anyone who thinks they can carry on the charade of counseling while actively involved with another person is just deluding themselves. Therapy and counseling absolutely depend upon 100% honesty, and when someone is having an affair with another, their life at that time and place is rooted in anything but that. It's just the nature of it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
In reply to: asecretlife
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 7:35pm

Here is my perspective on your situation though it may not be the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 8:05am

I don't know any way to enjoy s*x with someone I don't want to have sex with. H is an every-day guy, no ifs ands or buts. I don't like it but putting up with it is better than the consequences of saying no (believe me). I guess what I try to do is keep what H does with me in its own compartment, off to the side - it's nothing like what AP and I do together. I do know that I am always extra ready for AP when we get a chance to get together, lol.

jana

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