Sex With Hubby? Guilt/No Guilt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sex With Hubby? Guilt/No Guilt?
10
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:25pm
I'm brand new at this website but 13 months into a wonderful A with a MM. He's been married almost 25 years with 2 older daughters. I've been married almost 10 years (been together 16), with no children. My husband's and my sex life is pretty much non-existent and I'm really not sure why. I originally thought I was too old (45) and that my libido had run out. But with the new man....I LOVE IT! I finally had sex with my husband over the weekend (it usually happens about once every six months) and it was nice and he was a LOT happier and congenial the whole weekend.:)

My MM is very sexual and probably would enjoy getting together everyday but that's just not possible. So we meet usually for lunch one day a week and then sometimes, if we're lucky, get to meet for more intimate times another day of the week. I know he still has sex with his wife (from time to time but I don't know the details and I certainly don't WANT to know!) However, I can just tell from different conversations that MM doesn't go for as long a periods of time without sex from his W, as I. Plus, he initimates that if he stopped completely (which BTW I have not asked him to do...) the W would know something is definitely up and that he was having an affair.

So.....my question is........should I tell my MM about sex with my husband? I'm guilty on one hand, and on the other hand...it's something MM does. MM says he loves me self-sacrificially and would hate to give me up but on the other hand it would make him happy if I could get my marriage happy. Does anyone else ever talk to their MM about sex lives? Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:12pm
Hey Chic!

Welcome to the board!

I too, would like the answers to those questions. I have been in my A for 4 years, and have a wonderfully passionate relationship with MM. He is married with a small child, I have been married for 14 years with a preteen. When I met MM, my sexlife with H was almost nonexistant due to his meds he was taking (before that we had an awesome sex life), probably the reason I found MM, not that I was looking. Anyway, it never was a problem, because H never wanted to. If we had, it was because I initiated it. Once MM and I became intimate, I lost any interest I had left in H and quit trying. Well, then H goes and quits his meds because of the low libido. I do think that in the last 4 years H and I have had sex about 3 times, 4 times MAX. And on those occassions I have had to be completely drunk, and then I have no interest and cry afterwards. I feel like I am cheating on MM.....I know call me crazy! H & I now fight about this constantly, he accuses me of an A, etc. Luckily about the time he came off his meds, I went on meds for 'female problems' which I blame that for my lack in my libido, etc. However, lately he has been pushing very hard for me to talk with my Dr., In fact, we have HUGE fights over this. I know, if I dont try or develop an interest in H he is going to figure something out....but I cant stand the thoughts of him touching me. But, I know if I could just manage to on occassion, he would be much more easy to deal with...

As for MM, he did tell me that he and his W do, on occassion, have sex. He says about once every 6 months, if that much. He says he does not initiate it, but gives in when she starts the talk about him having an affair, etc and she wants him too....to keep the peace and keep her from getting suspicious, so he says. But, I do believe that it is almost non existant. Yes, it makes me sick at my stomach to think about it. And, yes, I have asked way too many questions...very graphic questions. I even asked, that how could he, when he says he does not find her attractive, sexual, has never enjoyed sex with her, and says he loves me, manage to 'be' with her (men, you can answer this if you would like...is it a going through the motions, or does he really get turned on by her?) Anyway, listen to the advice of not asking questions you dont want the answers to. At times, I found out more than I wanted to know. and deep down, I guess I am wanting to hear MM say that he cant be with her anymore, that he loves me too much, that touching her makes him sick, he cant stand the thoughts of her,etc. Anyway....I doubt that will ever happen....I guess, I know that I can't share my sex life with 2 different people...I just don't know how MM or others can...

I am anxious to hear others responses.....

Again welcome to the board!

gc :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:22pm
HI Crazy

Some people do talk about there sex life with the spouse, but in IMO in most cases the EMA and the primary relationship and the nature of the R and spouses should kept seperate

I am sure you will here different views on this as it is mostly a matter of opinion.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:13pm

Hi crazy and welcome aboard,


I have been in my EMA with MM for going on 4 years now... we started out with a good friendship and similarities with the problems within our marriages... and have been pretty much honest and up front with each other about every aspect of our lives... and that includes our sex lives with our partners.


