Sex With Hubby? Guilt/No Guilt?
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Sex With Hubby? Guilt/No Guilt?
| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:25pm |
I'm brand new at this website but 13 months into a wonderful A with a MM. He's been married almost 25 years with 2 older daughters. I've been married almost 10 years (been together 16), with no children. My husband's and my sex life is pretty much non-existent and I'm really not sure why. I originally thought I was too old (45) and that my libido had run out. But with the new man....I LOVE IT! I finally had sex with my husband over the weekend (it usually happens about once every six months) and it was nice and he was a LOT happier and congenial the whole weekend.:)
My MM is very sexual and probably would enjoy getting together everyday but that's just not possible. So we meet usually for lunch one day a week and then sometimes, if we're lucky, get to meet for more intimate times another day of the week. I know he still has sex with his wife (from time to time but I don't know the details and I certainly don't WANT to know!) However, I can just tell from different conversations that MM doesn't go for as long a periods of time without sex from his W, as I. Plus, he initimates that if he stopped completely (which BTW I have not asked him to do...) the W would know something is definitely up and that he was having an affair.
My MM is very sexual and probably would enjoy getting together everyday but that's just not possible. So we meet usually for lunch one day a week and then sometimes, if we're lucky, get to meet for more intimate times another day of the week. I know he still has sex with his wife (from time to time but I don't know the details and I certainly don't WANT to know!) However, I can just tell from different conversations that MM doesn't go for as long a periods of time without sex from his W, as I. Plus, he initimates that if he stopped completely (which BTW I have not asked him to do...) the W would know something is definitely up and that he was having an affair.
So.....my question is........should I tell my MM about sex with my husband? I'm guilty on one hand, and on the other hand...it's something MM does. MM says he loves me self-sacrificially and would hate to give me up but on the other hand it would make him happy if I could get my marriage happy. Does anyone else ever talk to their MM about sex lives? Thanks!

Welcome to the board!
I too, would like the answers to those questions. I have been in my A for 4 years, and have a wonderfully passionate relationship with MM. He is married with a small child, I have been married for 14 years with a preteen. When I met MM, my sexlife with H was almost nonexistant due to his meds he was taking (before that we had an awesome sex life), probably the reason I found MM, not that I was looking. Anyway, it never was a problem, because H never wanted to. If we had, it was because I initiated it. Once MM and I became intimate, I lost any interest I had left in H and quit trying. Well, then H goes and quits his meds because of the low libido. I do think that in the last 4 years H and I have had sex about 3 times, 4 times MAX. And on those occassions I have had to be completely drunk, and then I have no interest and cry afterwards. I feel like I am cheating on MM.....I know call me crazy! H & I now fight about this constantly, he accuses me of an A, etc. Luckily about the time he came off his meds, I went on meds for 'female problems' which I blame that for my lack in my libido, etc. However, lately he has been pushing very hard for me to talk with my Dr., In fact, we have HUGE fights over this. I know, if I dont try or develop an interest in H he is going to figure something out....but I cant stand the thoughts of him touching me. But, I know if I could just manage to on occassion, he would be much more easy to deal with...
As for MM, he did tell me that he and his W do, on occassion, have sex. He says about once every 6 months, if that much. He says he does not initiate it, but gives in when she starts the talk about him having an affair, etc and she wants him too....to keep the peace and keep her from getting suspicious, so he says. But, I do believe that it is almost non existant. Yes, it makes me sick at my stomach to think about it. And, yes, I have asked way too many questions...very graphic questions. I even asked, that how could he, when he says he does not find her attractive, sexual, has never enjoyed sex with her, and says he loves me, manage to 'be' with her (men, you can answer this if you would like...is it a going through the motions, or does he really get turned on by her?) Anyway, listen to the advice of not asking questions you dont want the answers to. At times, I found out more than I wanted to know. and deep down, I guess I am wanting to hear MM say that he cant be with her anymore, that he loves me too much, that touching her makes him sick, he cant stand the thoughts of her,etc. Anyway....I doubt that will ever happen....I guess, I know that I can't share my sex life with 2 different people...I just don't know how MM or others can...
I am anxious to hear others responses.....
Again welcome to the board!
gc :)
Some people do talk about there sex life with the spouse, but in IMO in most cases the EMA and the primary relationship and the nature of the R and spouses should kept seperate
I am sure you will here different views on this as it is mostly a matter of opinion.
Free
Hi crazy and welcome aboard,
I have been in my EMA with MM for going on 4 years now... we started out with a good friendship and similarities with the problems within our marriages... and have been pretty much honest and up front with each other about every aspect of our lives... and that includes our sex lives with our partners.
It's not like we have a full on discussion over it... but we don't have a problem with discussing it with each other when it comes up.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
hey crazychiclet -- love the name and welcome to the board!!
lilah -- good for you having such a rich, fantasy life!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
My H and I have sex every day. My OMM and his W have sex a few times a week. My OMM and I have sex once a week or so. We've always known this information about each other...it was an open topic from the start. I enjoy sex with H and OMM, I never pretend one is the other...I love them for different reasons. OMM feels the same way, I think. I am not jealous of his W at all. He will even say to me things like, "W and I had such a good time this weekend, we stayed in and made love for three hours..." he knows it's okay with me to be honest. Different strokes for different folks, right?
I would recommend that each person do what he/she is comfortable with. All R's are not the same and what works for some doesnt work for others. Just be up front on what you want and don't want... no sense putting yourself through pain if it is not necessary. The whole R itself has enough pain.
Starz