Sex with H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2008
Sex with H?
14
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 6:24pm

I've been lurking on these boards for a couple of months, and even though I have not posted before, I feel like you've all been a source of support and comfort for me. Thank you for that. I don't feel so alone, because I know that there are others who are in the same situation/feel the same way I do.

My question to all of you now is whether you are still having sex with your H while in an A. I've been with my H for 12 years. He is a very good to me and is very comfortable - but I'm realizing now that we never had real passion, romance, or excitement in our relationship. I feel like he is my best friend, but I am losing my feelings of being attracted to him (through no fault of his).

I never expected to start an A - ever - but it has given me what has been missing from my marriage. The chemistry between AP (who is also M, but separated) and me is insane, and something I've never experienced before. He said that he feels the same way. The PA began almost 2 months ago, and it was definitely all about sex, even though we carried on what I would say is an EA for several months before the PA. Of course, I have developed some feelings for him, even though I swore to myself I would not. I love to talk to him and IM all day, but I have no idea how he feels. He sometimes makes comments or says things that make me think he cares about me, but he tends to pull away if I just hug him or show him non-sexual affection. I don't think he's a jerk for this - we never said that anything emotional was involved in this A, and I've made it clear that I love my H and don't want to leave him, even though I am very conflicted about my marriage.

I love to spend time with my husband, and we share similar interests - he really "gets" me in a way that AP never could. However, (and this is a big 'however') the thought of being physically intimate with him does not interest me. I love to cuddle, hug him, etc., but when he starts touching me in a sexual way, I pull away. I've told myself that I should force it... make myself be intimate with him.... but when it comes down to it, I can't. It was this way before the A, but of course it has just gotten worse, because now I know how amazing sex can really be - and it is not what I have with H.

Do any of you still have frequent sex with your H? Do you have good sex lives in your M, but there is something different you're looking for in your A?

My H said recently that he feels like he is my roommate, not my H. I don't blame him. I thought that there was a problem with my libido because I never wanted to be physically intimate with him, but I know now that it is not the case - I think about sex with AP constantly; it consumes me. I know that I am addicted, and that I should stop. He is never someone I could have a relationship with - he is fundamentally selfish and could never relate to me in the way I would need in an R. I've tried to end it more than once, but I crave the sexual attention AP gives me. He makes me feel sexy and attractive. It's purely selfish, and I feel like a terrible person. I can't believe what I've become.

I don't know if being best friends with an H is enough. I have what a lot of women probably want... why isn't that enough for me? Is it possible to make myself enjoy sex with my husband? Is sex reason enough to get out of a marriage? It seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Sorry for my rambling... I just can't believe how quickly this has snowballed and how entrenched I've become. I need to talk to people who will understand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 8:08pm
OMG I could have written almost everything you did verbatim. I have been married 27 years. Two years ago I had an affair and could not believe how mind blowing the sex was! I had never, ever had sex so good. Not only was the sex the best I ever had, but I opened up and became this wild woman I didn't know existed. My husband is also a wonderful husband and father but he has never been very interested in my needs. He'll say he is selfish and will work on taking care of me but he never does and now he has started to have issues as he gets older with keeping his erection (sorry if TMI). If I don't take all kinds of time to get him up, he gets upset, yet from experience, I know it wont work! It has become very frustrating. BUT I always make him feel wanted and loved and even though it kills me sometimes, I will work on him and make the best effort I can, never complaining or making him feel inadequate. I tell him it is ok and we'll try again. I tell him how beautiful he is and how much I love him. I know it hurts his libido enough as it is but I find myself wanting to be taken and ravaged and cared about IN BED.
No, sex is not everything and I will never, ever leave my husband as I love him very much but I admit when it comes to the bedroom he has always been very selfish. I find myself dying a little inside not having any of my needs met sexually after long, long periods of time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
In reply to: asecretlife
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 1:29pm

hi girls!


i could so easily write many of your posts also....

~k
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
In reply to: asecretlife
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 9:37pm

Unfortunately I have to keep having sex with H or all kinds of alarms would go off in his head! Usually have to pretend I am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
In reply to: asecretlife
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 10:11pm

Hello everyone.

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