It's not like we have a full on discussion over it... but we don't have a problem with discussing it with each other when it comes up.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:36pm
It truly is one of the toughest things to deal with, at least for me. I've been involved with my MM for 5 years now, and it still kills me when I know he's been intimate with his W. I generally don't tell my MM when H and I have sex, as I know that it bothers him. On the other hand, I still can't bear to know the 'intimate details' of his sex life with the wife. I'm not even sure how often they do it, although I get the impression it's isn't as much as my H and I. And as far as having sex with my H, it's strictly for his pleasure (as far as I'm concerned) and I do it to keep him chilled out. Otherwise, he's dreadful to live with. My H suspects also that there is someone else, as I do not respond to him at all like I used to. I just can't stand him touching me anymore. I also feel guilty to my MM, and feel like I've cheated on him when I've had sex with my H. It's funny, as just today I was thinking long and hard (again) about where all of this is going. I am madly in love with my MM. My marriage brings me nothing but emotional pain, but my current home situation prevents me from leaving right now (the same with his situation). I care about my H and worry about his welfare if I left him...more guilt, I know. I have plenty to go around I guess, and for my kids too. Anyway Crazy, hang in there as you are not alone in your feelings. If it bothers you to know about his sex life with his W, I would tell him that you really don't want to hear the details. And I wouldn't necessarily tell him when you have had sex with your H, either. Take care, Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:20am
I guess I'm alone in this, but my sex life with H has actually gotten better since my emotional A began. That's one of the many reasons I'm afraid to take it to the next level with MM. But I've always had a very active fantasy life...even when I was a teen. I loved to pick a guy out and develop a crush on him and imagine all the scenarios in which we'd get together. During my first long-term relationship, I was fine for the first year or so but then I ran into a guy I used to work with and I started concocting all these fantasies about him. I've gotten very good about being with one guy while imagining he's another. Every time I'm with H now, I close my eyes and imagine it's MM's hands on my body, MM I'm making love to. As a result, sex with H has gone from routine and mundane (me barely participating) to hot and wild and even better than it was when we first started dating. If MM and I were to consummate our emotional A, I guess that is where the fun would end. That's where H would start to disgust me. So I CAN'T go to that next level, can I? MM once admitted that he imagines his W is me when they make love but he feels incredibly guilty about it. My point is that men do have the power to imagine they are with someone else when they're with their wives -- in fact, I think a lot of them do. The mind is a powerful thing and it's amazing how much you can convince yourself of. So just because your MM/OM is with his wife doesn't mean she's necessarily the one arousing him. It's possible he has to think about you even to be with her in the first place...and that's something he probably wouldn't admit to you because it doesn't really seem very honorable, I guess... Just remember it works both ways. Your H may not be thinking about you when he's making love to you, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:43pm

hey crazychiclet -- love the name and welcome to the board!!


lilah -- good for you having such a rich, fantasy life!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:59pm
Thanks everybody for your suggestions. I think I'll do just that....don't ask, and don't tell. Somethings are just too hurtful to know. I know lots of men feel sex is just physical but I think with women, it's much more an emotional thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 2:35am
I and MM (we are having an on and off emotional affair) have both admitted to each other that we imagine each other when making love to our spouses. I do admit though that recently I am trying to get out of the habit cuz my new year resolution is to get back in love with hubby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:56pm
Hi guys:

My H and I have sex every day. My OMM and his W have sex a few times a week. My OMM and I have sex once a week or so. We've always known this information about each other...it was an open topic from the start. I enjoy sex with H and OMM, I never pretend one is the other...I love them for different reasons. OMM feels the same way, I think. I am not jealous of his W at all. He will even say to me things like, "W and I had such a good time this weekend, we stayed in and made love for three hours..." he knows it's okay with me to be honest. Different strokes for different folks, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:15pm
Wow awwww.. I am jealous! Sex everyday with anyone would be great as far as I am concerned. I am more like the others who do not have an active sex life with H. I do not want to know about MM's sex life with W either! We don't go there... there is not much to tell him on my end.. although I should, cause he probably thinks there is more than there is! Besides not wanting to hear about their sex life, I really don't want to know anything they do together! Sometimes it comes out in conversation, but I don't solicit it. He knows it bothers me and limits it if possible.


I would recommend that each person do what he/she is comfortable with. All R's are not the same and what works for some doesnt work for others. Just be up front on what you want and don't want... no sense putting yourself through pain if it is not necessary. The whole R itself has enough pain.

Starz