Sex with H -- how do you do it??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sex with H -- how do you do it??
23
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:53pm
I have been trying every excuse possible NOT to have Sex with my H. In all honesty I am not at all turned on by him... we barely kiss anymore( my choice) and if we do - it is one of those antiseptic closed mouth kind of kiss. I have used every excuse in the book to avoid the sex... which is difficult since he is WAAAY over sexed IMHO.

He has been traveling out of state for business and he had one night home between trips...He was pestering me, grabbing at me, ya kow all those things that would turn a girl on.. (yeah right) and finally I gave in. Not to make it too graphic, but it was not pleasurable for me since I not aroused at all... in fact.. I started crying ( H didnt see) and just wanting to scream.

My emotions are so screwed up right now. H is a good enough person and claims to be head over heels in love with me... but...I am not with him, and so sex is really difficult right now. All I do is long for the OM.

In 2 weeks I will see the OM again.. I wish it was tomorrow. I don't know what will come of my meeting with the OM but I know I want to discuss the "future" such as it is.

I am trying to do the right things to set myself some goals... finishing school, getting out of debt etc. so I can cleanly leave my M if that is what will happen in a year or so...but I feel so awful about the sex issue... I don't know how to handle it

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 10:05am
Except for our ages (I'm mid 50s), there are so many parallels. I was 2000 miles away from my family and was looking for security. And as you wrote, I realize now, I didn't really love him. With OM, I've found out what love really is. But, even though OM is S, I doubt he'll ever marry - even if I were available. And so I stay in my M - for security. I know how selfish that sounds, but I feel I'm owed something for all those years that I had to deal with the anger. H even said one time(about a year ago) he didn't know why I stayed with him when he was treating me that way. H has changed a lot in the last couple of years, but I just don't have any feelings for him anymore.

Do you ever think about leaving your M now? Living with past decisions is really difficult sometimes, but at least we're not alone in our sadness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:00pm
Chloe, I'm in your little group as well. {{HUGS}} darlin'.

I am having problems in that department as well and it's just really bothering me. I don't feel like having sex with my H, so I do put if off as long as possible, generally we go 10-14 days between. I put it off by first of all, trying really really hard to not ever let him see me before or after the shower or as I'm dressing. I don't hold his hand, touch him, kiss him, whatever, so that it couldn't be construed as a come on. I just found out from something he said yesterday that even in my sleep I pull away from him.

My H is a good man and I do care about him and what happens to him. I just don't love him and I am not attracted to him....haven't been attracted in a very long time. I'm not a shallow person, generally speaking, but there comes a point at which it has to be acknowledged that he has really let himself go to pot and it's not appealing to me. I don't expect him to be a buff surfer dude, but I would like him to take some care with his body and appearance.

I am preparing to leave him. In my state, if he were to find out about the A *and* I were to have been refusing him, sexually, during the time of the A, he could sue both me and OM for loss of consortium. So, unless I want to deal with that, I do "have" to have sex with H. It's very difficult. I don't like doing it, because it's a sham and a lie and I already have to lie so much to keep my A going that I don't like having to do anymore of it.

Good luck; guess we all have our little parts to play.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:20pm
O.K., I definitely had to jump in on this one as well! For those of you who feel you "have" to do it, I simply don't know how you do! I also am not turned on in the least by my H, and mostly due to the lack of emotional connection between us. We have sex MAYBE twice/mo., and I feel so guilty about it. I know he loves me with all that he has, and in the best way that he can, but it's simply not enough/not right/not the same as with MM. He thinks I'm the sexiest thing that ever walked the earth, and though in a way I'm glad that he feels that way, it's the most irritating thing most of the time!! He too asked me this morning why I pull away even in my sleep. I lied and said that it's aggravating to me because it interrupts my sleep, that to some people being rubbed/caressed is relaxing, to me it's just irritating. This isn't true because with MM and I, we would be all over each other, entwined in each others' arms the entire night, our bodies needing to be wrapped up in the other one all the time. When I'm with H I feel like I'm just having "sex", when I'm with MM, I feel like we're making love, the way that making love was meant to be, and there's an emotional and spiritual connection between us that makes it all so passionate and intense...*sigh*

It's so good to have others here who are going through the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 8:42pm
Hi Lucky

Yes we are in the same situation.

Like you, I am just not attracted to my H at all anymore. The sad thing is that he *is* attractive but when he starts grabbing at me like a adolescent boy, and dry humping my leg...come on!!!! I cannot imagine any woman EMA or not would find that attactive.

In a strange way, I am comfortable with the H, though. It is like being roomates with your best friend. I generally can talk to him about MOST things ( NOT our relationship though) and I know he sees the best in me most times. But I guess I know there is MORE to having a "life partner" than just being friends and being married.

It is to the point that when we go to bed.. if he even breathes on me ... It makes me want to cringe. Sad isn't it???

I try to reduce the amount to time my H actually sees me undressed or in any stage of nudity, but because of my current employment situation, that becomes difficult. So, I try to be understanding and "give it up" once a week if I have to but I try to do it no more than once or twice a month. I just sound soooo awful..

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 8:45pm
Hi Yoga

Yes you are right I don't HAVE to have sex with him.. BUT when I do choose not to... his demeanor gets so ugly ... and right this minute I am not ready to end it - or at least leave. I am trying to finish some course work and get myself in a better position to leave..so when I do - I will not leave my H with all the trash, and that I will better be able to start a new life for myself.

Thanks for your post.. it does give me food for thought :)

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 8:46pm
Welcome to the club, hun :)

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 10:47pm
OMG!!!!!!

Sounds like me. My husband snores. Right now he's on the couch snoring!!!! I don't want to have sex with him. I want to have sex with the guy at work and tell him to forget his recent conquest. I don't want anything permanent, because I don't think he would be faithful, especially if he was with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 11:00pm
After reading all the posts, I guess I'm awfully lucky. No pressure from H to be physical, but I am very careful not to do anything that could be construed as a come on - never change clothes in front of him, etc. .
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 8:48am
Wow. I am so glad to know I am not alone here. I to cringe at just the thought of having sex with my H. I know H love me to death, but I don't have those same feelings. In bed, it seems every night he is asking for some. Most times I say I'm too tired, but like other posts I have read, H does get upset wondering why his wife doesn't want to have sex with her H. What, am I supposed to tell him that I don't find him attractive physically anymore, and MM does it so much better? I can't do that. I do love him very much, just not in love with him. During those times when I have to do the 'deed' I normally lay motionless with my eyes closed hoping that it doesn't last much longer. I wish things could be different, but 'sigh', those are the way things have to be. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 08-11-2003 - 10:04am
Ladies, Have been away for a few days and this morning found this post. This is exactly what I have been feeling/dealing with. My H is only home 2 nights during the week, so its a little easier but those 2 nights are he**. I try to make excuses like I am too tired, don't feel well, etc. but occasionally I have to give in otherwise it starts a big fight. Why don't I want to, I can't be that tired, I don't go to bed early on the nights he works (he knows that most of the time I have insomnia). H is not a bad man and I know that he loves me with everything he has but I am just not attracted to him. With OM it was totally exciting, new, always having to touch each other but when I am with H I pull away. Even just the simple hugs, kisses when I get home from work really bother me and I tell H to leave me be I don't want anyone hanging on me (also causes fights). I have been trying so that he doesn't suspect anything because even though it is only a few days a month it is something and even though H wants more he won't squak. OM and I are in NC now but that hasn't changed my feelings towards H and I am still workign on that. I am still in the decision stage of if I am going to work on my M and how.

DAF